† RIP Renfield #576 – Vote for HALLOWEEN †

***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY,
AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS  IN RIP***

(except for the stuff I make up, lie about,
or receive  mis-information about)

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Don’t be a stranger,   you can contact me  at…

RIPRenfield@aol.com
or
gary.renfield@gmail.com

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† RIP Renfield  #576 – Vote for HALLOWEEN †

October 30, 2010

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I’m running late…

I’ll get right to it…

I won’t waste your time with my witty opening comments…

HALLOWEEN

FYI

Halloween’s origin is ancient and astronomical.
Since the 5th century BC, Halloween has been celebrated as a cross-quarter day,
a day halfway between an equinox (equal day / equal night)
and a solstice (minimum day / maximum night in the northern hemisphere).
With amodern calendar, however, the real cross-quarter day will occur next week.
Another cross-quarter day is Groundhog’s Day.

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R.I.P

Kevin McCarthy

Kevin McCarthy was an American stage, film, and television actor,
who appeared in over two hundred television and film roles.
For his role in the 1951 film version of Death of a Salesman,
he was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor
and won a Golden Globe Award for New Star of the Year – Actor.
McCarthy is probably best known for his starring role in
Invasion of the Body Snatchers, a 1956 horror science fiction film.

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for this election day ?

VOTE

and vote often !

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well said…

If God had wanted us to vote,

he would have given us candidates.
- Jay Leno


It takes too much energy to be against something
unless it’s really important.
- Madeleine L’Engle


(like the state of the country?)

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It really says a lot about your party
when a scant 2 years after the Bush debacle…
you have to scramble out of fear
of losing Congress & the Senate
to the party Bush should have ‘poisoned’ for a decade !

WHY DO THEY FIGHT SO HARD TO GET IN
WHEN THEY HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT TO DO WHEN THEY GET IN ?

Is it a mention, good or bad, in history books ?

Is there a mountain of money in it ?

IS IT THE CHICKS ?

Seems to me the smart move
would be to lose the election to the other party
when the country is in the crapper
with no respite from the ills of the country coming soon !

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halloween masks…

Interesting that they still exist…

I’ve read about them being used as disguises in robberies…
(someone walks in the business door with one on ? SHOOT !)
France rightly so banned face coverings…
(as in burka types especially)

for security reasons in a dangerous world !
It’s not a religious thing either…

NYC bans the wearing of ski masks.

..
both for robbers and for cold temperatures !

USE MAKE-UP or JUST YOUR UGLY MUG…

but adults should not wear masks for any reason,
and masks that block the view for
trick-or-treating children are even more dangerous !

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SPEAKING OF KEEPING FACES COVERED…

I stupidly decided to write this item
AFTER the photo of the woman was no longer available.

The story of this women being duped
by a ’soldier’ overseas into sending a laptop computer
and amounts of money adding up to $25,000
appeared with her name, photo, & ’soldier’ photo.

First of all… the ’soldier’ was gorgeous…

I’D EVEN BE TEMPTED TO DATE HIM !

The woman, on the other hand ?

oi vey… you should really know your limitations !

It finally occurred to me why the story was on my mind !
A few decades ago I had season NY Ranger Hockey tickets.,
You get very friendly with other season ticket holders
sitting near you year after year…  There was a family sitting
in the next section over… (mom, dad, son, wife, daughter).
The one teen (legal) girl was very cute…

but the wife of her older brother ?
One of the guys sitting in front of me (older, real new  yorker)
used to shake his head
and use an expression, new to me to, describe her
(I’ve never heard it before or since)…

and the duped woman with the internet relationship
with her gorgeous soldier boy
could easily be described the same way…

“`SHE HAS A FACE LIKE A FOOT !!! “

I never had an understanding of that phrase
that I could put in words…

BUT I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE MEANT !

and if I could produce that photo
YOU’D know what it means too !



(susan boyle is the nearest approximation I can think of)

FACE LIKE A FOOT ?

ME ?

I have other ‘charms’ that make up for it !


