† RIP Renfield #759 – † RIP also BLAMES CANADA †

BLAME CANADA BLOG

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***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY, AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS IN RIP***
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(except for the stuff I make up, lie about, or receive mis-information about)

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RIP - japanese character

ISSUE # 759 ——– May-24-2015

† RIP Renfield †
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† RIP also BLAMES CANADA †
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NEW  ISSUE  EACH  WEEK !!!

PAST ISSUES ARCHIVED at…
www.RipRenfield.com
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Don’t be a stranger…

I can be contacted at
RIPRenfield@aol.com
or better yet
gary.renfield@gmail.com

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YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

I KNOW ITS MEMORIAL DAY

and I salute our heroes.

But, that’s not what this publication is all about,
so I’ll get on with the nonsense now.
The nonsense that has been far and few between
since I managed an issue a week for 15 years.
(I think I finally ‘broke’… or else I’m happy now)
((happiness DOES get in the way of ‘funny’ & dedication))

I’m changing the format a bit
(podcasts & video options make me a dinosaur)

From now on,
I’ll only publish when I have something to say..
like original stuff that ignores the state of the world.
(there’s no hope anyway)
(AND I’M SKIPPING THE ‘DEAD’ TRIBUTE)

Like SOUTH PARK, I’m putting the blame
where it belongs…


CANADA !!!

Dis-satisfied with your life?
your city? your country? your planet?

BLAME CANADA !
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I sent this joke (a non-twitter longer version)
to
JACKIE ‘the jokeman’ MARTLING
www.Jokeland.com
a few months ago.  He and I have emailed,
more than a few times, before.
I sent him a joke that, as far as I know, I wrote.
And, with him, a master-joke-machine,
asking me where I heard it, or did I write it,
I’m comfortable thinking its an original.
(he requested use of it)

I’m thinking he could have been using it
in his act, since it took a few months
to make it to TWITTER…

 

 

FOR YOUR ‘APPROVAL'(?)  — (do I really care?)

jokeman-my joke

(my version had an angry, ex-wife in it)

((but 140 characters is the TWITTER limit, so he condensed))
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“Next time the bully asks for your lunch money,

tell him you left it on his mother’s dresser.”
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the gov’t NEVER keeps secrets, so…


The PATRIOT ACT is, supposedly, expiring

as far as spying on private citizen’s phone activity.

Hmmm… I’m not to bright,
but since the entire world knows we do it,
perhaps they might be dis-inclined to
incrminate themselves on the phone.
(more coded messages?)

If I were a ‘spymaster’,
I might want to ‘officially’ and publicly ‘end’ the policy
to put the ‘bad’ people, and all of us, off-guard
and more inclined to speak openly.

AND IF I CAN THINK OF THAT,

IT AIN’T FOOLIN’ NOBODY !
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“It’s very thoughtful of David Letterman to retire

now that none of his fans

can manage to stay up to 11:30pm.”
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BRAIN DEAD PEOPLE MAN-ING

CUSTOMER SERVICE PHONES ?


Phone rings…

This is CHASE FRAUD ALERT,
can I speak to (ex) Mrs. Renfield ?
Being the first ‘erroneous’ call in over a year,
I became playful…

SAID I…

After I had a stroke 2 years ago
that nasty women emptied the bank accounts,
deserted me, and moved to Colorado !


HER REPLY…

DO YOU HAVE A NUMBER
WHERE I CAN REACH HER ?


MY REPLY…

YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ?!
(and hung up)

(absolutely true phone call)

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MORE CUSTOMER ‘SERVICE’…

COMCAST was offering a weekend or so
of
STARZ CHANNEL for free… a sampler.

I went to check it out and found myself
immediately signed up for a paid subscription !

I got on the phone fast to explain what happened
and that I didn’t want the channel at all.
The customer service rep took a long time
to take care of my ‘problem’
and then happily told me that
I’d ONLY be charged for 1 month !



I don’t know if it took her a long time

to grasp what I was saying,

or its just mucked-up over there.

BUT I’D ONLY HAD THE CHANNEL

FOR 15 MINUTES AND A MISTAKE

FROM THEM HAD SIGNED ME UP.

An entire hour of my life that I wasted
and will never get back !

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OLDIE, BUT STILL MAKES ME LAUGH…

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born
without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him
and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on
curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief,
the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

 

 

 

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent;
then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant “Take another drink!”

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay.
Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, “Take another drink! Take another drink!!”
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses,
shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left
then staggers to the right, through the front door, into the street,
where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

 

 

 

 

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
“He should’ve quit while he was a head.”

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FASTER WAY TO TIE-YOUR-SHOES

?

http://features.aol.com/video/theres-even-faster-way-tie-your-shoes?icid=maing-grid7%7Chtmlws-main-bb%7Cdaily-buzz9%7Csec10_lnk1%7C655795

thanks, but I’ll stick to the way I learned...
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BEST PART OF MY DAY…


DREAMING

In this one, I was back at work,
with some of the ‘regular’ people known to me.
After doing some paperwork,
there was talk of some get-together where
having a date (spouse, escort) was mandatory.
This one girl (woman) who is a little ‘off’,
she and I had no real problems,
but we ‘operated’ at different wavelengths
(if you get what I mean).

She wasn’t going to be able to attend
because her husband would be unavailable
and everyone felt bad for her.
(they wanted her badly, me? not so much)
So I, very gallantly, offered to escort her.
She, clumsily, said…
“no no no… that’s okay”
and I answered…
“c’mon, it’s okay, I don’t like you either”

So the office went about their business.
Just before I left, I offered once more…

 

 

 

“THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE,
I’LL EVEN KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR,
INSTEAD OF BEEPING FROM THE CURB”

 

 

 

 

At which point I woke up, very amused.
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HONEY BOO BOO’S MOTHER

MAMA JUNE DISGUSTING

(mama june)

IS A DISGRACE…

(and not just for obvious reasons)

She’s threating to sue TLC
if they don’t cancel ’19 kids and counting’
(must be a money maker, so far,
it seems it’ll go on without the ‘kid-toucher’)

 

 

 

That piece-of-shit claims the channel
knew about the ‘child molesting scandal’
since 2006 and chose to cover it up !

 

 

 

 

Sounds like she knew about it for quite a while !
Why so brave and out-raged now ?
Was silence ‘BOUGHT’
because it would affect her show and profits ?
(didn’t she get back with husband also with accusations?)

WHAT ‘GARBAGE’ TO ADMIT TO THE

KNOWLEDGE NOW, NOT THEN !
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I’m all done…
not my best work,
but let’s hope it gets better
as I put more effort into RIP.

SO LONG TILL WHENEVER…
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flag day bottom or top -NARROW

COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

opposing opinions are welcome, but since I’m the only employee of RIP,
you might be wasting your time…

TO SUBSCRIBE OR TO BE REMOVED FROM THE MAILING LIST
AOL–CLICK HERE OR MAIL REQUEST TO RipRENFIELD@AOL.COM

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OCCASION RIP BANNERS & ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist

 

 

TISH  (PILLBUG)
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other renfield links…
Northern Exposure: “The Eagle Has Landed” (an alternate ending)
over 100.000 combined NX hits…
RetroWeb Classic Television: Northern Exposure
read both NX stories…the alternate final episode and a christmas episode.

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