† RIP Renfield #634 – REASON for the SEASON †

***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY,
AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS  IN RIP***

(except for the stuff I make up, lie about,
or receive  mis-information about)

+++++++++++++++++++

Don’t be a stranger,   you can contact me  at…

RIPRenfield@aol.com
or
gary.renfield@gmail.com

**********************

† RIP Renfield  # 634 – REASON for the SEASON †

December 10, 2011

———————

-
-
-
-
-
IT’S GETTING TO LOOK ALOT LIKE APATHY !!!

(er, Christmas?)

NOT REALLY APATHY…

For ME?  I’m pretty much set !

Took 2 days off work, got an out-patient ultra-sound,
got the tree up, put up the outside lights,
did some wrapping… got my overseas gifts ready…
got my ‘business’ gifts in order…
and am ‘coasting’ into Christmas…

IT MIGHT BE STRESS-FREE FOR ONCE !

So I’m ‘breezing’ thru this issue
so I can ‘kick-back’ some more…

(but be ready for my GALA xmas issue next week)
-
-
-
-
________________________________
-
-
-
-
-R.I.P

Tom Wilson, Sr.

Tom Wilson Sr. was the creator
of the hard-luck comic strip character Ziggy.
Tom Wilson Jr., who took over the comic in 1987.

Wilson was an artist at American Greetings card company
in Cleveland for more than 35 years and first published Ziggy
in a 1969 cartoon collection, “When You’re Not Around.”

Ziggy was launched in 15 newspapers in 1971
and appears in more than 500 daily and Sunday newspapers.
It also has appeared in books, calendars and greeting cards.

“Ziggy is a last-in-line character”
“The last picked for everything and a lovable kind of loser.”

“Tom leaves behind a wonderful legacy in Ziggy,
a hard-luck comics page hero who serves
as a reflection of Tom’s endearing wit and optimism.

My ‘dead-dad’ used to call ALL the grandkids.. ZIGGY !
I’m sure they ALL still answer to it !
-
-
-
________________________________
-
-
-
-
-
Shame on me for not observing last issue…

REST-in-PEACE

to the dead and the now-dead defenders
of that day that will live in infamy !

70 YEARS LATER !

(the uss arizona memorial)

It was this single catastrophic event,
not the invasion of Poland, the Battle of Britain
or the persecution of the Jews,
that finally dragged the United States into World War II.
-
-
-
___________________________
-
-
-
-
IF Mrs. Sandusky plans to…

STAND BY HER MAN

She should try dressing like a little boy !
-
-
-
_______________________

-
-
-
-
You don’t see the correlation at first…
but it DOES leave HIS hands free…

A report in Saudi Arabia has warned that if Saudi women
were given the right to drive,
it would spell the end of virginity in the country.

My argument would be their minimal vision
looking thur the slit of a burka !
-
They’re probably not open to opening
drive-in movies either !
-
-
-
________________________

-
-
-
-
“Writing is the only profession

where no one considers you ridiculous

if you earn no money.”
-  Jules Renard

OH YEAH JULES ?

YOU OBVIOUSLY NEVER

RAN INTO MY FAMILY !

13 years of RIP Renfield ?

Last time I tried to brag, first question was…

” DO YOU MAKE ANY MONEY ? “

(400,000 hits? world-wide? merchandise? nada to them)
MY EFFORTS & ACCOMPLISHMENTS TOTALLY DISMISSED !
-
-
-
___________________________
-
-
-
-
Some people have it handed to them…
right place, right time, perfect timing…

NOT  ME !!!

I’ve been out-of-step most of my life.
(not usually by much)

Lately, it’s manifesting itself in store parking lots.
(I figure out-of-sync about – 1minute,30seconds)

The moment I pull in…
Cars (5 or 6 at a time) are all leaving !
Taking turns backing out of spots,
with ME a prisoner, trapped where I am !
ALL I WANT TO DO IS PARK !
Finally, an opening.. bad angle…
I pull up to it, go to back up…
and some a-hole is right on my bumper
even though he can see what I’m doing !
I’m forced to move down to another spot…
the same fuckin’ a-hole does the same thing…
but has enough room to race around behind me,
while I’m screaming…
YOU FUCKING BASTARD !
(I’m never a ‘road-rager’.. quite the opposite.. but I was provoked)
-
-
-
Which leads into my OTHER out-of-step for the day…
The reason I was in that parking lot was because,
the day before,  I had non-Rx shopped at a CVS store…
and spent nearly $80 (2 xmas gifts for $50).
I get home… and the store known for sending
discount coupons the minute after you shop,
actually sent me one that arrived 20 minutes
AFTER I logged off, and an hour before I hit the store.

