† RIP Renfield #619 – BACK to WORK BLUES †

***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY,
AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS  IN RIP***

(except for the stuff I make up, lie about,
or receive  mis-information about)

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Don’t be a stranger,   you can contact me  at…

RIPRenfield@aol.com
or
gary.renfield@gmail.com

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† RIP Renfield  # 619 – BACK to WORK BLUES †

August 27, 2011

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Ok everyone… RELAX !

Knowing how much I mean to you,
I wanted all to know that I survived the earthquake !
(just a weird feeling sensation)

AND MOST LIKELY WILL SURVIVE THE HURRICANE !

EARTHQUAKE, HURRICANE IRENE ?

I’M LOOKING PAST THEM FOR WHAT’S NEXT…

PROBABLY A VOLCANO !!!

oh.. the hurricane was VERY wet !


BUT THE EARTHQUAKE ?

WE WILL REBUILD !!!

I was sitting on the floor, online (here in NJ)…
and felt an ‘ass’ vibration…

I thought the plumber was using some heavy equipment
in the basement… then my daughter came downstairs
saying that things were ’swaying’ in her room !
A few seconds later… Ronnie B. from Ron&Fez
started feeling it and commenting on it !
(36th floor, ave of americas, nyc)

IT TOOK ANOTHER 4 OR 5 MINUTES
FOR THE NEWS TO HIT TV !

It was MY first…
and as a homeowner,

I hope my last !

(I got enough problems)

We’re not supposed to ‘feel’ earthquakes here…
stable, nyc built on bedrock, historically?
I can’t help but think it was related to the
early morning (same day) earthquake in colorado !
You’d think all the recent disasters
would provide re-building jobs for the unemployed !

The president was notified on the golf course…
(still on vacation)
I WONDER IF HE FINISHED THE ROUND ?
(or the hole?)
We’d know EXACTLY what Bush was doing !
(it would be reported, reported, reported, & reported again)
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R.I.P

ALISTAIR MacLEAN

A Scottish novelist who wrote popular thrillers
and-or adventure stories. Best known for…
THE GUNS OF NAVARONE & WHERE EAGLES DARE
(the book blows ‘eagles’, the movie, away)
and a favorite of mine… ICE STATION ZEBRA
The 3 were made into successful films.
He also wrote under the pseudonym…
Ian Stuart

WHY I LIKE HIM?

HE WRITES TO MY ‘PLAYBOOK’…

Compared to other thriller writers of the time, such as Ian Fleming,
MacLean’s books are exceptional in one way at least:
they have an absence of sex and most are short on romance because
MacLean thought that such diversions merely serve to slow down the action.
Nor do the MacLean books resemble the later techno-thriller approach.
Instead, he lets little hinder the flow of events in his books,
making his heroes fight against seemingly unbeatable odds
and often pushing them to the limits of their physical and mental endurance.
MacLean’s protagonists are usually calm, cynical men entirely devoted
to their work and often carrying some kind of secret knowledge.
A sometime twist is that
one of the hero’s closest companions turns out a traitor.

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It was especially nice to get feedback

telling me how last week’s issue

was VERY good, one of my best…

(yeah? what’s wrong with the others?)

(going for the record, 2 good issues in a row)

Supposedly, I was funny, Jackie Jokeman was funny,
items were interesting… I was on fire I guess !

In my mind’s state of dis-array,
I ESPECIALLY appreciated the kindness.

I guess there’s some truth to successful comics
being miserable in their real lives.
More than once, I’ve seen one become famous
and lose their edge from getting a happier life…
(howard stern comes to mind… he used to be miserable)

I’M NO BIG SHOT…

BUT I’M PLENTY MISERABLE THESE DAYS…

I LOSE… YOU WIN !!!
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What is the difference between

frustration and panic?

Frustration is the first time you discover
you can’t do it the second time.

Panic is the second time you discover
you can’t do it the first time.
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PLANET MADE OF DIAMONDS DISCOVERED ?

WRONG !

The (how many) thousands of years it’s light
(or other measure-able waves)
took to reach the earth !

