† RIP Renfield #761 – † Post-Halloween-Bloat † November 01, 2015 †

AUTUMN FALL B - SCARECROW REAPER dual

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***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY, AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS IN RIP***
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(except for the stuff I make up, lie about, or receive mis-information about)

 

 

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ISSUE # 761

little renfield flag

Nov.-01-2015

† RIP Renfield †
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† Post-Halloween-Bloat †
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NEW  ISSUE  EACH  WEEK !!!

PAST ISSUES ARCHIVED at…
www.RipRenfield.com
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Don’t be a stranger…

I can be contacted at
RIPRenfield@aol.com
or better yet
gary.renfield@gmail.com

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BLOAT IS SELF-EXPLANATORY

I had no problem resisting temptation

all week with a house-full of Halloween candy…

but once bags were opened,
and bowls were filled…
UH-BOY !!!

Someone sent a tweet on Halloween,
asking people to confess to how many candies
they ate Halloween morning…

I was ashamed to admit that
I had 2 snickers, a mounds, & some M&M’s
all before breakfast !

I thought I over-bought, but it worked out…
no kids early, but I still ended up with a decent showing…
(and some kids did really well by me)

It was a nice-enough afternoon
that I sat on my front steps with the candy,
as did a bunch of my neighbors…
we all had a good ‘visit’.

(I still have enough left-over to pig-out,
and, of course, I only bought what I like)
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Excuse me for a moment…
I’m inserting a little ‘vanity moment’ for myself…

As the Ponytails sang…
BORN TOO LATE

but, luckily, I got to correspond for a few years,
with whom I lovingly refer to as

MY HOLLYWOOD GIRLFRIEND

SUSAN LUCKEY (DOUGLAS)

(died in 2012…RIP)

so for my ‘vanity moment’…

I took the 1981 me and the 1958 her,
roughed up the image to age it…
and put us together

(I was trying to arrange a face-to-face when she passed away)

HERE WE ARE…

CUTE COUPLE, NO?

susan luckey w friend 1958--

I’m pretty sure I never got to time travel,
she never mentioned our previous meeting,
unless, I instructed her ‘not to’  so as not to
upset the ‘time line’…  (makes sense)
(in a nutty kind of way)

((for the record, I never claimed to be sane))

ADDENDUM…
also for the record, I am totally un-recognize-able today
from the 1981 image of myself.
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.susan Luckey w-friend-1958-
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I SIGNED UP FOR TWITTER…

Already have half-a-dozen followers…

 

 

2 police departments,
the FBI,
and 3 psychiatrists !
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speaking of TWITTER

Someone suggested that the first people
to investigate for weapons and sanity
should be the people that pose
on social media with their guns.

 

 

(not a bad idea)

 

 

WANT TO CUT GUN-RELATED SHOOTINGS IN HALF ?

CLEAN-UP CHICAGO

(where the gun laws are very strict… and not enforced)

addendum…

My daughter got-off a ‘good one’ the other nite
(I don’t know where she gets it)…

 

 

After the LATEST  Colorado shooting
(they have plenty high-profile ones),
this one the Colorado Springs mass shooting…
(previously voted best-place-to-live)

 

 

The kid remarked how
Colorado was becoming the ‘new’ Florida !
(more for wacko’s than shooting, I suppose)
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jenner-crawford

OKAY, HOW MANY OF YOU

THOUGHT THE ‘WOMAN’ ON THE RIGHT IS

CAITLYN JENNER ?

WRONG…

It’s (gasp) CINDY CRAWFORD & daughter.

I never noticed the resemblance before !

ADDENDUM…

I’m not one of those that find/found Crawford particularly gorgeous…
she’s pretty enough, but wouldn’t turn my head.
I think her ‘praise’ comes more from a woman’s idea
of what is beautiful… kinda like Julia Roberts.
The kind of ‘pretty’ woman they’re not threatened by.
The kind they imagine could be a BFF.

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Rage is the only quality which has kept me,

or anybody I have ever studied,

writing columns for newspapers.

Jimmy Breslin

WHICH IS THE REASON…
I have been ‘lax’ in continue-ing my weekly installments of
RIP RENFIELD

You may think its the stroke I suffered 2, or so, years ago
(from which I’ve nicely (nearly) recovered,
or the ‘nice’ pills I take along with other Rx’s…

 

 

BUT…
It’s actually me not being able to ‘rage’,
or build-up-a-head-of-steam…
since the stroke (which retired me from a stressful job),
and a long-time coming divorce from a marriage
that was ‘destroying’ me…

I’M MUCH TOO HAPPY AND STRESS-FREE
to ‘rage-against-the-injustices-and-the-world’…

 

 

I’M SITTIN’ PRETTY !!!
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AMERICAN EXPRESS CASH CARD

A regular, no fee, credit card,
my daughter and I both got  ‘mailers’…
Hers was spend $1000 in 3 months
for a statement credit of $250 as a bonus.
Miine was $150 for spending $500.

Even though I don’t need the card,
it would be foolish not to
take advantage of their generosity.

 

 

Christmas is coming up, so are utility bills,
so the ‘5 bills’ are not a problem.
Oh, and they approved me online in under a minute.

 

 

Never had a use for AMEX…
but I like their offer, and their stock symbol is my fraternity.
AXP =  Alpha Chi Rho.
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I bought a small fern a month ago.
It’s growing like a weed.
I had to re-pot it into a larger container
before it choked on its roots.

I have a history though…
Anything I’ve ever re-potted has died !
And not a quick death, the linger & look horrible.

