† RIP Renfield #564 – KOWA-BUNGA, DUDE †

***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY,
AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS  IN RIP***

(except for the stuff I make up, lie about,
or receive  mis-information about)

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Don’t be a stranger,   you can contact me  at…
RIPRenfield@aol.com

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† RIP Renfield  #564 – KOWA-BUNGA, DUDE †

August  7, 2010

———————

DAMN…

I WAS HOPING SUMMER WOULD HAVE
LET UP ON US A BIT BY NOW…

IT’S STILL BRUTAL !!!

Days of mid-80’s are NOW the pleasant ones,
not the un-comfortably hot days !

I just read a weather advisory warning…
EVEN FOR US…
an extremely hot, humid, dangerous day !!!

NICE IF YOU CAN STAY INSIDE !
(I can’t)

I start vacation the 16th thru the 30th…
If I can just make it till then… whew !

HOPE YOU’RE IN A POSITION
TO TAKE ‘ADVANTAGE’ OF THE HEAT…
‘CAUSE I’M SURE NOT !!!

(also sorry if the issue runs short… I’m giving you all I got)


________________

a surprise !!!
Look in THIS issue for ANOTHER funny-man !!!
(I made a new friend)

R.I.P

ALLAN SHERMAN



An American comedy writer and television producer
he became famous as a song parodist in the early 1960s.
His first album, My Son, the Folk Singer (1962),
became the fastest-selling record album up to that time.
His biggest hit single was “Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh“,
a comic novelty in which a boy describes his summer camp
experiences to the tune of Ponchielli’s Dance of the Hours
(Ponchielli must be spinning in his grave)


Although known for other things…
Allan will always be known for his
stroke-of-genius parody, novelty song…
HELLO MUDDAH, HELLO FADDUH
(although I’m quite partial to SARAH JOCKMAN)
((sung to Frère Jacques))
HE HAD AN ALBUM’S WORTH OF MEMORABLE ONES !.

Sadly, his health went to hell from a bad lifestyle,
and he died just short of his 49th birthday (1973)


_________________________________

one more thing concerning…

CHARLEY  WRANGEL

I read that President Obama is gently
urging Wrangel to resign (retire)
so as to avoid any hearing or trial
that would most likely be-smirch his character…

HE DID ALOT OF GOOD WORK…
LEAVE WELL, NOT IN SHAME !


UH… IS THAT SLIMY OR WHAT ?

An elected official should answer to a higher standard !
Not weasel out of charges against him (or her).
The charges should follow them into retirement !!!

BREAK THE RULES
BUT AVOID THE CONSEQUENCES
BY RETIRING IN GLORY ?

How about making an example of of him ?

The IRS had no problem making an example
out of MARTHA STEWART !!!

To be fair.. for her?

Large fine, house arrest with an anklet,
probation for a few years….

NO JAIL TIME WAS NECESSARY !

BUT THEY NEEDED TO MAKE AN EXAMPLE OF HER !!!


WELL… MAKE AN EXAMPLE OF WRANGEL

It might keep some other criminal-politicians
(but I repeat myself)
from ‘thieving’ their way thru representing a constituency !

FAVORITISM ?

SPECIAL TREATMENT ?

Eff ‘em !!!

THERE SHOULD BE A HIGHER STANDARD !!!

__________________

THE GROUND-ZERO MOSQUE ?

Seems it’s going to get the go ahead…
and if it is a first amendment issue
(and ’sensitivity’ isn’t a concern)…
BUILT A HALF-MILE AWAY
WOULD IT HAVE CAUSED A STIR ?

I’m planning MY new project…

I want to raise money to buy the real estate
adjacent to the proposed mosque,
and open a store to sell PIG PRODUCTS !

or a restaurant… a franchise…

MEMPHIS PIG OUT

or a NON-Kosher deli with lots of ’smelly’ bacon !



SOUVENEIRS TOO !!!

Little statues, BIG statues, inflatables, T-shirts,
hats, pig noses, balloons, jars of pig blood, stuffed pigs,
pig toys, pig plushies, lucky pig’s feet, etc.


OH… THE PIG IS CONSIDERED UN-CLEAN
AND AN INSULT TO SOME ?

All I’m doing is taking advantage

of a capitalist society & the first amendment !

