† RIP Renfield #568 – LABOR DAY †

***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY,
AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS  IN RIP***

(except for the stuff I make up, lie about,
or receive  mis-information about)

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Don’t be a stranger,   you can contact me  at…
RIPRenfield@aol.com

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† RIP Renfield  #568 –  LABOR DAY †

September  4, 2010

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IF IT HAPPENS ?

MY LAPTOP IS ACTING UP…

IT’S  HAPPENED !!!

My daughter recovered from a nasty virus,
AND NOW ?
I’ve been running on ‘fumes’ for 6 months…
NOW, a space-eating virus got past my defenses…
(and my C: drive is filling fast)

I’VE DONE THE PREP WORK, FOUND THE DISKS,
AND I SHOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE MY LAPTOP
UP & RUNNING WITHOUT RIP READERS EVEN NOTICE-ING
THAT I HAD A PROBLEM !
(unless there’s a problem with my restore disks)

EH.. GOOD TO CLEAN OUT THE MACHINE
EVERY FEW YEARS… THIS WILL BE NEARLY 6 YEARS !

IT’LL BE LIKE BRAND NEW & SPEEDY AGAIN !

I REALLY SHOULD ‘MOVE’ ALL OF YOU
TO READING FROM THE WEBSITE !!!
(that day is coming)

The mailing list is a little out-of-control !

_____________________

DUE TO THE ABOVE PROBLEM…
THIS MAY BE A PECULIAR ISSUE…

alot of it was pre-written…
but some of the ‘finer’ touches (like nudity) might be missing.

———-

ugh… back at work…

The TWO weeks off was great !
Didn’t do anything special, so the time dragged…
like it would go on forever…
(I checked EVERY lottery drawing, just in case)

The BEST part ?

Starting the 2nd week…
I started feeling like a human being again !

NOTHING LIKE IT !

Even mowing the lawn on a cool, cloudy day…
just a slight mist of rain that didn’t last…
ahhh… even that was more fun than work !
(not a strain at all)

(and now it’s only a memory and I’m back in the ‘grind’)

AND IT’S 95 DEGREES AGAIN !!!

(Hurricane Earl should cool us off for the holiday weekend)

___________________

R.I.P

Lorene Yarnell  (mime, dancer)

Died July 29, 2010.  Born March 21, 1948.
Part of the ubiquitous ’70s-’80s Shields and Yarnell mime team,
Yarnell and Robert Shields divorced and she later
retired to Norway after appearing as Dot Matrix in Spaceballs.

I remember them advertised as San Francisco(?)
street performers who came to someone’s attention,
got a bunch tv and vegas fame,
and even had their own (summer?) variety show…
(working from memory, too lazy to look it up)

Their mime act was something new to tv…
(the modern version anyway)

and, for me?

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A SUCKER
FOR A FEMALE TAP DANCER !!!
(and she was cute)
(my other weakness is ‘cowboy’ yodel-ing)

I knew they had split up the act…
Way back in the early 90’s,
I remember Howard Stern commenting about
a vacation trip to Phoenix, Arizona…
The guy he ran into selling custom jewelry
claimed to be ROBERT SHIELDS…
(talk about falling from grace)

WELL…
STILL WAY TOO YOUNG FOR LORENE…


_______________

LAST  WEEK ???

2 MIS-SPELLINGS IN THE FIRST 2 LINES OF RIP ?

My summer vacation if over,

the kids are back to schook,


PROBABLY MORE IF I CHECK…
BUT I HAVE AN EXCUSE…

IT WAS THE DRUGS !!!

(you should never mix percocet & vicodin)

____________________

THE DOCTOR…

the APPOINTMENT…

I made the appointment for the physical 4 months ago.
Two days before, I get a voice mail requesting me
to change the appointment from 9am to 8am !

Now I’m on vacation for the 2nd week…
I’m annoyed that I made the appointment
as early as 9am, since I’ve been sleeping till then.

I was wondering why I was the ‘weak-link’…
Was there over-booking ?
Was there a VIP patient that wouldn’t come early ?
(or couldn’t be inconvenienced)

I called and said I’d rather NOT come in early…
but they insisted and I reluctantly agreed
to make it as early as I could…

I DIDN’T FEEL AS ‘USED’

(or a 2nd rate patient)

WHEN THEY CONFESSED TO ME
THAT THEY WOULD BE ABLE TO CLOSE THE OFFICE
AND LEAVE FOR AN EARLY WEEKEND
A FEW HOURS SOONER BY RE-SCHEDULING !

(making me a good guy, not a ‘pawn’)

but now? early afteroon ?

I MIGHT JUST TAKE A NAP !!!

___________________

Time sneaks up on you

like a windshield on a bug.
– John Lithgow

yep !!!

Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit.
Someone ought to take it away from him
before he cuts himself.
– Peter da Silva

okay da Silva…

IS THAT BEING DIRECTED AT ME ?

__________________

I thought I’d get some use out of this banner…
(So far, I haven’t been sick enough to miss an issue)

and add it for THE DOCTOR THEME !!!