IT WASN’T THE MONEY,
I WAS ANNOYED AT THE TIMING !
(bothered me all night)
-
So I went back to the store with my receipt
(my mom’s move, I was embarassed),
got angry in the parking lot,
and the store couldn’t have been nicer,
and I got $20 back… good deal…
(they encourage people to do what I did)
((uh, get the money, not yell in the parking lot))
-
AND AN UN-EVENTFUL DRIVE HOME
-
-
-
_____________________________
-
-
-
-
I found it !

BEFORE he was SIR
BEFORE he was LORD
BEFORE HE WAS JAILED !

Jeffrey Archer

had an encounter with ‘lowly’ ME !

backstory…

I was in my basement doing ‘whatever’…
I glanced to my left, and on a bookcase,
at eye-level, was the novel
A MATTER OF HONOUR
penned by Archer,

and autographed  TO GARY !

(I had mentioned it ‘lost’ in the house the week before)
((lost for decades))

front-story…

Archer was happened-upon near London,
at HEATHROW AIRPORT, signing books…
HEY, WHY NOT? I got one too !

NIce man, pleasant to us around him…
very prolific writer,
and the book was a good one…
I may just re-read it !
(with my memory, it’ll be like a new story)
-
-
-
________________________________
-
-
-
-
-
MORE MONEY (cheap-skate) NEWS ?

We got the bill for my week in the hospital,
a week and all kinds of ‘fancy’ tests…
(lots of machines, lots of doctors & techs)

a drum-roll please…

$49,500

WHOA…

Thank GOD for health insurance
and thank God I have some !

MY portion of the bill ?

$200

I’m sure there will be other bills coming…
(for sure the radiologists are separate,
my many doctor office visits too,
also an out-patient ultra-sound I’m doing)
but bill-wise I’m encouraged at coming out okay !

If the bill was TOO high…

it would serve them right if I died !
(then who’s gonna fill out the how-was-your-stay questionaire?)
-
-
-
_______________________________

-
-
-
-
LIFE USED TO BE SO EASY…

I ran into this person a 2nd time
(first was months ago, it was memorable)
You really should have command of the english language,
or at least the menu, if you work the drive-up window
at a fast-food place… like  McDONALDS !

MY ORDER…

I have a 2-for-1 coupon…
I’d like 2 BIG MACS, a McDouble,
and a 2nd McDouble with NO cheese.

SIMPLE ENOUGH ?

BACK AT ME…

You want a BIG MAC & a HAPPY MEAL ?
NO… and repeat order…
NO CHEESE ?
and repeat, then explain again…

When told the price, I knew the order was wrong.
I get to the window, another girl looks surprised
when I explain the mistake(?).
I pay the right money… but the pick-up window
doesn’t have the order correct…
but quickly get the 2 burgers and send me on my way….

WHEW… GLAD TO BE OUT OF THERE !

An hour or 2 later…

I microwave my 2 BIG MACS & get ready to eat…
It’s then I notice a sticker on one of the BIG MACS…
NO CHEESE !
-
-
SHE HAD TO GET ME !!!
” From Hell’s heart I strike at thee, RENFIELD ! ”

No matter how many explanations or repeats
of the order were going to get thru !
REALLY though… if I’m eating a BIG MAC,
do ya think I’m worried about a thin slice
of whatever cheese substitute they made in the lab?
-
-
-
-
SPEAKING of CHEESE
I put my own cheese on the BIG MAC
and ‘nuked’ it melted !

