† RIP Renfield #556 – SPRING FEVER †

***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY,
AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS  IN RIP***

(except for the stuff I make up, lie about,
or receive  mis-information about)

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Don’t be a stranger,   you can contact me  at…
RIPRenfield@aol.com

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† RIP Renfield  #556 – (never too late) SPRING FEVER †

June 12, 2010

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Say good-bye to Hollywood,

say good-bye to SPRING !!!

Interesting year so far…

both me and the world are falling apart !
But at least there’s still RIP Renfield !!!

and it’s never too late for the ‘fever’…
SPRING or NOT !!!

__________________

AN EXAMPLE OF A FAMOUS PERSON
WHO HAD THE ‘FEVER’…

R.I.P

Mary Todd Lincoln



She was the wife of the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln,
and was First Lady of the United States from 1861 to 1865.

AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN…
During Lincoln’s prairie years as an Illinois circuit lawyer,
Mary Lincoln was left on her own to raise their children & run the household.
Mary Lincoln was a close political partner to her husband
and socially supported him & served as an advisor to him in political dealings.

During her tenure at the White House, she often visited hospitals
around Washington where she gave flowers & fruit to wounded soldiers,
and helped with their correspondence. From time to time,
she accompanied Lincoln on military visits to the field.
Her White House duties included many social functions.

SHE HAD SOME REAL ‘NUTTY’ YEARS AS SHE GOT OLDER…
There’s probably a name for it now…
but it led to her son having her ‘committed’,
and her later ‘un-committing’ herself !

The former First Lady’s final years were marked by declining health.
She died on July 16, 1882, age 63, and was interred within the
Lincoln Tomb in Springfield alongside her husband.

SHE HAD, at one point, SUFFERED FROM THE ‘FEVER’…

But not SPRING FEVER !

This fever received various names,
such as gastric fever, abdominal typhus,
infantile remittant fever, slow fever,
nervous fever, pythogenic fever, etc.
The name of ” typhoid ” was given by Louis in 1829,
as a derivative from typhus.

(NICE… notice how I did the ’spring fever’ tie-in?)


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AFTER MY TOILET HANDLE JOKE

IN THE LAST ISSUE…

” Pull the Handle “

I was chastised for not using
something I’m more famous for…

” PULL MY FINGER !!! “

Psst.. believe me…

You’ll get more results with MY finger,
than you will PULLING A (slot machine) HANDLE !!!

____________________

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather
because
it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
– Unknown

___________________________

I mentioned available ‘cleavage’ recently?

LET ME EXPAND ON THAT…

I KNOW the weather is warming up.
I KNOW women like to show their boobs for attention.
(it draws attention away from ‘flaws’)

MY POINT WAS…
NOT that BOOBS aren’t out there…
But that the are being ’served’ to me on a platter
that was never available to me before !!!
NOT IN SUCH A SHORT TIME PERIOD ANYWAY !



I had a 3rd occurence in less than 24 hours
of a young woman (not all that young),
with a scooped neckline, creamy, firm skin…
in a lower position than me,
all of them having the need to lean & bend WAY over,
several times, for long periods of time
(long enough that I looked more than casually),
showing off ‘C’ to large ‘C’ boobs,
I saw the ‘hang’ of them, the ‘globes’ of them…
very little left to the imagination…
and had a really good time looking !
(I never got caught, or embarassed the women or myself)

WHETHER IT MEANS ‘NOTHING’ TO THEM,
OR I’M BEING ‘TEASED’… IT’S OKAY WITH ME !
I’m pretty sure they’re not ‘coming-on’ to me…
(actually, I’m certain)


THE FUNNY THING?
Although it was great oogling the ‘forbidden fruit’…
WHAT THE HELL WOULD I DO WITH THEM
AFTER THE FIRST 10 MINUTES
IF I EVER GOT MY HANDS (or whatever) ON THEM ?

LOOKING, ADMIRING, LEERING, & LUSTING
IS DEFINITELY MORE ENJOYABLE THAN ‘OWNING’ !!!
(of course is one of them wanted to ‘throw-me-a-bone’, well?)