___________________________

LARGER & LARGER PORTIONS
AT RESTAURANTS ?
FAST FOOD DOLLAR MENUS ?

THE GROWING PROBLEM OF OBESE-NESS ?

THINK  TWILIGHT ZONE…

I’m thinking it’s an alien plot..
like the episode… TO SERVE MAN…
only they want more meat
on the bone next time they come
SO THEY DON’T WASTE A TRIP
AND ONLY GET SOUP-BONES !

(AND YOU WON’T BE OUT-RUNNING THEM)

________________

I cleaned car again…

(never the outside… but the inside was due)
every 10 years whether it needs it or not…

i will have met my goal with this vehicle…

20 years !

Just got ‘inspected’ by the state
and good for another 2 years
taking me to the MAGIC 20 !!!

(antique license plates at 20, classic at 25 in NJ?)


I have to do it with this car,

I may not live long enough to do 20 with another vehicle.
Well I should survive past that…
but maintaining it might be a problem…
plus I don’t want to look ‘homeless’ in my old age…

ANYWAY…

When I cleaned out under the middle seat in the van
I found my ’stash’ for the kids…
boxes of chiclet gum & assorted CHARMS lollipops
(the good stuff)

THIS IS A STORY I’VE TOLD BEFORE…

but…

The neigborhood kids (from either side of me)
would be out playing in the yard around the time
I used to get home from work.
I kept a stash of gum and hard candy in the car
to keep my own kids ‘amused’ during long car trips.
So, whenever I’d see them, I’d offer something
to the very enthusiastic, happy, 8-to-10 year old kids…
(it was only 3 or 4 of them)

This was in the olden days before PC…
I wouldn’t dare give a kid candy now !
Days where you’d give kids candy canes at Xmas,
or heart-shaped lollipops on Valentines Day, are long gone…
IT WOULD KILL ME TO HAVE A PARENT LOOK AT ME
SUSPICIOUSLY, LIKE I HAD AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE !
My motive was ALWAYS that I liked kids…
and after they grew up a bit,
they’d be less likely to vandalize my car or home !

BUT YOU REALLY CAN’T TAKE A CHANCE
WITH SOMEONE’S ‘ATTENTION’ TO YOUR KIDS…
(so I understand how I could have appeared)
BETTER TO STAY AWAY !
AND SADLY, NOW I DO !


ANYWAY…

One day as I’m nearing my house,
the kids (in a group) spot my car,
and start cheering…

” HERE COMES GARY !!! “

Sound nice?

Well, the mother of one of the kids was there,
and she was really scratching her head
wondering why they were so glad to see me !!!

It DID make sense to her after the candy changed hands,
but, WHEW, I’m glad I had candy THAT day !!!
(but probably went on her ‘watch list’)

NOW THE REASON THAT STORY CAME UP AGAIN ?

Here is a close-up from the above CHICLET pic…
I previously published BURGER KING coupons from 2001
that I found in my un-used glove-box…

BUT I THINK THESE MAY HAVE BEEN
IN THE CAR A BIT LONGER…

from the side of one of the CHICLET boxes…



I’m assuming that particular copyright date
was on their boxes for more than a single year…
but they can’t be from later than 1995 or 1996 at the very latest !!!

THE CANDY WAS SEALED
BUT I COULDN’T GET ANYONE TO TASTE TEST IT
(BEFORE I HAD ANY)
SO I ENDED UP THROWING IT OUT…
(keeping one box as a souveneir)

IT’S NOT LIKE THE CAR WAS A PIG-STY…
I JUST OVER-LOOKED THE BAG OF CANDY
FOR A DECADE OR SO !!!

___________________

THE DOCTOR VISIT…

The physical was great !
BP 136 /82, EKG fine, all was right with the world.
As a reward, the doctor even stuck a finger up my fat ass !

AFTER I FINISHED MY STAND-UP ROUTINE…
he told me this one…

A doctor is at a party, he’s annoyed with
everyone asking him medical questions,
he’s wondering why his lawyer friend isn’t being bothered.
He goes over to the lawyer & asks the secret.
The lawyer says that once he started billing ‘party’ people,
they left him alone… GREAT IDEA !!!
So, the next day, the doctor reluctantly sends out bills
for all the ‘free’ advice he gave the night before…
A few days later, he checks his mailbox…
finds a letter and opens it…
IT’S A BILL FROM THE LAWYER !


BACK TO THE PHARMACY… (chemist shop)

I go to fill a prescription,
while I’m waiting, I see vitamins on sale 2-for-1
and find my needed ginkgo biloba…
I talk to some old guy & help him find his wife’s
orange boxed one-a-day vitamins…
I shop a little more.. and a few minutes later…
I see the same old guy SHOPLIFTING 2 boxes
of said vitamins.. slipping them into his pocket !!!

I HATE SEE-ING SHIT LIKE THAT !!!
(I’m very sensitive)

I know it goes on, but I’m way honest
and really don’t need to witness anything !

EITHER HE COULDN’T AFFORD THEM,
HE USED THE WIFE’S UN-USED MONEY FOR BOOZE,
OR HE WAS A THIEF !