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I hope I’m not TOO boring
when I relate stories that happen to me
in my daily life…
LEAVE IT TO RENFIELD?
(sorry barbara billingsley)

TODAY…

This never happened to me before…
With $127 dollars of goods bagged
and in my shopping cart…
MY VISA CREDIT CARD WAS DENIED !!!
(can’t be.. try it again… STILL DENIED)
Now I’m getting looked at like one of the regular
thieving Walmart customers !
IT’S REALLY EMBARASSING !!!
I suspected trouble… the card in question
has a limit in the stratosphere
and if it were at it’s limit…
I’D HAVE TO SELL MY HOUSE !

I wonder what people did before cell phones ?
They shut down the register line…
(the people behind me ‘loved’ me)
and I phoned VISA… I was going great until
I couldn’t come up with my wife’s mother’s maiden name !
GEESH !!!
I bullshit my way past that and straightened it out.
Although they never told me what the problem was.
The customer service rep and I decided it might have to do
with my wife driving to Boulder, Colorado this past week.
There were cross-country gas and hotel charges along the way.
It must have set off some security program
for odd charges or for deliberate ’stolen’ charges.


SERVES ME RIGHT
FOR BEING A WALMART CUSTOMER !
(I’m just glad it didn’t happen anywhere respectable)

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Then I got a letter from the post office…
They supposedly scanned and shredded
the check I wrote to the water company for my bill.

Suggesting I put a return address
or better address my mail !

YA THINK AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SEND A LETTER ?
Obviously some machine chewed it up !

I called and asked the water company to re-bill me.
Figuring it had a better chance of getting
to the right desk or department in one of their mailers.

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I stopped for gas today…

I use my 1992 van to get back & forth to work.
(plus assorted local travel)
I only stop for gas every 3rd or 4th week.
I get my $20 worth and it lasts a while.

THE ONE THING ?
In the time between getting gas…
the price can fluctuate quite a bit…
TODAY ?
Gas cost more than 20 cents MORE a gallon
than the last time I got gas !

I told the attendant of my ‘gas’ habits…

He told me that gas had been going up
the last  few weeks…
HE BLAMED THE TRAPPED MINERS IN CHILE !

Said the oil companies would use any excuse
to raise the price of a gallon of gas !!!


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Finally…

I was invited to a 60th wedding anniverary party.
I RSVP’d for 3…
My wife left for colorado?  RSVP now 2
CHILLER THEATER WEEKEND ?
My daughter plans to party with her hero…
BARBARA EDEN
(says they all slam-em-down after the autograph show)
((tony curtis bought her a drink last year))
SO I CALLED AGAIN… RSVP down to 1 !!!
(I wish I could get out of it)
JUST RSVP’d BACK TO 2… I HOPE THAT’S IT,
THIS IS GETTING EMBARASSING !

NOW I NEED A CARD & A GIFT…

The GIFT ?
I bought several little plain wooden boxes…
and plan to use one as a TREASURE CHEST.
Fill it with 60 GOLD DOLLAR COINS,
put it in a shiny gift bag, and gift is done…
(the coins are bound to end up in a casino)

THE CARD ?
First I planned to get a FIRST anniversary card,
and alter it so that they rolled-over
after the maximum number
and rolled-it-back to ONE.
I couldn’t find the right card for this
so I bought a 50 YEAR CARD
and very obviously used a RED sharpie marker
and wrote a 6 over the 5 to make it 60 !!!

MY WIFE WOULD ‘SHIT’ IF SHE SAW IT,
BUT I’M JUST WACKY ENOUGH
(to the family)
TO GET AWAY WITH IT !!!

BY THE WAY…

A few days AFTER the party,
I called and left a message on the voice mail
that I wanted to change my RSVP again !

THAT ENDS MY DAY OFF…
(can’t wait to get back to work)

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“I molested myself last night.

At first I said no,

but I knew I really wanted it.”

I HAVE A FEELING THAT THE LITTLE BLUE PILL
I TOOK WASN’T VIAGRA !

I HATE BEING WATCHED !!!

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my ‘POWERS’ have been of fire lately…
(keep the silverware away from me)



I finally got around to deleting & reloading my mp3 player…
I tape Ron & Fez replays to listen to mostly…
but also include short playlists of music…
(maybe 50 or so songs)

I went with a Halloween theme from a compiled CD of mine
and decided to fill the other ‘half’ with country…
(not the new ‘poppy’ stuff)
Long story short… I went with some
Iris Dement, Tom Russell, John Prine, Shelby Lynne,
Townes van Zandt, Mary Chapin Carpenter,
Willie Nelson (with elvis costello & diana krall)
and STEVE EARLE.

