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â RIP RenfieldÂ # 652 â TAX TIME â
April 14, 2012
ISN’T LIFE GENERALLY TAXING ANYWAY ?
Well it’s time again for the gov’t
to ‘request’ THEIR pound-and-a-half-of-flesh too !
(a pound doesn’t go as far as it used to)
ON TOP OF THAT…
FRIDAY the 13th starts the weekend,
and you “don’t like mondays” already ?
THIS ONE’S A DOUBLE WHAMMY !
TAXES & FRIDAY the 13th GO TOGETHER LIKE…
” a horse and carriage “
” soup and sandwich “
(the old campbell’s soup song commercial)
(close as I could get)
I’ve gotten my (nice) return already,
amazing how many people will be crowding
the post offices, last minute, to get theirs done !
Even knowing the deadline is Tuesday…
MANY PEOPLE WILL BE LOOKING
FOR FORMS THEY COULD HAVE GOTTEN
MONTHS AGE or PRINTED OFF-LINE,
and banging on Post Office doors after closing !
as the BEATLES (Sgt.Pepper) sang…
IT WAS 20 YEAR AGO TODAY…
er, 20 years ago last week ?
HARD TO BELIEVE 20 YEARS HAVE PASSED…
HE’S BEEN DEAD 20 YEARS THIS WEEK !
More than funny, a scream, an original
that came out of the earliest days
of the stand-up comic explosion of the 80’s !
One of the top comics of his class…
I’d easily place him in the upper-upper echelon !
AÂ LEGEND !Â ONE OF THE KINGS !!!
When the greats are discussed.. he’s there !
Those days are long gone, it’s a different world…
but hearing some ‘ancient’ clips,
you can’t deny…
THEY STILL STAND UP !
GREAT ONE WITH RODNEY in BACK TO SCHOOL
A real mess when he was killed,
a ‘bulb’ burns brightest before it burns out,
and he WAS ‘burning’
from a ‘fast’, out-of-control life-style !
Who knows if he would have
‘found his way back’ ?
BUT, IN DEATH, YOU DON’T FADE AWAY
(hey, hey… my, my…)
HE’S WASN’T THERE TO DISAPPOINT US EITHER…
(where is Dice Clay these days?)
(a Kinison song tribute – the sounds of Kinison)
((a real heart-breaker))
Some of those ‘themed’ postage stamps
can have too much a message sometimes.
Like when you need a greeting card and
have to go thru 100 to get an ‘accept-able’ comment !
One that’s legitimate and won’t cause a fight
for being a ‘wise-guy’, or perceived as sarcastic !
I recalled a time a few years ago,
when I had to mail something to the IRS…
I’m thinking it was an adjustment to my taxes.
(in THEIR favor)
I ‘blindly grabbed for a stamp,
but before mailing it, noted the pic on the stamp…
WORRIED THAT I MIGHT BE PERCEIVED
AS A ‘WISE-GUY’ TAKING A SHOT AT THEM
(calling them a mickey mouse organization?)
I peeled the stamp off and used another…
(bambi I think)
BE JUST MY LUCK THE STAMP
GETS THEIR ATTENTION
of some low-level flunkie,
AND THEY DECIDE TO AUDIT ME
FOR THE LAST 30 or 40 YEARS !!!
REMEMBERING THE KIDS…
(back when they were little)
Ahhh… my favorite rant
when they needed yelling at….
was a variation of this…
GO AHEAD, PLAY IN THE STREET !
BUT IF YOU GET RUN OVER
AND I HAVE TO SPEND THE DAY
IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM WITH YOU…
IT’S GOING TO RUIN MY WHOLE DAY !!!
AND I HEARD TELL OF A WOMAN
WHOSE 5 YEAR OLD DROPPED TO THE STREET,
PRONE, FACE DOWN, IN NYC…
AND REFUSED TO MOVE !
AND THE MOTHER WAS TRYING TO ‘COOCHIE-COO’ HIM,
REASONING WITH HIM TO GET UP !
(while the father had that ‘shoot-me-already’ look)
It might have been all show for the people around them.
(she might have pulled him up & swatted him in private)
BUT FOR GOD’S SAKE !!!
Face-to-face with a street homeless pee & shit on ?
(then there’s the vomit, filth, rats, and car drippings)
GRAB THAT KID & DO SOME PARENTING !
Don’t psycho-analyze him in a dangerous location !
UH… NOT CONCERNED ABOUT TRAFFIC ?
(be as ‘stern’ as you have to be once or twice when very young
and they know the rules when they get bigger)
MYÂ MOVE ?
I’d be in a store with the kids (4 or 5 years old)
and if they started ‘acting-up’ or throwing-a-tantrum?
I’D START WALKING AWAY FROM THEM VERY QUICKLY !