SO WE ONLY KNOW THAT THERE WAS
A PLANET OF DIAMONDS THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO,
IT MAY STILL BE THERE,
BUT IT’S QUESTIONABLE IF IN THE SAME FORM !

We could be looking at stars or planets
that have thriving civilizations NOW,
but we’re see-ing them as they WERE !!!

DEAL  WITH  IT  !!!

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MAN-MADE (radio&tv) SIGNALS

HAVE REACHED THE CLOSEST STARS ?

BIG DEAL !

It’s not like a laser beam of info was sent
straight out into space with a single channel,
the entire broadcast spectrum shot out at once…
additionally, it left a rotating planet whose rotation
took all those broadcasts and ’spun’ them every which way.
We’re seeing and hearing memories of what was !

THE STATIC THAT WE HEAR COULD VERY WELL BE
THE SAME STATIC OTHERS RECEIVE FROM US !

TOTALLY UN-INTELLIGIBLE !!!
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KATHY GRIFFIN

declares her ‘love’ for

JUSTIN BIEBER

OK, so Griffin has changed up the format a little
by going for the obvious joke right away,
so as not to confuse this with a real love letter,
or an invite to a Marine Corps ball or anything serious like that.
Jim Carrey descended into a disturbing place to get the laugh.
(BUT THE OBJECT OF HIS ‘AFFECTION’ IS 22 YEARS OLD)

UH… 17 YEARS OLD ? STILL A MINOR ?

A joke… but…

Would this type of ‘humor’ be appropriate
for an ‘old man’ or ‘old woman’
to make at the expense of an under-age girl ?

How about a ‘Gilbert Gottfried type’
writing a ‘joke’ love letter to a 17 year old girl ?
(think prosecution & sexual-offenders list)

the old … DOUBLE STANDARD ?

WHERE’S THE OUTRAGE ?

For a girl, I’m thinking the ‘disgust’ factor
would play in very quickly
and some very ‘choice’ adjectives
used to describe the ‘offender’ !

Ala, the 51 year old actor that married a 16 year old.
I didn’t hear any ‘wonderful’ comments
in the media, more the opposite !

I haven’t heard ANYONE ‘bless the union’ !
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WHY WON’T MY POWERS

SWITCH TO ‘WINNING’ LOTTERY MODE ?

(I had a small winner, von ryan, electricity, read on)

Starting my 2nd week of vacation at Casa de Renfield,
I’m full into the ‘habit’ of sleeping till past 9:30am.
Monday morning I lay there, awake, but too
comfortable in position and thought
to motivate myself into full ‘awake mode’
and actually put on a light, stand up, and go !
(I sleep in a room with blackout curtains)

I reach for the pull-chain on the free-standing lamp
next to my bed, pull it, and the light bulb
immediately does a very mini-flash & burn-out.
I’m pissed, I just replaced that bulb a short time ago !
A few seconds later, I hear my cell phone beep,
I hear another device power down,
my projection clock & all 6 of my idiot lights are out…

I’M THINKING I BLEW A BREAKER
WHEN I TURNED THE LAMP ON !

Before I can do anything about it,
before I’m even on my feet…
I’d say about 15-20 seconds,

EVERYTHING COMES BACK ON !

I have to reset some blinking clocks,
but that’s about the extent of the damage.

The initial light bulb?

Came right back on, and is still on as I type a week later.

The freaky, and ONLY, conclusion I can come to is that
the timing of MY pulling the lamp chain
coincided ALMOST EXACTLY with a power out-age !!!

The POWER went OUT in-between the time
I pulled the chain AND the time it took
for the electricity to ‘ALMOST’ reach the bulb !!!
(and the problem was outside the house.. Power Co.)

THAT’S GOTTA MEAN SOMETHING !!!
(way too much of a coincidence)
I could have gotten up at ANY TIME !

LOTTO ?

THIS MAY BE THE WEEK !!!
(focus, man, focus… I have alot of mistakes to fix)
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but then again…

“It is well to remember

that the entire universe,

with one trifling exception,

is composed of others.”
- John Andrew Holmes


CALL ME A ‘TRIFLE’ !
- Renfield
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Thank You,  Hollywood !!!