Hadn’t included the likes of these guys on for a while.
Great artists of course, but not Top 40 material !
(at the very least, obscure choices for most)
I kept singing (out loud) the STEVE EARL song…
and, for no reason, said his name out loud
a few times during the day…

LATER THAT NIGHT…
I’m reading my email and there’s one from
the NJ Performing Arts Center that I would normally
just delete, unread.   For some reason,
I decided to open it this time…

and BOLDLY advertised ?

JOAN BAEZ !
with special guest…

STEVE EARLE

I can’t ever recall him appearing here in New Jersey !
(I’m sure he has somewhere along the way)
HE DOESN’T EXACTLY GET A LOT
OF RADIO AIR PLAY EITHER !

AND WHY TODAY ?


For the life of me..
I have no idea why I had him on my mind,
and why today turned into STEVE EARLE day !
(well, Steve Earle-Townes van Zandt day)

kinda obscure coincidence, no?

http://music-movement.com/en/

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the wife’s away…

and I’m the chef…

I don’t know why it came to mind,
but, back in the day, WEINER WRAP was a regular product…
haven’t seen or heard of it in decades…

They come out looking something like this…



SO, I WENT TO WORK…

I bar-b-que’d a bunch of  hot dogs…
and then found (in the fridge) a container of
PILLSBURY GRANDS BISCUITS (the big ones)…

I stretched the dough a bit,
wound it around the hot dogs,
and put them in the oven…

A hot, fresh-baked bun with a hot dog center
dipped in hot mustard ?

OOH-LA-LAH !!!

I wonder what I’ll come up with tomorrow !

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THE WIFE IS AWAY ?


as a lifelong Doctor Who fan
(h.g.wells no slouch either)
the chance of travelling back in time
has always facinated me…

To think… I could go back
and have sex with that 18 year old girl
and do it right this time…

YEP…  I’D GO BACK TO
LAST WEEK AND DO IT RIGHT !!!

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the CHARLIE CHAPLIN Time Traveller ?

I’m sure most of you have
seen the video by now…
(woman talking on cell phone in 1928)
but just in case…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6a4T2tJaSU&feature=related

Listen, I’ll let you in on a little secret…
Mistakes happen, but you have to balance
the ‘damage’ done versus the ‘damage’
likely to be created by ‘correcting’ the time line !
If the percentage is high for severe ‘over-correction’
sometimes it’s just better to let the mystery be
instead of going back (again) to correct the error !
(it’s not like you rubes will be able to explain it satisfactorily)

Our time expeditions are rarely in eras
where they can be ‘captured’ for later generations to review.
AND HEY… 1920’s …  2000’s…
it’s hard to keep technology of the day straight
when the years are so close together !

TIME TRAVELLERS are usually limited
to viewing pivotal points in history…
I, personally, am not in favor of
’shopping trips’ or celebrity/entertainment spotting !

LIKE OLD-TIME PLAYBOY BUNNIES…
YOU CAN LOOK, BUT DON’T TOUCH !!!

Otherwise you end up in someone’s video
using ‘imitation’ 21st century technology !
(like Captain Kirk using a communicator in the 60’s)
Better to use 23rd century technology
T-mail (thought-mail) is less likely to be detected,
than someone using a hand-held communicator !

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http://forgottenhits60s.blogspot.com/

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Why do co-workers dis-like me so ?

This one guy’s wife used to have a high-fallutin’
accounting job with a major nyc accounting firm.
She took time off to be an at-home mom
at least until the kids were in school.

She was ready to go back to work,
but the economy wasn’t cooperating…
So every once-in-a-while I’d ask this guy
‘how his wife was doing with her job search?’
(nice of me I thought)

THIS TIME he tells me that she finally found something…
part-time, but enough to keep her busy…

So I answer…

” GREAT !!!  WHERE DOES SHE DANCE ? “

(I know SHE doesn’t like me, now her husband doesn’t either)

((too bad… dollars?  I’d ‘throw’ her a fiver))

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At YOUR request…

JACKIE (the joke man) MARTLING
will, when the mood strikes him, send YOU
a shitload of jokes from his repertoire…
www.Jokeland.com

(Jokeland@aol.com)

For your perusal,  a few that amused me…

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i like this one .. a lot…lol

Any organization is like a tree full of monkeys.
They’re all on different levels.
Some are climbing up, and some are going down.
The monkeys on top look down & see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up & see nothing but assholes.

