† RIP Renfield #555 – PULL THE HANDLE †

***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY,
AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS  IN RIP***

(except for the stuff I make up, lie about,
or receive  mis-information about)

+++++++++++++++++++

Don’t be a stranger,   you can contact me  at…
RIPRenfield@aol.com

**********************

† RIP Renfield  #555 – PULL the HANDLE †

June 5, 2010

———————

555

Three 5’s ?

That has to be lucky in some culture !

Plenty lucky if you get 3 of anything

on a one-armed-bandit !!!

(but as Chet Baker sang… “but not for me”)

THE ONLY HANDLE I PULL

THAT GETS RESULTS

IS ON THE TOILET !!!

———–

Because of my heel-leg strain problems,

I let the lawn ‘go’ an extra week…

got out there holiday sunday morning,

and you know what ?

Usually not a ‘real’ chore…

MOWING WAS ‘NOT’ FUN AT ALL !!!

TOOK ME HOURS… IN THE HEAT…

(and I have some finishing touches for tomorrow)

IF THAT ‘555′ JACKPOT EVER COMES IN…

I’LL NEVER HAVE TO CUT GRASS AGAIN !!!

I can pay my wife to do it !

____________________

I RAN LATE PUBLISHING THIS ISSUE…

SO ?

Hey… it was excessively hot all week,
I broke my new toy and had to repack it
to send (hopefully) for a replacement
(read more under… ’sonic screwdriver’ below)
and I was kinda in a hurry…
some family stuff came up…
and I had to get up early on Saturday for work
and just wanted to get to bed
and escape to my dreams… (which I did)

SO GET OFF MY BACK !!!
You’re not my mother,
and your ears aren’t ‘pointed’ !!!
(I love that phrase from an angry crewman on Star Trek)

EDGY ?

THE HEAT WILL GET TO YOU !!!

You walk around all day like you have
’sand in your vagina’
(Cartman accuses Stan of that on South Park)

SO GET READY FOR AN ‘ANGRY’ ISSUE !!!

I’ll be my usual charming, witty self again soon…

HOPEFULLY, NEXT WEEK !!!

____________________

R.I.P

Ronnie James Dio

American heavy metal singer Ronnie James Dio

Dio’s wife Wendy posted a loving tribute to her husband :

“Today my heart is broken.”

Rated one of rock’s most powerful vocalists,
he rose to fame in the mid-1970s as lead singer of Rainbow,
before replacing Osbourne in Black Sabbath in 1980.
Later that year the band released their 9th studio album,
Heaven And Hell,
considered by many fans as
one of the greatest heavy rock LPs of all time.
Dio’s solo hits included Rainbow In The Dark,
The Last In Line, and Holy Diver.

___________________________________

WHO SHOULD BE IN CHARGE ?

The people we elect can fall mainly
in the following categories…

LEADERS
(may or may not include ’statesmen’)
A person who can instinctively make good choices,
quickly, from information provided…
or by the seat of their pants !
AT LEAST THEY HAVE A PLAN
THAT DIDN’T COME FROM A FOCUS GROUP !
(good plan or bad plan is better than NO plan)

SPEECH-GIVERS
(many ’statesmen’ fall into this category
but it doesn’t necessarily make you one)
Mario Cuomo comes to mind…
his well touted speech at the Dem.National Convention?
I don’t give a rat’s ass about speeches…
(so you can ‘act’)
If I’m interested I’ll read the one paragraph summation
in the newpaper the next day…
LESS TALK, MORE ACTION !

ADMINISTRATORS
They can handle the day-to-day very well
(hopefully)
but they lack backbone, leadership qualitites,
and not good at independant thought….

and finally..

POLITICIANS
The job is about them, not their constituents !
They respond to the public (but not right away)
but mostly only so far as their own image is concerned…
and try to stay under-the-radar with ’safe’ positions…
and make their elected, or appointed, office a lifelong career !

FOR ME ?

IF I STARTED LISTING NAMES,
MY CHART WOULD BE PRETTY BOTTOM HEAVY…
EVERYBODY SEEMS TO ‘COAST’,
AND HOPE THE SHIT DOESN’T HIT THE FAN
UNTIL THEY ARE OUT OF THE LINE-OF-FIRE !


ie… former NJ GOV. CHRISTIE WHITMAN
was put in charge of the EPA
(enviromental protection agency)
WHY?  WHAT WAS HER QUALIFICATION ?
(a political reward? a nothing job that looks good on a resume?)
MANY OTHERS CAME & WENT, UN-NOTICED IN THAT JOB…
but her in charge telling those 911 air quality ‘lies’
at ground zero will haunt her ‘legacy’ forever !
A LEADER WAS NOT THOUGHT NECESSARY,
AN ADMINISTRATOR SHOULD HAVE BEEN FINE !