I think I’m going to be ‘cashing in’
with some major league ‘hits’ to
www.RIPRenfield.com

WITH THIS MOVIE COMING OUT,
I’M SURE TO COME UP IN GOOGLE SEARCHES.
I MIGHT GET THE INTEREST OF MORE THAN A FEW…
(even if just to google Marisa Miller)

Marisa Miller has been cast in a new movie.

The Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition model,
who broke sales records with her 2008 cover,
has joined the cast of

“RIPD”

The film features Ryan Reynolds as a murdered cop
who joins the Rest In Peace Department
in exchange for the chance to hunt down his murderer.

IT MIGHT BECOME VERY FASHION-ABLE
TO START WEARING YOUR RIP RENFIELD T-SHIRTS !
(wore mine just the other day)

HEY.. MAYBE THEY CAN HIRE ME AS A CONSULTANT
(or towel boy)
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PAY DIRT ?

My daughter knows of my stone collection.
A few years back, she cleverly gave me
a unique xmas gift… (not a stone)

A BAG OF SOIL, GRASS, & STONES
FROM THE ACTUAL GRAVE OF
DWIGHT FRYE  – RENFIELD of the MOVIES

(I have it in a nice little wooden coffin
with grave pics & cemetery brochure)

I THOUGHT IT GREAT, IT’S A FAMILY HEIRLOOM NOW.

I jokingly thought it could be a nice, little business.
Little bits of dirt from a variety of celeb graves…

IN THE NEWS THIS PAST WEEK ?
(somebody beat me to it)

… first, a commercial break for a real killer product. Literally.
Entrepreneurs  have been peddling soil from a serial killer’s property.
A Jacksonville, Fla., couple got an accomplice to scoop up
two bags of soil at the Cleveland home of convicted murderer
Anthony Sowell and are selling it for $25 a gram
on their crime memorabilia website.
(Almost five times the average price of low grade marijuana.)

doing it for a celeb, from their grave,
would probably be at least tresspassing,
maybe theft, or desecration…

PROBABLY GOOD I DIDN’T GO FOR IT !
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I SHOWED MY AGE TODAY !

I gave assistance to a young lady.
Afterwards, she said… ” you were right ! “
and I said…
” I’d like to TAPE record that to play for my wife,
words she’s never heard to describe me ! “

TAPE record ?
What century was that from ?
I think in this day & age…
‘RECORD’ would have sufficed !
I wonder if she was thinking…
” What’s this tape thing he’s talking about? ”

It came to mind because the night before
I had just watched… THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT
and when they stopped for gas…
they were asked if they wanted …. UNLEADED !

TO ANYONE WHO STARTED DRIVING
IN THE LAST 20 OR SO YEARS…

UNLEADED ?

IS THERE ANY OTHER KIND ?

Yet, I still have to stop myself (sometimes)
from asking for UNLEADED REGULAR
instead of JUST regular gas !

I guess HAVING to ask that way for a number

of years will do that to ya !
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EAR  WAX

Just so you’re prepared…

THIS disgusted my wife
more than me with my clothes off !

This is a recent occurrence…
(probably from wearing headphones all day)

About 2 years ago, I wrote about an ear clog
that I took care of with over-the-counter stuff.
I went a little overboard and the result was
me losing all balance when straightening my head
(after the drops and the flushing with the squirt ball),
having the brains to ease myself down a bit
so that when I hit the floor and pulled the shower curtain
down, it was a relatively ’soft landing’.
I called to my wife to come running…
I didn’t want to pass out and have her call an
ambulance thinking I had a heart attack !
I SAT, I SIPPED, I WAS FINE AN HOUR LATER !

WELL… IT HAPPENED AGAIN !

(just the clog, not the fall… must be a 2 year thing)

When I showered & water got in my left ear,
and it didn’t ‘empty’ on it’s own,
I knew it was time to ‘clean-out’ again !