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Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Because pissing in the bathtub is disgusting.

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What’d the Ethiopian say when the skeleton fell on him?
Get off me, you fat bastard.

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A couple goes to the marriage counselor.
The marriage counselor says, “I think we should
start with what you have in common.”
The husband says, “Neither of us likes to suck cock.”

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for the kids:

What would you call a guy
who only has one knee and only one toe?

Tony.


DRIVE HOME SAFELY.

REMEMBER TO TIP YOUR WAITRESS

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Anyone nit-picking enough to write a
letter of correction to an editor
doubtless deserves the error that provoked it.
- Alvin Toffler

So there (MARTLING) !

I report that for those that pick-up & let me know of…
the very rare(?), occasional ‘typo’ in RIP !

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FINALLY..

.
SOME GREAT TV !!!

I’m not a ‘watcher’ of PBS as a rule…
but I was taping Masterpiece Theater
for my wife (who is away)…

and started watching the new Brit
update of SHERLOCK HOLMES…

FRIGGIN’ FANTASTIC !!!

I suppose I’m an afficianado of all things Holmes…
actually a connoisseur…
and I watch any, and all, attempts, serious AND comedic.
but, except for then modern day BASIL RATHBONE…
THEY ALL STINK  ON ICE !
(some more than others)
For some reason, I watch JEREMY BRETT as Holmes…
but I don’t especially enjoy the show…
(same thing with David Suchet, I watch Poirot constantly
WHY? I DON’T KNOW !)




THIS NEW HOLMES…

brought to you by the DOCTOR WHO people
(didn’t have to tell ME… I could see it)
SHOULD BE as bad as all the others…
but somehow they brought the characters
into the 21st century (with current technology)
and created the best thing I’ve seen on tv in a long while !
I’d have GLADLY paid to see it in a theater !

It might be hard to catch the first one now…
but I believe there are 3 total (1 1/2 hours each)

IF I CATCH A REPLAY…

I MIGHT JUST RECORD THEM AS ‘KEEPERS’ !


Great choice of actors,
great portrayals,
great character development,

a great (elegant) crime,

a mysterious SPY ‘under-current’ that grabs you…
and the story really moves along !


IT JUST WORKS !!!

(and I’ll miss new episodes when this run of 3 is over)

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SERENDIPITY ?  KARMA ?

I SUCK !!!




More specifically, it sucks to be honest…
(and have a conscience)
About a month ago, I bought lottery tickets
at a 7-11 and a few other items…
I had my car keys and a couple of single dollar bills
in one hand at one point…
but when I got home, realized that
I had dropped the money somehere (the store?)
Not a lot of money… but it bothered me anyway.

I’m in the same store a few nites ago…
I dig out the coins to round the bill to an even dollar.
While in conversation with the kid…
I guess I confuse him and he gives me
$15 change instead of $5.
(I don’t notice till I get home)

I CONSIDER THINGS LIKE THIS…

A TEST FROM GOD !

Getting a ‘windfall’ in the same store
I dropped, and lost, money on the ground ?
(and only a few weeks later, & in the right sequence)

I returned the next nite…
the kid had no idea he gave me too much…
HE TOOK SOME CONVINCING !
but DID tell me he was responsible for losses…

SO I SURPRISED HIM…
(actually shocked him)
by explaining to him, convincing him,
and giving him back the 10 spot !


It’s one of those little things in life I keep straight.
I don’t want crap like that to be my last thought
as I’m laying on my deathbed !


IT MAY NOT SHOW…

BUT I’M A PRETTY NICE GUY

(even if I say so myself.. & I have to.. no one else does)

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but since ‘nice guys’

finish last…

I GUESS I’M ‘FINISHED’

WITH THIS VERY LATE ISSUE…

HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD HALLOWEEN…
But Trick-or-Treating isn’t what it once was…

I MISS THE LITTLE ‘COSTUMED’ BASTARDS !
(plus I got a ton of leftover candy I’ll end up eating)

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COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

Opposing opinions are welcome,
but since I’m the only employee of RIP,
you’re wasting your time…

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OCCASION RIP BANNERS
& ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist & resident genius

TISH (PILLBUG)
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