 

 

I’M HOPING FOR BETTER LUCK THIS TIME

addendum…

 

 

the fern is taking over the house !!!
I’ll have to beat-it-back soon.
I think my ‘misting’ it daily is making the difference…

 

 

I like flowers in the house,
so I’ve been buying ‘cut-flowers’ for a long time now.
The inexpensive ones I get a Wegmans
were lasting up to 2 weeks.
Since I started ‘misting’ them daily,
the current ones are almost passing 3 weeks
and still look terrific !
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I went to the bathroom in the middle of the nite,
and looking down, I saw bloody footprints.
I cleaned it up and examined my feet for the cut.
NOTHING.
Checked again in the morning and still nothing.
My daughter hadn’t used my bathroom.
The cat didn’t seem any worse for wear.
IT WAS A MYSTERY

A month later,
we saw blood trails in the house !
We followed them to my bathroom
where the cat was bleeding from the mouth
and trying to clean up in the toilet water.
(sound familiar, bathroom blood?)

 

 

She really made a mess this time,
I was finding drops of blood in trails,
all over the place, days later.
I didn’t know there was that much blood in a cat !

Turns out, you should never let your cat eat
from a metal can you pulled the lid off.
We’ve done it forever, but no more…
She had a bloody upper lip that looked painful.

After a few days of soft food in a bowl,
(okay to let out your breath),
SHE WAS O-KAY !!!

 

 

SO USE A CAT DISH,
or your cat may be needing a tetanus shot.
(yeah, right)
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I was driving my 1992 Dodge Caravan thru town…
took a sharp corner,
and some young punk stopped at the red light,
called out just loud enough for me to hear…
“NICE CAR”

A**HOLE…
I actually had a good laugh
realizing the car was older than he was,
and running like a new car still.

 

 

I’d like to see how fast ‘the kid’ goes thru cars.
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(from the mind of Jackie ‘the jokeman’ Martling)
jokeland.com or jokeland@aol.com



Female Siamese twins are walking along in Augusta, Georgia,
when they see a sign, “Tonight! Guitar legend Chet Atkins.”
They’re both musicians and decide to go. At the end of the show
they find their way to Chet’s dressing room, they all hit it off,
and they go back to the girls’ apartment. They start drinking wine
and after a while Chet starts getting it on with one of them.
While they’re going to it, the other one plays her trombone.
When he’s done with the first one,
Chet starts in with the second one, and while they’re getting it on,
the first one plays her clarinet. This goes on all night,
they keep switching back and forth and back and forth.
In the morning, Chet thanks them and leaves.
Five years later the girls are walking along and they see a sign,
“Tonight! Guitar legend Chet Atkins.”
The first one says, “We should go see Chet again.”
The second one says, “Yeah. D-do you think he’ll remember us?”
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WOMEN !!!

They make me nuts.
I’m fed up with the excuses they come up with
for not having sex with me, like,
‘I’m tired,’ ‘I’ve got a headache,’ ‘I’m your sister-in-law …’
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I read an un-believe-able story about

HILLARY CLINTON !

She’s claiming that her political detractors
over her ‘criminal’ email scandal as
‘another conspiracy theory’.

Theory?

I believe its been proved,
even with her ‘spin’.

She goes on to say…

“…just another assault from the right-wing,
like she and her husband endured through the ’90s.”

Using that for comparison?
Those ‘assaults’ were based on truth,
whether Bill was convicted, or not,
there was plenty of evidence and testimony.

 

 

And Hillary’s not-so-clean from those days either.
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WOMEN ARE BEING ENCOURAGED TO

‘EMBRACE’ THEIR CURVES ?

I don’t believe in ‘shaming’ individuals for anything,
but shame on anyone encouraging
a statement like that…

Curves, or a full-figure, is one thing…
but giving people reason to be
proud of being obese ?

 

 

I CAN’T GET ON BOARD WITH THE DIVA MOVEMENT…

(I’M A BEAUTIFUL 400 POUND WOMAN !)

I’ve been fat, I’ve been thin,
and believe me, thin is better !
I applaud anyone who NEVER encouraged
me to stay EXTRA large,
because I should ’embrace’ a larger (nee obese) size !

 

 

I wouldn’t be an a-hole to someone’s face…
but my hope for them is to find a way that works for them.

Complaints about companies promoting bikini bodies
because they make non-bikini-ers sad ?
You might as well call Jenny Craig
and Weight Watchers out for ‘fat shaming’ !

 

 

COME BACK TO REALITY

You want a big, fat, disgusting Kardashian ass ?

IT’S ALOT EASIER THAN HAVING A NORMAL-SIZED ONE
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I just received a mailing from my hospital
announcing a ‘proud welcome’
for a new surgeon…

the practice?

DEDICATED BREAST SURGERY

HUH?
Is there something the hospital didn’t tell me ?
It was addressed to ME !
(Maybe I better hit the gym more)

It’s nice to know I have somewhere to go for…
BREAST CONSERVATIOIN
SKIN & NIPPLE SPARING MASTECTOMY
and high-risk screening for breast cancer.

 

 

NICE TO KNOW THEY’RE THINKING OF ME
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as former, dead, nyc mayor Ed Koch would say…

HOW AM I DOIN’ ?

No dead tribute
(although Al Molinaro just died),
mostly black-and-white,
only 2 pics…

 

 

BUT I THINK I STILL GOT IT…

This’ll have to hold you
till I’m bored out of my skull again…
and riding a Halloween-sugar-high..

 

 

RENFIELD – OUT !!!
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rip end -fall color trees

COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

opposing opinions are welcome, but since I’m the only employee of RIP,
you might be wasting your time…

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OCCASION RIP BANNERS & ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist

 

 

TISH  (PILLBUG)
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other renfield links…
Northern Exposure: “The Eagle Has Landed” (an alternate ending)
over 100.000 combined NX hits…
RetroWeb Classic Television: Northern Exposure
read both NX stories…the alternate final episode and a christmas episode.

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