(SURPRISING SINCE I KEEP MY EARS VERY CLEAN)

My wife had suggested the cleaning weeks before…
I claimed ‘tinitus’… I could hear a ‘ringing’
from fan blades spinning… (car, home, etc)
AND THE ODDEST PART ?
I use a loud, tinny phone ringer on my cell phone.
(If it doesn’t sound like a phone, I won’t answer it)
I kept checking my phone (in a bag)
thinking the fan blade noise was the phone !
(almost missed some calls because of this too)

I was smart enough this time to stop ‘fishing’
when the job was done (or mostly done).
(but there was still a slight balance-dizzy thing)

I filled the sink basin in the bathroom,
let my ‘medicine’ soak in,
then used the ’squirt ball’ with warm water,
and POP… a pea sized (yeah disgusting)
lump fell into the sink !
I’M AMAZED I COULD HEAR AT ALL !

I took the ‘pea’ to show my wife…

YEP… SOME NOISES SHOWING HER DISGUST !

and she says…

” NO WONDER YOU’RE SO DEAF ! ”

and I say…

” HUH ? “

(it’s ALL in the timing)
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GUNGA  DIN  (1939)

I noticed in the guide that the classic movie was playing.
(I may have used this years ago… apologies)



British soldiers and their water carrier face
Thuggee cultists at the Khyber Pass in 1890s India.

AND IT GOT ME WONDERING
ABOUT THE ORIGIN OF THE WORD

THUG

thuggee -
member of a well-organized confederacy of professional assassins
who traveled in gangs throughout India for several hundred years.
(The earliest authenticated mention of the thugs is found in
Ziya’-ud-Din Barani, History of Firuz Shah, dated about 1356.)
The thugs would insinuate themselves into the confidence of wayfarers
and, when a favourable opportunity presented itself,
strangle them by throwing a handkerchief or noose around their necks.
They then plundered and buried them. All this was done according to
certain ancient and rigidly prescribed forms and after the performance
of special religious rites, in which the consecration of the pickax
and the sacrifice of sugar formed a prominent part.

Ya learn something new every day !!!

EVERYDAY ?

I’m flipping thru channels the VERY NEXT day…
I stop by one channel just long enough
to identify the movie as VON RYAN’S EXPRESS,
and before I can change the channel…
(moments later)
the British officer tells (and shows) Frank Sinatra
the proper way to strangle someone while saying…
” THUG-GARROT-INDIA “

DOES EVERYONE KNOW THIS BUT ME ?
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HURRICANE  STUFF…

Had to be bad…
they closed the casinos !

After if passes ?

Might be some military ordnance
come to the surface (again) in NJ Raritan Center,
or
along the beaches near the
EARL MUNITION DEPOT (navy pier)
(especially active during WW2)

In addition to searching new sand for
dubloons & other valuables…
Metal detector hobbyists
might just be in for a SURPRISE
if some long, lost un-exploded ordnance,
deeply buried, is exposed by the hurricane !

ONE SELFISH HURRICANE NOTE…

We sold our 2nd house out of financial necessity,
last monday was the ‘closing’…
THOSE POOR PEOPLE HAVE WORSE LUCK THAN ME !!!
A day after they own it… and earthquake !
Less than a week?  A HURRICANE !
Seems we got it sold just in time !
It’s sturdy, but who knows how hard it could be hit !
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Well… my 2 weeks off work ends…

and I’m back in the grind Monday…

I’m writing this with ONE more lottery drawing
keeping me between work & happiness !
(please god, or who-ever, my soul’s for sale)

I figured it was a good idea to get this out & posted
in case HURRICANE IRENE bears down
directly on us & does her worst !
(no power, no internet, etc.)

(Okay, so I won’t do 2 good issues in a row !!!)

THE FULL FORCE HITS EARLY SUNDAY !
(unless it misses us, it’s not !)

Hopefully we won’t have to stand on our toes
to keep our heads above water,
or have to wait it out on the roof of the house !

So, as the water rises… I bid you adieu with a

GLUG, GLUG, GLUG
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COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

Opposing opinions are welcome,
but since I’m the only employee of RIP,
you could be wasting your time…

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OCCASION RIP BANNERS
& ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist

TISH (PILLBUG)
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>>>>>TELL YOUR FRIENDS<<<<<

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