(leaving them behind)
By the time I was half-an-aisle away,
they came back to their senses, looked to see me leaving,
and came running, with a much better attitude !
(hey.. I didn’t want to be associated with bratty kids)
ONCE THEY KNEW I’D BE ‘JETTING’ AWAY
THEY BEHAVED THEMSELVES MORE TIMES THAN NOT !
Something to ponder…
“The most dangerous strategy is
to jump a chasm in two leaps.”
– Benjamin Disraeli
I’M GELLIN’ !!!
Not with my Doctor Scholl shoe inserts…
I’ve decided to try to tame my un-ruly
long hair and ponytail !
Right out of the shower… hair towel dried…
I brush, put in pony-tail scrunchies,
and my hair is great… for about 2 hours !
(I look at girls with ponytails in awe
at how good they keep them up & up-keep them)
With the summer coming up…
I NEED SOMETHING !
SO with the help of my daughter…
we picked out some ‘man-ly’ hair gel !
IT AIN’T JUST SLAPPED ON !
Applied wrongly, or too much & your hair goes stiff…
like too much hair spray. Too little ? WHY BOTHER !
So I’m experimenting to find out the best usage…
learning what every girl learns when she’s
11 or 12 years old !Â Â Real pain-in-the-ass
what the girlies have to go thru !
(I just want a piece of it, enough to get by)
TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY !
They recommend wet hair, towel dried hair,
apply and style then & there.
Today, I put more than usual in my palms
and ‘pasted down the area behind my ears
leading to the ponytail… the real un-ruly (still short) part.
(who knows if that hair will EVER grow long)
With whatever was left on my palms,
I spread my fingers and ran my hands
thru the rest of my hair, front-to-back.
I’M HOPING I CAN DUPLICATE THE RESULTS !
THE PONY-TAIL IS REALLY ROCKIN’ THESE DAYS !!!
(took long enough)
Good for 3 or 4 hours, then baseball cap for a few hours…
Cap off ? not bad at all… a re-brushing at home
and I’m still almost as gorgeous as I was in the morning !
(and from the front, the ponytail isn’t really obvious)
I SHOULD GROWN ONE BACK-IN-THE-DAY…
WHEN I WAS A PLAYER !!!
(I confess.. ‘playing’ in the bridge-game-of-life.. I was ‘dummy)
I can’t remember the reason it came up at work,
but the question of ‘recording’ voices or images
of ‘un-know-ing’ people came up.
The glut of iPhone videos showing ALL
was used as an example of… WHY NOT ?
I believe and employer can legally monitor
and record phones & email on work equipment.
If a radio show CALLS you?
They aren’t allowed to put you on-air
without informed permission.
If YOU call the radio show?
They can do what they want with your voice.
IF ALL persons concerned are told BEFORE,
you are allowed to ‘tape’….
(it varies by state, but most use ‘wire-tapping’ laws)
Phone the Police ?
You’ll hear the standard ‘beep’ every 15 seconds
which is the signal that you are being recorded.
For some reason (keeping cops & people honest?),
police are allowed to ‘record’ traffic stops…
I GUESS IT PROTECTS ALL OF US !
(cops have to keep their a-hole-ness in-check)
RECORD SOMEONE CLANDESTINE-LY ?
GO AHEAD, SHARE IT !
YOU can be prosecuted both criminally,
and personally sued in civil court !
FINALLY,Â THEÂ iPhone RECORDING ?
From my personal study of cop & lawyer shows on tv,
EXPECTATION of PRIVACY
comes to mind.
In YOUR house, on YOUR phone, in YOUR car…
you have an expectation of privacy.
Out in public?Â YOU are fair game
for the video-graphers !
(except for places that specifially ban cameras or recorders)
I’VE HEARD THAT MALL SECURITY WILL STOP YOU.
(I KNOW the guards at Rahway Prison will send you on your way)
and YOU better have a kid in the competition
if you’re filming a kid sport or competition !
I’M ON THE SIDE OF GOD IN THIS…
but I don’t understand how (legally) a random guy
attending (and filming) young kids can be hassled !
MY OPINION ?Â ARREST THE BASTARD !
But, for example, if the parents are OKAY with
their cheerleader daughters doing go-go-girl routines
and calling it ‘sport’… why are they offended
by some ‘wacky’ male watching or filming it ?
(they can stay home now, DANCE MOMS is on tv)
I’m reminded of the time my teen son
had a girl friend over to cut his hair.
He got one of those moe-howard, mushroom-head hair-cuts
with the sides & back shaved.Â I found it hilarious he wanted
to look that way… and went over with a camera
to capture the event… HE GOT ANGRY !
” You just want to take my picture,
so you can laugh about it years from now ! “
Yes ‘grasshopper’, you know me well…
He was right, of course…
(laugh now, years from now, & in my old age)
((they got some long-hair pics of me that still get laughs))
(((even though my hair has never been longer than it is now)))
((((they may be STILL laughing at me))))
but I replied to him…
” Why would you NOT want a photo of the haircut ?