OH WELL !!!

It’s a career, a paycheck…

they shouldn’t try to fool themselves

and call it ‘PUBLIC SERVICE’ !!!


________________________

If BP can’t plug up the oil well leak

it might be time for
either the outer-space aliens,
or the under-the-sea aliens,
to reveal themselves (or not)
and just use THEIR technology
to plug up the damn leak !!!


BY THE WAY…
I mentioned looking outside the USA for a solution?
(and not hearing of us taking any offers)

Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez would love to ‘fix it’
and show the USA to be impotent…
THESE MAY BE NECESSARY TIMES !

BUT I ALSO READ THAT THERE IS A TEAM OF EXPERTS
ASSEMBLED IN THE UNITED ARAB EMIRATES
READY TO GET THEIR ASSES OVER HERE
AS SOON AS BP or THE USA ASKS FOR THEIR INPUT !

I THINK IT’S TIME… ASK THEM !

If you want to ask me ?

I heard that they tried to plug up the well
with mud, shredded rubber tires, golf balls, etc…
SO THEY CAN INSERT THINGS IN THE PIPE !
How about putting a shaped ‘plug’ in the hole.
One that spreads (explosively if need be)
from the back end of it…
SO IT GOES IN, BUT CAN’T BE FORCED BACK OUT ?
AS THE OIL PRESSUURE PUSHES THE PLUG OUT,
THE BACK END DIGS INTO THE SIDES HARDER !
(like how an elevator won’t fall if you cut the cable)

ACTUALLY…
Why not insert an explosive to collapse the well ?

“You can’t ‘nuke it’ man.. radiation and all !”
Uh.. whatever happened to conventional explosives ?

_____________________

AND  YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT BAD ?

Queen Elizabeth is barely scraping by
with the 7.9 million pounds she gets from the taxpayers !
She’s running about 7 million pounds OVER her annual allowance !
(an emergency fund covers the excess till 2012)

IT’S A BAD TIME TO ASK FOR MORE…
(some want full disclosure of her finances)
BUT WHEN IS IT EVER A GOOD TIME ?

SUGGESTIONS ?
Follow Sarah’s lead and sell access to your son.
(wink, wink)
OR THERE’S ALWAYS REALITY TV…
She can get a good price for a dis-used tiara on PAWN STARS.
Simon’s judge’s seat is open.
Dancing with the Queen?
The Royal Family Has Talent ?
Jersey Shore at Buckingham Palace ?
Liz & Phillip plus 8 ?
Are YOU smarter than a Royal ?


They should try those energy saving bulbs in the castle,
or put solar collectors on the roof !

_____________________




more movie ‘last lines’…

from Javagirl

Fave last line : Usual Suspects

Greatest trick the devil ever pulled,
was convincing the world he didn’t exist.
and like that *poof* he was gone.

_____________________



I wasn’t going to RIP tribute GARY COLEMAN
(arnold from different strokes)

but thought, since I’m in the ‘business,

should, at least, mention him…

After childhood stardom,
Coleman seemed more in tune with
a troubled life fueled by an anger…

but… like us all… he should…

REST-in-PEACE



Sorry for the pic, but I caught him on a bad day
and he wouldn’t stand on the chair for me !


______________________

SUGGESTION TO TV EXECS…

COULD YOU STAGGER THE BROADCAST
OF COP SHOW SEASON FINALES?
(spread ‘em out a little, so as to not piss-off viewers)

Since EVERY show uses the same cliched
MASTER CRIMINAL ala PROFESSOR MORIARTY
in a season ending cliff-hanger…
WHO ALMOST NEVER GETS CAUGHT
(unless THEY feel the well has run dry)
AND HAUNTS THE PROTAGONIST
AS CLEVER TO THE POINT OF BEING
THE EQUAL OR BETTER OF THE PURSUE-ERS !!!

I watched one such and was disappointed…
the 2nd show cliff-hanger was almost un-bear-able…
the 3rd? and I made my move…
Fast-forwarding wasn’t enough…

I just turn them off !!!

BORING !!!

Seems the move is…
if someone else comes up with the ‘original’ idea…
and you’re too lazy to come up with your own…
FLOOD the tv screen with ‘clones’
until even the original looks like a ‘tired’ copy !!!

THE BASTARDS !!!

JUST GO WITH WHAT MADE YOUR SUCCESS !!!
The bells-and-whistles make for a suck-y show !