NOT FOR NUTHIN’…

But I just had a vision in my head,
of a sight at a swimming pool I find extremely sexy…
when the woman swims up to the side of the pool,
draws herself up to the edge (remaining in the water),
and uses the edge of the pool as a shelf for her boobs !
(hanging by her hands, head up, doesn’t work at all)


THESE EXPOSED BOOBS REALLY GOT ME FIRED UP,

MUST BE SPRING FEVER !!!
(even watching on-line porn is firing me up… uh..I only watch for the girls)


__________________

I’m almost done with a project…
been working on it a long time…

I’M GOING TO BE A SPERM DONOR !

The gallon jug is almost full,

I just need to find out where to drop it off !!!

DAMN…

I have to start over…

I ALWAYS TELL HER…

” FROM THE ‘TAP’… FROM THE ‘TAP’ !!! ”



(Okay girls… all at once…”ewwwwwww”)

_____________________

SOMETHING (else?) FOR THE ALCOHOLICS…

I had just ordered my fathers day
DOCTOR WHO SONIC SCREWDRIVER
(a useful tool of his… there’s a new one this season, I already have others)

and the thought occurred to me…
IS THERE AN ALCOHOLIC DRINK CALLED
A ‘SONIC SCREWDRVER’ ?
(if there wasn’t, there should be!)


History

The earliest written reference to the Screwdriver
is from the October 24, 1949 issue of Time Magazine:

“In the dimly lighted bar of the sleek Park Hotel,
Turkish intelligence agents mingle with American engineers
and Balkan refugees, drinking the latest Yankee concoction
of vodka and orange juice, called a ’screwdriver.’”

The drink got its name because the American engineers
surreptitiously added vodka to small cans of orange juice
and stirred the mixture with their screwdrivers.

VARIATIONS ON A THEME ?


The ‘poor man’s screwdriver’ is one part vodka,
and two parts orange drink mix, such as Gatorade.

Replacing the flat orange juice with a carbonated orange drink
such as Orangina produces a cocktail known as a Hi-Fi.

A Screwdriver in which Tang is substituted for the orange juice
is known as a “fuzzy cosmonaut” or a “Tang banger”.

To make the beverage more palatable a sweet liquor is often added
such as Amaretto. This is often referred to as a Samerreto.

The well known Harvey Wallbanger cocktail is a Screwdriver
with a splash of Galliano floated on top.
In some cases, sloe gin is added as part of the drink.
It is referred to as a “sloe screw,” or if in a tall glass, a “long sloe screw”,
used as a pun on sexual intercourse.
Adding Southern Comfort to this creates a “sloe comfortable screw“,
and Galliano (as in the Wallbanger) a “sloe screw against the wall”.

Vodka, Peach Schnapps, and Orange Juice is a Fuzzy Screw.

Replacing the orange juice with apple juice is known as the Anita Bryant,
in reference to the boycott against the
Florida Citrus Commission that started in 1978.

Vodka and prune juice make a piledriver.

FINALLY !!!
A mix of vodka with blue Jones Soda is referred to as a Sonic Screwdriver,
a favourite tool of The Doctor in the hit UK series Doctor Who



(the newest doctor #11 version)

I’LL DRINK TO THAT !!!

(not from the milk jug though)

( www.thinkgeek.com $25.99 plus  shipping, $5 off with coupon code)

THE SCREWS ON THE BATTER COMPARTMENT ARE INSANE TO REMOVE !
AND THE COMPARTMENT IS ON A ‘MOVING PART’…
The wrong ‘eyeglass’ screwdriver stripped one screw beyond help !
The replacement will stay in the box on a shelf, just in case.

I’ve been known to travel with MY sonic screwdriver,
I keep it handy and use it quite often…
but watch out for airport security…
the ‘newest’ Doctor Who was detained by airport
security when his real (not plastic) screwdriver
was spotted during a body scan !!!
(set-up publicity story?  perhaps… I’m a cynic)

_______________________

WHY DOES GOD TAUNT ME ?

(probably doesn’t watch reality tv either)
((and uses me for amusement))

(IT’S OKAY TO ‘TAUNT ME’ WITH EXPOSED BOOB-AGE)

I noticed our refrigerator a bit warm on saturday nite.
Mentioned it to my wife… sunday morning?
IT WAS NOT ‘CHILLING’ AT ALL !!!
A year ago… unplugging it for the day,
got it going till now (another whole year) !
So why not try it again ?
Lacking a day of patience, my wife ‘re-booted’ it
after 5 or 6 hours.. and it SEEMED to be cooling…
BUT WAY WARM THE NEXT MORNING !
So we tried the ‘un-plugged’ for 24 hours…

R.I.P.  -  IT WAS DEAD !