You obviously thing it, and you, look good.
Why would you get a haircut that’s silly & laugh-able ?
Aren’t you going to be ‘showing off’ in public with it ? “
HE COVERED UP…
I NEVER DID GET THE PIC !
“You’ve achieved success in your field
when you don’t know whether
what you’re doing is work or play.”
–Â Warren Beatty
I had to think about this one…
RIP Renfield was started as play, felt like work for awhile,
still does occasionally, but it comes so easily(?) to me
(I’m in the groove mostly)
I GUESS I REALLY CAN’T TELL ANYMORE !!!
MAYBE IT’S MY OWN BRAND OF SUCCESS !!!
(too bad it doesn’t pay the rent)
the web site is approaching 500,000 hits
and that’s only since 2006,
about 25,000 aÂ month, give or take…
I’m feeling the ‘love’… (success?)
ABSOLUTELY MAKES SENSE…
Oil and gas production may explain a sharp increase
in small earthquakes in the nation’s mid-section,
a new study from the U.S. Geological Survey suggests.
The rate has jumped six-fold
from the late 20th century through last year.
LOTS OF EMPTY SPACE DOWN THERE !
SHIFTING & QUAKING !!!
ASK A SIMPLE QUESTION…
All I wanted to know is what the guy
preferred to be called…
” ARE YOU A RICHARD or a DICK ? ”
and he says…
” I’M A DICK ! “
(I agreed, maybe a little too fast)
the answer to the AGE-OLD question ?
Georgie Porgie, Puddin’ and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry,
When the boys came out to play
Georgie Porgie ran away
Why did the girls cry ?
Why have YOU never questioned why ?
Georgie Porgie is a nursery rhyme
and was seen as an early reference to sexual harassment.
Of course, Georgie Porgie, nowadays, would undoubtedly
be sued in a class-action for sexual harassment by the ACLU.
Kano refers to him in his Bad Boy lyrics, see example
she said she wants a man dat wants 2 treat de woman right
She dont want a georgie porgie dat kissed da girls & made dem cry
WHEN I KISS ‘EM
THEY STAYED KISSED
AND ONLY THE GIRL AT THE BACK
OF THE LINE IS CRYING !
(who said that ? ME ? Not even in my dreams)
I had this ‘brilliant’ idea for a RIP item...
HOW DO THEY MANUFACTURE THE BALLS
USED IN PINBALL MACHINES !
Perfectly rounded, polished silver color,
the friction co-efficient adjusted for
maximum playability and rebound,
the proper weight…
A DIFFICULT THING TO MAKE CORRECTLY ?
and then ?
SOMEONE SAID TO ME…
” they probably make them like they make bearings…”
AND IT RUINED MY ‘BRILLIANT’ IDEA !!!
What is a ‘pinball’ except for a LARGE bearing ?
(and those you can buy by the bag-full cheap)
((pinballs? 6 for $20… big whoop!))
I just found out me (and the neighbors)
were driving the mailman crazy…
There’s a house, 3 down from me,
that’s been FOR SALE for a very long time.
So the mailman hasn’t delivered there for a long time.
Since each house has ONE of those large garbage cans
(one-man truck, mechanical pick-up of garbage)
once you fill YOUR can, you’re stuck with the rest !
(Unless you sneak out, late nite, to next door)
So when one of the neighbors has over-flow,
we just fill the one from the vacant house,
wheel it to the curb, and bring it in the next morning…
(I HAD 3 LOADS OF BUSH CLIPPINGS TO GO)
The mailman has gone on alert.. MANY TIMES…
when he sees signs of life from the house…
waiting for the NEW family !
I SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM GUESSING…
BUT SLIPPED-UP AND LET HIM KNOW THE DEAL !
This 25 year-old engineer
whose day job is submarine robotics
at an engineering college…
INVENTED SUCH A GREAT DEVICE ?
(leave it to an engineer to find a difficult solution)
An ugly, $350 alarm clock
for people who just won’t get-out-of-bed
and wake up to a regular alarm.
Electric, with battery backup, no way to shut off the alarm !
to go to a keypad you keep in another room
and punch in the day’s date !
I don’t have the problem anymore…
but when I did…
I bought a $20 battery operated alarm clock
with an ‘infinity’ option for length of alarm.
THE TRICK ?
Put the alarm on the OTHER side of the room,
forcing you to get out of bed to shut-it-off !
ONCE STANDING, AWAY FROM THE BED,
YOU ARE AWAKE !
WITH THE SAME RESULT THIS $350 CLOCK GIVES YOU !
(only thing missing is the ‘silly’ keypad)
THINK YOU’LL STILL JUMP BACK IN BED ?