I’m looking forward to the original ’summer’ series’…
replacing the oft-re-run nonsense played all year…
Like ROYAL PAINS & BURN NOTICE


____________________

FUNERAL  PARLOR  FUN…

In addition to leaving a remembrace note on a website,
how about voice-mail ?
Put an active cell phone in the pocket of the dead person,
put the phone number on the side of the coffin…
then the mourners can call or text their condolences…
CALL ?  IT SHOULD GO TO VOICE MAIL…   (I hope)

IF THE DEAD PERSON HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR
(I’ve heard of prepared notes being mailed after death)
AND THE END IS NEAR…
THEY COULD EVEN PUT A ‘VOICE-MAIL-MESSAGE’
ON THE CELL PHONE…

HI.. I CAN’T TAKE YOUR CALL RIGHT NOW…

I’M DEAD !

LEAVE YOUR CONDOLENCES
AT THE SOUND OF THE BEEP…
HAVE A NICE DAY !


It would be nice if the messages could be retrieved
and saved for the family…
(web cam is a bit much)

Personally, I’m expecting ALOT of RIP Renfield merchandise
at any services for me…
(SHIRTS, TOTES, PATCHES.. and grafitti on the coffin)


________________________

MORE on the BP  OIL  LEAK…

If not ‘fix-able’… they aren’t able to say
that the un-controlled flow of oil won’t last your lifetime !

BUT CAN YOU SAY…
The lack of urgency and passion
over the situation makes the statement that
this is ONLY a minor source of oil.
There must be plenty around
and no chance of an oil shortage anytime soon !

POLLUTION ?
I can’t recall hearing anything about the ocean’s
saturation point… the point where the ocean will be
un-able to dissipate the oil !  It must be centuries away !
So how can ‘damaging’ ocean pollution be done by man?
A tanker full of oil per minute is spilling into the sea…
(it’s been over 46 days)
IF THIS ISN’T CONSIDERED POLLUTION TO THE POINT OF
NO RETURN… HOW COULD MAN’S TINY CONTRIBUTION
LEAD TO ANY SIGNIFICANT PROBLEM ?

Enviromentalist ‘bibles’ are being re-written !


SPEAKING OF URGENCY & PASSION…
When Spike Lee is criticizing the WHITE HOUSE,
you KNOW there’s a problem at the top !
THERE’S furious, AND THEN THERE’S FURIOUS !
(BUT DIDN’T PAUL McCARTNEY LOOK GREAT)

THE UN-EMPLOYMENT PROBLEM ?
GET TO WORK…
Gonna be lots of jobs cleaning up the mess !!!

are we doomed ?
I heard a passage about the end in
THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS
that referred to the
EARTH BLEEDING INTO THE SEAS !

NO athiests in fox-holes or after an oil hurricane
when the skies start to burn !



WHERE IS PRESIDENT MORGAN FREEMAN
WHEN YOU NEED HIM ? FIND HIM !!!

Put in a call to BRUCE WILLIS
while you’re at it !!!

___________________

COLLUSION ?

Eff the bastards !!!

EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOUR TV SHOW
GOES TO COMMERCIAL AND YOU CHANNEL SURF…
Most of the other ‘commercial’ channels are doing the same !
(many times the same commercial is on multiple channels)

IT’S MOST NOTICE-ABLE ON NETWORK SHOWS…
and I understand why they do it…
call it a ’stale-mate’… they all win or they all lose
when you start to channel surf !

AND THEY SLOWLY PHASE-IN
CONTENT CONTROL ON NEWER TECHNOLOGY…
and as soon as you-can’t-live-without-it ?
and it’s replaced the simpler, non-controlling tech?

IT’S THE ONLY GAME IN TOWN !!!


EFF THE BASTARDS ?

I was smart(?) enough to buy a few
very high end, very in-expensive VCR’s
towards the end of their run (dvr’s took over)…
and there ain’t nothin’ they can ‘gimmick’
to prevent me from skipping, and totally ignoring,
the commercials on any show I tape !
AND I’M MOST LIKELY TO TAPE FOR LATER VIEWING !
(and with so little to choose from in the way of programming,
who needs a TIVO to watch out for more shows I WON’T watch?)

The vcr’s work great for MY regular shows,
and to catch the end of my bedtime shows…
I have no intention of replacing them anytime soon.


________________________

http://forgottenhits60s.blogspot.com/

GO TAKE A LOOK AT FORGOTTEN HITS…
(They’re not fussy… I’m even allowed to post with the BIG SHOTS!)