I’M BEING INSENSITIVE ?

IT GOES BOTH WAYS…

YOU’RE INSENSITIVE, I’M INSENSITIVE…

STALEMATE !!!

Will that be 1 quart of pig’s blood or 2 ?




WILL THE ‘OTHER SIDE’ BE AS UNDERSTANDING,
AND FIRST AMENDMENT LOVING,
AS THEY EXPECT THE REST OF US TO BE ?

____________________

ILLITERACY ?

I once said that I thought the home computer,
and the internet, was the greatest boon
to the fight for literacy !!!

YOU HAD TO READ & WRITE

TO USE YOUR COMPUTER !
(great carrot)

BUT SOMETHING THAT DWARFS THAT ?

TEXTING !!!

Imagine being a teen, and NOT being able to text !
It would be a major handicap…
all the more reason to learn to read & write
even at a basic level…




THE CHEAP CURE IS IN YOUR HAND !!!


TEXTING HAS DONE
WHAT GENERATIONS OF GOV’T MONEY
COULD NOT ACCOMPLISH !!!

____________________

another RIP celebrity…

I wrote to JACKIE (’The Joke Man’) MARTLING

(formerly of the Howard Stern show, I know him from
back in the ‘golden days’, when Stern was relevant).

JACKIE USED TO ‘KILL’ ON THE SHOW !!!

I emailed after a great OPIE & ANTHONY appearance…
I kissed his ass (reverently)… slammed Howard… plugged RIP…
sent him the ‘dream-ass hurt ’ joke from last RIP issue
and got this back from him….

SEEMS LEGIT…

But with a PO box & a non-de-plume, should I really care ?

Subj: hi

Date: 8/5/2010 4:29:00 PM Eastern Daylight Time
From: JokeLand@aol.com
To: Renfield54@aol.com
Sent from the Internet (Details)


e-mail your street address and I’ll send my new CD,

———-


WOW… I’M AN EVEN BIGGER FAN NOW !
(even if he still has an affilation with Imus, er, I mean Stern)

I’VE PURCHASED IN THE PAST, BUT A FREEBIE ?
(it’s almost like a dvd ’screening’ copy from a studio for me)

RIP RENFIELD has ARRIVED !!!

The new CD is called

SNART
(as in ” it’s-an-art)

Not expensive and more than a few jokes
that you’ll be re-telling…
His site is  www.JOKEMAN.com
A really great looking site, a new joke every day,
appearance info, Sirius radio info,
and other assorted JACKIE info…

CHECK IT OUT

I got a lot of mile-age out of a ‘blond’ joke
‘appropriated’ from the site…
a ‘new’ one in my circle of friends…


I TOLD A BLOND SHE HAD A SPOT ON HER CHEEK.
SO SHE STARTS RUBBING HER CHEEK.
I TOLD HER…” NO, THE OTHER SIDE ”
SO INSTEAD OF GOING TO THE OTHER SIDE
OF HER FACE, SHE PUTS A FINGER IN HER MOUTH,
AND RUBS THE ‘OTHER’ SIDE.. THE INSIDE !!!
(it’s a ‘visual’…. try it on someone)

_____________________

THIS MAKES ME FEEL ALOT BETTER ABOUT MYSELF….


The power of accurate observation

is commonly called cynicism

by those who have not got it.

- George Bernard Shaw

____________________

OBAMA’s APPROVAL ?

It was pointed out to me that Obama’s
approval rating is in-the-ballpark
with early Ronald Reagan approval ratings…

MAYBE… BUT REAGAN HAD A LIFETIME
OF EXPERIENCE & ‘CHARM’
TO HELP SMOOTH OUT THE BUMPS…
(something to fall back on)
HE WAS LIKE A WISE GRAND-PA,
NOT A YOUNG, GREEN, WHIPPER-SNAPPER !

I just read that Obama grades himself as an

‘in-complete’

Seems he thinks he’s doing a kick-ass job,
but that no one recognizes him for it…

AMONG HIS ‘ACCOMPLISHMENTS’…

HE’S NOT BUSH
HE STAVED-OFF A WORLD-WIDE DEPRESSION
HE’S NOT BUSH
HE SAVED THE AUTO INDUSTRY
HE’S NOT BUSH
HIS HEALTHCARE BILL
HE’S NOT BUSH
HIS QUICK RESPONSE TO THE BP OIL SPILL…
(er… skip that one… he ‘WAS’ Bush on that one)


I guess if you’re okay with being
un-employed, or under-paid,
and don’t mind our ’slow’ military removal overseas,
and love talk, not action…

He IS doing a kick-ass job !!!