So my wife goes out and buys a new one…
to be delivered the next afternoon…

With our frozen stuff in the basement freezer…
(lucky I got rid of the body parts last winter)
and the refrigerated stuff in the garbage or an ice chest…

WE WERE READY !!!

FINE.. NO PROBLEM.. EXCEPT FOR THE EXPENSE…
(when did refrigerators get so expensive?)
Figuring we got 10-12 years use out of it..
we didn’t feel especially cheated…

SO IN STEPS GOD !!!

My wife, for some reason, left the broken refrigerator plugged-in…
I get up for work the next morning…
and she greets me with…
” THE REFRIGERATOR IS WORKING PERFECTLY NOW ! ”
(butter is hard, not soupy)

(good one, God)

Had she (or I) left it unplugged … we could assume it dead…

DEAD, DEAD, DEAD !!!

But now? Would it last another year? or 10?
or was this just a last gasp at life…
TAUNTING ME FURTHER
ready to ‘die’ again if I cancel the order !!!

SO I HAVE THE ANNOYANCE OF ALWAYS WONDERING
IF WE DISPOSED OF A WORKING APPLIANCE
THAT JUST HICCUP-ED, NOT DIED !
(luckily? I’m being ‘forced’ to work overtime this weekend,
and it’ll help pay a portion of the $900 for a basic fridge)

THANKS GOD !!!

(if YOU must, just hit me with the refrigerator jokes,

use someone else for the diseases)


_________________________



http://forgottenhits60s.blogspot.com/

GO TAKE A LOOK AT FORGOTTEN HITS…
(They’re not fussy… I’m even allowed to post with the BIG SHOTS!)

I GOT TOP ITEM AGAIN FOR SUBMITTING A SCAN
OF A NEWSPAPER STORY ABOUT THE
‘HAPPY TOGETHER’ TOUR
AND THE REST OF THE GROUP ‘RUNNING-WITH-IT’

__________________________

I KNOW I’M ASKING FOR TROUBLE HERE…

(re) OPENING A CAN-OF-WORMS…
and (re) starting the age-old argument…

WHICH WAS THE BETTER ?

GIDGET GOES HAWAIIAN ?

or

GIDGET GOES TO ROME ?

(moon-doggie was in both of them, different gidgets though)


As everyone knows…

On the surface… shooting on location in Rome,
with a backdrop of tourist sites & the fashion industry
would seem to ‘nail’ this one as the better of the 2…
the movie ‘driven’ by teens away from home…

The Hawaiian movie was probably shot in Los Angeles…
(done on the cheap)
Plenty of hotel shots, and beaches are beaches…
But boasts a better ‘parental cast’
(including carl reiner & peggy cass),
some scandalous subject matter…
and some ‘campy’, over-the-top performances…

AND SOMEHOW NO ONE EVER GETS LAID !!!
(in any of the movies)

I CAN MAKE AN ARGUMENT FOR BOTH OF THEM…
(also for the first one in the franchise, the original GIDGET)

AND ALL 3 GIDGETS

WERE PLAYED BY DIFFERENT ACTRESSES !
(sandra dee, cindy carol, deborah walley)

and I have a soft-spot in my heart for

GIDGET GETS MARRIED

A horrible movie but it stars MONIE ELLIS as Gidget!!!
(mona freeman’s daughter)
((the wise-acre sister in Dear Ruth, Dear Wife, & Dear Brat))

CHECK OUT ALL THE GIDGETS…

TOO HARD TO CALL FOR ME…

YOU’LL HAVE TO DECIDE FOR YOURSELF !

BUT.. if ONLY going by ‘bang-a-bility’…

I’d have to say GIDGET GOES HAWAIIAN !!!
(deborah walley)

(of course, karen valentine in her prime would be the choice,
but her sucky Gidget movie wasn’t under consideration)

KAWA-BUNGA…

‘GIDGE’ IS THE GINCHY-EST !!!


________________________

When I struggle for material,
I sometimes just go thru news items…
here’s another accusatory cop story…

Witnesses:

Police Chase Led To Fatal Crash On L.I.

Was a high-speed chase by police in Nassau County to blame
for a horrific crash that led to deaths by three people?

The almost unrecognizable remains of the two mangled cars
in the high-speed, head-on collision were removed  after the fatal crash.
Two of the victims  were being chased by police
when they slammed into a jeep going in the opposite direction.