Just in case the battery goes dead,
I bought a 2nd ‘same’ alarm clock.
I set it for 10 minutes later
(can’t shut it off easily before alarm time)
forcing me to get out of bed a 2nd time
if I wasn’t already awake !
I SPENT AROUND $40 TOTAL !
The ENGINEER spent countless hours
perfecting his super-alarm clock,
and now has to find ‘idiot’ customers somewhere
willing to shell out the price of a laptop computer
for a friggin’ alarm clock !
(plus mine are portable & aren’t 2 pieces of plug-in furniture)
AND AN EVEN BETTER (cheaper) IDEA ?
Write an ‘app’ that you can sell for $2 for your smart phone…
CAN BE USED NORMALLY WITH ALARM SET !
Disable the alarm shut-off,
disable the power shut-off
(when alarm is set),
download a very loud, piercing alarm sound…
keep it across the room…
(probably charging or charged enough)
take with you portable…
ANDTHE ONLY WAY TO SHUT OFF THE ALARM
IS TO KEY IN YOUR OWN PHONE NUMBER !
I JUST SAVED YOU $348 DOLLARS…
(and could probably make a few for myself)
one more time…
(tooting my own horn)
BIG NEWS !!!
RIP Renfield… the website…
is fast approaching 500,000 HITS !!!
(and I’m only personally responsible for 450,000)
It may very well have reached it already…
less than 5,000 to go last time I looked !
(I’m doing about 25,000 a month these days)
AND IT ONLY TOOK ME 47 YEARS !!!
Actually, there was more traffic than that…
RIP was an email subscription until 2006
(I’m still ‘weaning’ people off that once ‘large’ list
that got aol’s attention thinking me a spammer)
((JUST GO TO THE FRIGGIN’ “.COM” !!!),
Then Dave (sunsetcowboy) helped up-my -ame
by both getting my domain name
and web-mastering for me !
(and with Pill on graphics?Â I WAS COOKING !)
SO IT STARTED OFF SLOWLY…
AND NOW I’M ALMOST RESPECTABLE !
IN HOLLYWOOD or NEW YORK CITY…
this would be a ‘nothing’…
they probably budget for such things…
(and it’s not MY tax money, so I have no personal objection)
I’m not sure if this made national news.. but… after the ‘glow’…
the cash-strapped city of Newark, NJ’s residents are grumbling
a bit at the cost to the city of the WHITNEY HOUSTON funeral.
Some comments can be read here…
Some think, since the city got NO financial benefit and that the family
had abandoned Newark long ago… the estate should pay the
$187,000 it cost for security !Â Â I’d argue that the family didn’t request it
and the city took it on by themselves !
A shame, but in the very poor city, school kids go without…
I’m sure some of them are hoping no other BIG funerals come to town…
FOR YOUR MUSIC EDUCATION
or FOR MUSIC DISCUSSION…
you can always see what Forgotten Hits has to say…
IF YOU WATCHED THE SAM KINISON YOUTUBE CLIPS
YOU’LL SEE WHY I THOUGHT THIS ‘FIT’ IN THIS ISSUE..
With the blood thinners I take,
I’m surprised I don’t bleed as easily as I did 6 months ago.
(or so it seems)
I’M NOT A ‘BLEEDER’, I AVOID BLEEDING AT ALL COSTS !
Well, I poked a small ‘wound’ into the palm of my hand,
and sure enough, a goodly amount of blood
came from that tiny, tiny puncture…
I was at a KFC at the time, so I asked the girl
behind the counter for a napkin (to blot it).
She was giving me a small handful,
so I held up my bleeding palm to say I only needed one.
SHE SAID … ” WOW, YOU’RE REALLY BLEEDING ”
and I say…
” Eh (or is that ‘ah’)… IT HAPPENS
EVERY YEAR AROUND EASTER TIME !
SHE DIDN’T GET IT…
CRUCIFIXION HUMOR usually goes over BIG this time of year !
WELL, IT’S TIME TO WIND-DOWN THIS ISSUE…
Someone wrote to me about last week’s issue…
she ‘accused’ me of getting-out-of-the-wrong-side-of-bed,
or not getting enough sex !
(well, that goes without saying… I’M MARRIED)
I thought it just a regular on-the-rag kinda issue
like I always do… WASN’TÂ ITÂ ?
So.. I DID make an effort to ‘lighten’ things up…
and show off my ‘sparkling’ personality…
(the one I keep in reserve while I bitch at the world)
GO PAY YOUR TAXES YOU DEAD-BEATS !
You never know when a ‘famous-son’
will return in a ‘box’ and cost your town
the little league, or snow removal, money !
COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???
Opposing opinions are welcome,
but since Iâm the only employee of RIP,
you could be wasting your timeâ¦
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