LIKE THE FOLLOWING:

We received a few responses to our
Rick Nelson / Garden Party piece the other day …
here’s what some of you have had to say:


re: RICK NELSON / GARDEN PARTY:
>>>When Rick took the stage with his Stone Canyon Band,
people didn’t recognize him because he had looooong hair
and looked nothing like the little Ricky that they remembered from the TV show.
(Wild Bill Cody)


Sort of … but the way I remember it, it wasn’t the long hair …
it was showing up at an oldies show and not getting into the spirit of it.
Sha Na Na, around the same time, started doing shows at colleges with
the students all ‘greasing up’ and rediscovering the ‘old days’ and the ‘old’ music …
For Rick, mostly old songs with a few newer ones thrown in might have been accepted
with less of a negative crowd reaction. Additionally, Rick (formerly Ricky),
was dressed in a neck-to-toes sequined outfit with armpit-to-wrist sequined tassels
that hung when he ’spread – his – wings’ … he was dressed like Liberace
at a funeral director’s club meeting. Rick was readily recognized from his head & voice,
and ’settled-down’ the more ‘wild’ look, at least for when he did
a club swing thru Wildwood, NJ every summer …
MEMORIES MIGHT NOT BE ALL HE SANG,
BUT THAT CONCERT WAS DEVOTED TO MEMORIES …
It was a really big venue not available to him anymore,
but not the venue for what he wanted to do … HE TOOK A SHOT !
I had an older sister, so Ricky was around our house alot … (tv and music).
Later (for me) … it might have been college …
I remember him being thought of as a ‘dick’ for trying to promote the ‘new’ Rick …
and not going with the theme … and then we all got on board
and loved him for ‘pissing’ on the ‘old’ us that criticized him … lol
(gary) RENFIELD
www.RIPRenfield.com

ps – ‘Little’ RICKY was a grown man by the end of OZZIE & HARRIET …
he graduated college on the show. Of course, he grew up on the show,
but I think more people remembered him as an adult than as a kid.


________________________

TORTURE !!!

It can be an effective way to get ’secret’ information,
but can you ever be sure the information is accurate?

If a bomber is in custody BEFORE the bomb detonates,
I would be in favor of using every means possible…
but I can’t imagine there hasn’t been a drug developed
that would leave even the most hardened terrorist
(or anyone) immune to spilling his guts !

CHINA has ‘adjusted’ it’s rules on torture recently
(they usually look the other way),
seems they got a confession to a murder
from a probably suspect… CASE CLOSED ?

Well.. not really…
The guy they got him to
confess to killing turned up alive !!!

PRISONERS-of-WAR ?

My suggestion would be to feed them all kinds of info…
real, fake, imagined… and when captured…
TALK !!!   and keep TALKING !!!
SIGN ANYTHING, DO VIDEOS, TAKE PHOTOS…
(their captors will have no idea what is what)
TORTURE FOR INFORMATION WILL BE POINTLESS !

BUT FIRST…

Announce to the world, and the american public
what the new policy is…
It makes the propaganda useless & pointless…
and doesn’t scar the captive for being weak or a coward !
The captor only looks more the animal
if they continue their tortuous ways !

DISCLAIMER
THE IDEAS PRESENTED ABOVE
ARE THOSE OF A NON-MILITARY, NON-SERVING,
PUSSY TYPE OF PERSON…

_____________________

SPEAKING OF TORTURE…

This ‘tortuous’ issue of RIP RENFIELD
IS NOW OFFICIALLY FINISHED !!!

WITH MY APOLOGIES
FOR BEING A BIT TOO SERIOUS
(read: Where’s the nudity?)


I’ll get a little more ‘frisky’ for next week…

So remember to check in…

NEXT WEEK, EVERY WEEK !!!

AS WE SOON WATCH THE EQUINOX
HAPPENING GENTLY  AROUND US,
WE ENJOY THE LAST ‘GASPS’ OF SPRING !

I’LL HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY
ABOUT ‘SPRING’ NEXT ISSUE !

mostly because…
I’m really enjoying the young women
flaunting it, and nearly exposing ‘naughty bits’
with no thoughts of modesty, or embarassment…

Especially to someone like ME…
Someone who remembers those ’sights’ as few & far between !
That wasn’t a regular occurence outside a go-go bar…
And far more appreciative to someone of my generation,
than some young punk, de-sensitized to sexy,
by a lifetime of free, unlimited, online porn !

YOU ‘HIT’ YOUR JACKPOT !!!

I’LL SETTLE FOR MY GOLD-MINE…

Whether 555, or generous ‘C’ cups !!!

(for the record… A,B,C,D… I’m a fan of ALL that part of the alphabet)

____________________

COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

Opposing opinions are welcome,
but since I’m the only employee of RIP,
you’re wasting your time…

*******************************

OCCASION RIP BANNERS
& ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist & resident genius

TISH (PILLBUG)
——————————

>>>>>TELL YOUR FRIENDS<<<<<

+++++++++++++++++++++