WHY ISN’T ANYONE ELSE

PICKING UP ON IT ?

(was he invited to Chelsea’s wedding?)
((very low-key if he was))


___________________

USUALLY GOING UN-NOTICED BY ME…
it finally sunk in…

SEEMS A CERTAIN BRAND OF TOILET (tissue) PAPER
was touting itself as better (or best)
BECAUSE it didn’t leave ‘little bits’ of paper
stuck to your ass after you wipe it !

I GUESS I WAS UN-KNOWING-LY EXPOSED
TO THE GOOD STUFF MY ENTIRE LIFE !

I WAS TOTALLY UN-AWARE THAT THERE
WAS A PROBLEM IN THIS AREA !!!
I always got away ‘clean’
even after a ‘dry’ wipe !

Actually, after the ‘paper’ wipe,
I’m a big believer in wet ‘baby’ wipes…
It’s probably like a woman ‘douching’…

I COME AWAY FEELING SO ‘FRESH’ !!!


___________________

the genius that is RON BENNINGTON
of the RON & FEZ sirius-xm satellite radio show…
had a great thought (in a throw-away comment)…

Ron had one of the long-time wacky listeners
in as a guest for a short visit…
and, in a conversation about THE NAKED COWBOY,
and his legal battle with THE NAKED COWGIRL,
started mentioning OTHER street performers
that she runs into and really enjoys…

RON suggested her asking her ‘favorite’ ones
if they’d like to get international radio exposure
by appearing on the show…

and adding….

Instead of STAR SEARCH,

it could be STREET SEARCH !!!

(and not for ‘googling’ individual streets)


WHAT A BRILLIANT IDEA FOR A TV SHOW !!!
DO THE WHOLE 3 JUDGE PANEL THING !

I’d line-up the ‘talent’ way before
announcing the creation of the show…
and keep off the phonies… 2 years on the street minimum…
AND I THINK YOU’D GET A BETTER SHOW
THAN THE ORIGINAL STAR SEARCH !
(although they’d probably ‘own’ the name
and would have to be involved in the show)

GOOD ONE RON !!!
(unless of course, I’m just ignorant of the fact
that this idea was already used, or soon to be, on tv)


__________________



OLD can be ANNOYING…

With all the talk of BETTY WHITE these days,
the darling of the media (tv especially),
and all the EXTRA attention seemingly brought
to the forefront because she is OLD !
(with a capital ‘O’)

I’ve always thought BETTY a talent,
and she’s been around MY whole life…
so she isn’t really among the
ESPECIALLY ANNOYING ‘QUEENS of OLD’
that gets ‘appointed’ for most every generation…

BUT JUST OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD…
I CAN THINK OF A FEW MORE
THAT HELD THE ‘DARLING’ POSITION
MAINLY BECAUSE OF AGE…
(and they friggin’ appeared EVERYWHERE)

Actresses I used to like (sometimes)
became annoying old ladies
you couldn’t get away from…

THEY’D TAKE EVERY TV APPEARANCE
THEY COULD GET, NO MATTER WHAT !


NANCY WALKER
(give it a break)

RUTH GORDON
(born old)

DORIS ROBERTS
(real light-weight given ‘old’ respectability)

and now

BETTY WHITE




Probably more, and obvious ones, I missed…
but there is usually only one QUEEN,
who out-lived the rest of the field & is still ready to work,
who becomes the ONE to focus on !

IS IT A PUBLIC DEMAND ?
or
IS THE MEDIA SHOVING THEM DOWN OUR THROATS ?


Like I said… they become annoying…
like when a ‘hit’ song gets played-to-death
until you can’t stand it anymore !