“The car came by, probably doing 100, with like six cars behind it,
and crashed down there into a jeep,” a witness said. “It was out of nowhere.
You hear sirens, sirens, sirens, you see it coming flying by,
then all of a sudden you hear a bang and just car parts everywhere.”
The driver of the car not being chased by police was also killed.

THE HEADLINE LEADS YOU TO BELIEVE
THE COP CHASING THEM WERE TO BLAME,
and not the a-hole criminals that hit-the-gas & didn’t’ pull-over !
Is the message… HIT THE GAS AND GO FREE ?
There is STILL the danger to life & property,
whether the cops are chasing or not

THERE IS A PROBLEM HERE…
The police DO endanger innocents in these chases…
so to avoid high-speed chases…
MY SUGGESTION ?
Put the word out anywhere & everywhere…
When they can do so safely, the police should be
empowered to shoot at ANY vehicle
that attempts to out-run them, and by that action,
endanger pedestrians or others on the road !

THE RED LIGHT COMES ON,
YOU PULL OVER,
NO EXCEPTIONS !
(people will figure out quickly to pull-over)

It’ll be YOUR choice !!!

IF THEY HAD LIVED ?
Prosecute them for the murder of the 3rd driver !


__________________

the headline angers you…

Police Fatally Shoot NJ Man At His Home

The implication is that the cops are a-holes !
but if you read the story…

A southern New Jersey man accused of domestic violence
was fatally shot by police after he pointed
what appeared to be a gun at an officer.

AND THE REST-OF-THE-STORY…

But the Ocean County Prosecutor said
the weapon was actually an imitation.


WHAT THE HELL IS THE COP SUPPOSED TO DO ?
WAIT FOR THE JERK TO PULL THE TRIGGER ?
If he made a gun with his fingers.. and ‘drew’ quickly,
the split-second decision is life-or-death for the officer.

I’m sure there’ll be a wrongful death accusation
with the help of some ‘ambulance chaser’ !

ADDENDUM…
Mom’s don’t really want ‘toy guns’ around their kids…
the BIG stores don’t even carry them anymore…
Personally, for that reason alone, I’d have to think
the gun was real more times than not !


____________________

more LAW & ORDER…

AN ALTERNATE PLAN

FOR SECURING THE USA BORDER ?

Hire ’special’ border guards…
put them on the Mexican side…

NOT ONLY WILL IT KEEP THE MEXICANS AT HOME,

THEY’LL BE FIGHTING AGAINST THE LEGAL AMERICANS
TRYING TO GET IN TO MEXICO !!!

ADDENDUM…
If everyone is so upset about Arizona’s handling of the Mexican border,
concerning the $10 billion it costs them for servicing the ILLEGALS,
cut them a check for the $10 billion and call them off !

PROBLEM SOLVED !!!
(let the big mouths pay the freight with dollars instead of words)

__________________________

With the bad week I had,

it’s amazing I did such a good job on  RIP…
(psst… most was written last week.. better days)

I HAD THE ‘FEVER’… AND YOU ?
Well they promised you
Now you’ve seen the truth
This is the last time
This is the last time
This is the last time
And everyone’s got the fever

One thing that ‘perked’ me up ?

Law & Order: CI was doing a ‘vampire’ episode…
and about 6 months ago, I wrote to (snail mail)
creator DICK WOLF offering the use of the
‘GARY RENFIELD’ name for a show character…
Short, sweet, mentioned ‘vampires’…
thought if it got past his secretaries, it might amuse him.

AND HOW DO YOU DO A VAMPIRE THEMED SHOW,
WITHOUT USING THE NAME RENFIELD..?
(and perhaps a ‘GARY’ character thrown in)

WELL.. THEY FIGURED IT OUT… (ME OUT !)
They went with a TWILIGHT-type theme
completely avoiding the ‘classic’ vampire story !


OH WELL…

DICK WOLF MAY HAVE LAW & ORDER,
BUT I HAVE RIP Renfield !!!

(so put that in yer pipe!)

CLOSING THE LID FOR THIS WEEK…

THIS ISSUE ENDS

____________________

COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

Opposing opinions are welcome,
but since I’m the only employee of RIP,
you’re wasting your time…

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OCCASION RIP BANNERS
& ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist & resident genius
TISH (PILLBUG)
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