AND IT’S VERY EASY TO NOTICE…
You know how packaged food & candy
are getting tiny-er & tiny-er ?
My 24 sliced individual wrapped cheese
has also fallen victim !!!

THEY MUST HAVE HALVED
THE WIDTH OF A CHEESE SLICE
FROM WHAT THEY HAD A YEAR OR 2 AGO !
(it’s clearly notice-able to the naked eye)

THE BASTARDS !!!

Portion-ing almost seems like the gov’t
passed an anti-obesity law…

THE BAD ECONOMY COULD VERY WELL
TAKE CARE OF THE NEED FOR SUCH A LAW !

ONE LAST THING?
The thinner-cheese seems to melt and taste better !
-
-
-
___________________________________

-
-
-
-
I’ve become a regular re-run watcher of

BACHELOR  FATHER

It’s great to see the ‘babes’ on the show
that are very young versions of ‘famous’ actresses,
ones you’ll recognize, or sometimes scratch your head…
I got to see a young version of a favorite of mine…

WHITNEY  BLAKE

Later, the respectable Mrs. B on HAZEL,
she was the big-titted, sex-pot beauty on Bachelor Father.

ONE IMDB THING THAT SURPRISED ME…
You know how actors always seem taller in person?
Whitney looks statue-esque… tall and slim…
and she does have a slight build (with big tits),
but she’s only 5′ 5” !!!

I’M WONDERING IF HER HEIGHT IS AN ILLUSION ?
Figure her height is accurate…
Put her in high heels & a fluffy hair-do…
and she’s 5′ 8” or 5′ 9” !!!
(with big tits)

addendum…
John Forsythe had access to tons of later-famous beauties !
Besides Whitney, he romanced Donna Douglas,
and even a man-hungry Mary Tyler Moore !
(BEFORE she met Rob Petrie)
((MTM limited… she ALWAYS plays it as Laura Petrie))
OH… and Ryan O’Neal played a particularly
super, a-hole of a high school jock on the show.
-
-
-
_____________________________

-
-
-
-
NEW VOCABULARY WORD WARNING !!!

-
-

Wasn’t the last issue of RIP RENFIELD

‘tolerable’ good ?
-
-
-
_________________________________
-
-
-
-

from ed marimba

http://dontgetthewrongidea.blogspot.com/

DON’T GET THE WRONG IDEA…

Glad you mentioned the wonderfully horrible film,
“Land of the Giants”, simply because it reminded me of two things:

Joy Harmon. (Bad sexist joke)

The gloriously top-heavy Joy was one of my teenage fantasy chicks
and is probably best remembered, if at all, for her role as the
car washing babe in “Cool Hand Luke.”



She had a featured part in “Giants”
and, for me, was and still is the only reason worth drooling over,
I mean, watching this film. I always wanted to be Johnny Crawford
hanging from her giant bikini top.

I hadn’t thought about her in ages but after seeing her
in the photo you used, I had to google her.
Seems she’s been operating Aunt Joy’s Cakes in California for ages now.

WHAT A SHAME YOU CAN’T STAY YOUNG FOREVER…
and more of a shame guys hold up so much better !
(I’m not attracted to guys)

(I’ve left out some very harsh pics you can ‘google image’ youself)
((maybe it was a side-effect from being a ‘giant’))

TO DRIVE HOME THE POINT…

WHO IS IT ?   AND HOW OLD ?

Well, it’s SINEAD O’CONNOR…

and she’s 65 !

(actually just had her 45th birthday)

I got 10 years on her

and she could pass for my mother !

My God, what’s in store for her in 20 years?
-
-
-
-
_______________________________
-
-
-
-
-
A co-worker asked about my health
and then mentioned that a NY Giants player,
Stacy Andrews, has the same thing I have…

I said…

A BIG DICK ?

He said.. ” BLOOD  CLOTS in legs & lungs…”
(out for the season – and ME in work!)

So I says…

OH… THAT TOO ?
(no clots in my ‘dick’ yet… some other stuff clots though)

SCARY…

READ STACY’S DIAGNOSIS IN THE NEWS,
AND YOU’VE READ MINE EXACTLY !
-
-
-
-
__________________________

-
-
-
-
a HANDY family ?