(ie… ‘girls just want to have fun’ that ENTIRE summer)


____________________

IT WAS BASIL RATHBONE DAY ON

AMERICAN MOVIE CLASSICS…

I got caught up in
THE LAST DAYS OF POMPEI
where he played Pontius Pilate
(a pretty minor role actually)

The story centers on a gentle blacksmith
who turns into a corrupt gladiator,
and later a gatherer-seller of slaves…
After his young son’s life-threatening injuries…
He goes to a ‘healer’ making the rounds…
(who is later to be condemned by Pilate & crucified)
who cures his son with a miracle…
Then it goes on & on till the eruption
of Mount Vesuvius that destroys Pompei…
(sounds like a poor-man’s Ben Hur)

I WAS AMAZED THAT I WAS NEVER TAUGHT,
OR FOUND OUT ON MY OWN,
THAT THE DEATH OF CHRIST
AND ERUPTION OF VESUVIUS
HAPPENED SO CLOSE TOGETHER !

I looked it up… they didn’t… poetic license?
I guess accuracy didn’t matter in 1935.

MOUNT VESUVIUS ERUPTED IN 79 AD
(for 2 days)

_____________________

get into…

RENFIELD’S  KITCHEN…

I don’t often bake brownies…
(from a mix of course)

and, I personally, like them warm-to-hot,
right out of the oven…
and more goo-ey than ‘cakey’…
In the past, I’ve been able to do this
with the introduction of chocolate chips to the batter,
and have often blamed ‘cakey’ brownies on the mix !

BUT I THINK I STUMBLED ON THE SECRET !!!

Seems no matter how well you follow baking instructions,
the ‘edges’ of the brownies cook first,
and ‘dry out’ by the time the middle is done,
cooking from the outside, in (to the center).

I accidentally used a clear, glass pan
just a little too deep.
(probably imposssible to bake correctly)
Checking on their progress after 25 minutes
(in a pre-heated 350 degree oven),
I saw, as expected, the ‘outside’ was looking done,
while the middle was MORE liquid than usual…

WHAT TO DO ?

I took a spoon and stirred the ‘done’ edges
into the middle, and repeated this
every 5 minutes until baked to MY satisfaction !
The appearance was not that of ‘normal’ brownies…
but more of a ’scoop-able’, looser, moist cake consistency,
and the consistency was the same from end-to-end !
(to be eaten with a spoon, not a fork)

THE END RESULT ?

DELICIOUS !!!

As moist (and fully cooked) brownie
the likes of which I never tasted before !
If I had the patience and let it cool a bit…
an ice cream topper would have been perfect !

___________________

I’ve been complaining about a

SLOW COMPUTER ?
(nothing I did to screw it up)

I got around most of the problem by
dis-abling my NORTON Anti-virus on shut-down,
and enabling it after booting up…
(sometimes I’m back to normal, other times not)
Once running for 6 or 7 minutes(max) no problem at all.

I GOOGLED another program name
that popped up on shutdown…
‘nsAPPShell:eventwindow’

and if I’m interpreting all the OTHER complaints correctly,
it’s a ‘problem’ with my firefox browser…
one of the updates… but it also sounds like
INTERNET EXPLORER updates are at cross-purposes
and ’sabotaging’ the competition !!!

ONE DAY BUSINESS AS USUAL,
THEN A CONTINUE-ING PROBLEM OUT OF NOWHERE !
The ‘googles’ sounded like a reasonable explanation
for problems emanating from a-hole companies !

THE BASTARDS !!!


__________________

OKAY…

THAT WASN’T TOO PAINFUL…

As cub reporter ‘SCOOP’ Renfield
used to say…

” Let’s put this issue to bed “

SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA…
(ahh… a real bed)

I’m not sure if me being off work for 2 weeks
is going to result in better items
or a struggle with fewer items…

On the one hand…
I have more time to dedicate to RIP.
on the other hand…
Getting out less, I have less to ‘bounce’ off !!!

Time will tell…
and if I have something to say…

RENFIELD WILL TELL !!!

I guess we’ll see in another week or so…

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO NUDITY IN RIP ?

I have to straighten myself out on that ‘crowd-pleaser’
before people STOP crossing the street to avoid me !!!

____________________

COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

Opposing opinions are welcome,
but since I’m the only employee of RIP,
you’re wasting your time…

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OCCASION RIP BANNERS
& ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist & resident genius

TISH (PILLBUG)
——————————

>>>>>TELL YOUR FRIENDS<<<<<

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