EACH OF THOSE BOTHER ME WAY TOO MUCH…
And, also bothersome to me ?
I SAID NOTHING AND LET THE THEFT GO ON !!!

SO I’M LEFT FEELING BAD THAT I DIDN’T DO
THE RIGHT THING AND TURN HIM IN,
OR
WITNESSED A SAD, POOR OLD-MAN
STRUGGLING TO GET BY !

(or some boozer getting one over on the store)


LIKE I SAID…

I’M WAY TOO SENSITIVE

(it’ll bother me for days… or weeks… or months)

___________________

staying out of the flow…

(vacation? avoiding the public)

I have to use material from OTHER sources…

like
www.JokeLand.com

THE FATHER SHARK IS TEACHING HIS SON
THE INS-and-OUTS OF HUNTING…
He tells the young shark…
WHEN YOU SEE PEOPLE IN THE WATER,
FIRST CIRCLE AROUND THEM WITH YOU FIN
STICKING OUT OF THE WATER ONLY SLIGHTLY…
THEN CIRCLE AROUND THEM WITH YOUR FIN
OUT OF THE WATER HALF-WAY…
THEN CIRCLE AROUND WITH YOU FIN
ALL THE WAY OUT OF THE WATER…

THEN GO IN FOR YOUR MEAL !

The younger shark asks his dad
why should he do all that circling before eating ?

AND DAD SHARK TELLS HIM…

PEOPLE ARE A LOT TASTIER
WHEN YOU GET THE ‘SHIT’
OUT OF THEM FIRST !


__________________

It just occurred to me…

I’m getting real good at the ‘finger-up-my-ass’ test…
I remember the first time…
For days, I felt like someone reached up my ass
and squeezed all my organs…
THEN THERE WAS THE ‘RUNS’ & GAS THE NEXT DAY !

THIS  TIME ?

Well, I felt a little ‘lube’ in my walk…
(very smooth & slippery)
BUT THAT’S ABOUT IT…

I’M PROBABLY READY FOR THE ADVANCED TEST…

2 or 3 FINGERS !
or the one where the doctor does it
with both of his hands on your shoulders !

__________________

IN OTHER NEWS…

VIRUS  ALERT :  dkill virus


My daughter was ‘caught’ by a NEW virus !
(and the jury is still out if her computer will ‘restore’)

WATCH OUT !

Came up as an official looking update pop-up,
alerting you to the upgrade…
IT’LL SHUT YOU DOWN (except for SAFE MODE) !

CLICKING ‘NO THANKS’ SETS IT OFF,
AS DOES ACCEPTING IT !
You could try ‘x’-ing it out…
SHUT YOUR ‘WIRELESS’ CONNECTION IMMEDIATELY !
BUT BETTER TO ‘HIT’ YOUR POWER BUTTON
(not your usual shut-down)

YOUR ANTI-VIRUS UPDATES WILL PROBABLY
ADDRESS IT ONE DAY SOON…

addendum…
Could not find her out-of-the-box re-do disks…
(I must have them, can’t figure out where)
but LUCKILY, SYSTEM RESTORE TOOK CARE OF IT !

SO FAR !!!

(and the RESTORE wasn’t a quick one, took forever)

_____________________

My physical required a ’sample’…

I got a tiny bit of how it feels to be STING…
(from the Police)

but instead of a…

” MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE “

my message was…

” PISSING IN A BOTTLE “

(it still sings the same way)

They look at you funny if the specimen has a ‘head’ on it,
or you bring it in a super-sized BIG GULP cup !!!

I’m reminded of a MONTY PYTHON bit…

A guy was asked to bring 50 gallons of urine
when he came for his appointment for LIFE INSURANCE.
WHAT TO DO WITH THE PEE?
Throw it out… we just wanted to make sure
you were serious about LIFE INSURANCE !

another funny thing…

When the doctor’s office called to
change my 9am appointment to 8am ?
Off work, I was sleeping till 10 am each day !

IT WAS GOING TO BE HARD ENOUGH
GETTING UP AT  7:30  TO BE THERE FOR 9 !!!

___________________

I THINK I’VE GONE ON TOO LONG…

LET ME LEAVE YOU WITH A LAUGH(?)

WELL… MAYBE !

THE CHURCH ORGANIST…

There was a small church that had a very big-busted Organist.
Her breasts were so huge
that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this
or they would have to get another Organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly
and told her to mash up some green persimmons
and rub them on the nipples of her breasts
and maybe they would shrink in size,
but warned her not to eat any of the green persimmons,
‘because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up
and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while’.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up and said….

‘Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol,
we will not hath a thermon tewday.’

AND DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES WITHIN MY CONTROL…
LET ME GET OUTTA HERE…

HAVE A GOOD HOLIDAY WEEKEND…
(bank holiday for you Brits)

____________________

COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

Opposing opinions are welcome,
but since I’m the only employee of RIP,
you’re wasting your time…

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OCCASION RIP BANNERS
& ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist & resident genius

TISH (PILLBUG)
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