My mother asked me to check out her broken,
super-duper can-opener.

The day before a can was jammed in it
and my nephew ‘repaired’ it with a hammer !

I managed to get it operating…
but after inserting a can?
IT WAS JAMMED AGAIN !

After an extensive internet search for a replacment,
I found the problem…

IT’S NOT A FRIGGIN’ CAN OPENER AT ALL !!!

IT’S A JAR OPENER !

(you can’t un-screw a metal can)
-
-
-
__________________________________
-
-
-
-
-
An irate phone-caller was complaining
to the cut-to-the-chase host…
the great RON BENNINGTON
(ron & fez – sirius-xm satellite radio)

MAD THAT HIS TAX MONEY
WAS BEING PISSED-AWAY
BY COP PRESENCE & OVER-TIME
AT THE OCCUPY WALL STREET PROTEST !

AND PISSED OFF AT THE $15 MILLION
IT TOOK TO CLEAN UP THE AREA !
-
-
RON jumped on the jerk…

Told him…
IF YOU WANT TO BE MAD,
BE MAD THAT SOMEONE AUTHORIZED
$15 MILLION FOR THE CLEAN-UP !

If they gave YOU $15 million and told YOU
to have the ’small-area-park’ cleaned up…

HOW MUCH OF THAT MONEY
WOULD YOU BE ‘POCKET-ING’ ?

(and the job done satisfactorily besides)
-
-
-
_____________________________
-
-
-
-
SPEAKING OF ‘SLEAZY’…

I’m watching a commercial on tv…
CREDIT CONSOLIDATION  COMPANY

The speaker is also the owner of the outfit.

His day in the sun?

Saving money doing it himself ?

DON’T THEY KNOW ?
DOESN’T ANYONE TELL THEM ?
DOES THE BUSINESS TURN THEM ?
DOES HE THINK HE’S A ‘COOL’ GUY ?

This guy came across as a total sleaze !
(is that the point? good for business?)

He might be the nicest, most honest person,
but it ain’t coming across to the viewer,
and after see-ing him on tv ?

I’D PROBABLY GO TO A COMPETITOR !
-
-
-
-
_____________________________
-
-
-
-
MUCH TOO LATE IN LIFE…

but I’m announcing it anyway…

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SEVERAL DECADES…

I’M ALTERING MY LEGAL ‘SIGNATURE’ !
(from my totally illegible signature)

Alot of ‘flourish’ & illegibility for the first part still…
and the signature also includes a small, printed…
g. renfield after the ’squiggle’ signature.
(makes sense to me)
but that’s not the ‘new’ alteration.

Instead of a dotted ‘i’, I NOW include
a right-pointing, 45 degree angled slash
above the printed ‘i’

YES, I KNOW… TRES COOL !!!
(but that’s just the kinda guy I am)
-
-
-
or I could always go…
The’ARTIST’ formerly appearing as ‘legible’ …

RENFIELD

ADDENDUM…

First person I explained & showed it to
(the kid pumping my gas)
was ‘wow-ed’ at the elegance of the change !
Was TOTALLY impressed with the alteration !!!
(just right, just perfect, REALLY makes it, he said)
-
-
-
_______________________________
-
-
-
-
WELL… I’M DONE, KIMOSABE

After I ’sign-myself-out’ with my ‘new’ signature,
I’ll start planning my next move

THE GALA CHRISTMAS ISSUE for NEXT ISSUE !

Psst… I’ve been holding back…

got some really good, xmas stuff in-the-can,
and the way the holiday falls,
the XMAS issue will be up the entire week
preceding the actual Christmas !

SO MAKE SURE
YOU MAKE SURE
TO BE SURE
TO READ
THE NEXT ISSUE

You WILL BE properly entertained !!!
-
-

____________________

COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

Opposing opinions are welcome,
but since I’m the only employee of RIP,
you could be wasting your time…

*******************************

OCCASION RIP BANNERS
& ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist

TISH (PILLBUG)
——————————

>>>>>TELL YOUR FRIENDS<<<<<
(or not, I really don’t care)

+++++++++++++++++++++