† RIP Renfield #551 – Rushin’ Russian Issue †

***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY,
AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS  IN RIP***

(except for the stuff I make up, lie about,
or receive  mis-information about)

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Don’t be a stranger,   you can contact me  at…
RIPRenfield@aol.com

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† RIP Renfield  #551 –  Rushin’ Russian Issue †

May 8, 2010

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The girls in the banner above

are actual RUSSIAN SOLDIERS…

A nice way to get across the point that I’m

RUSHIN’
to get this week’s RIP Renfield done !!!

I’m working thru saturday,
have to do some (alot) of Mothers Day shopping,
a next day breakfast to prepare,
a trip to mom’s house,
posting RIP Renfield on the internet site,
and wasting time searching & trying-to-buy
hard-to-find dvd’s as a June birthday present for my wife,
and then my assorted ‘regular’ chores…
(wash, vacuum, sort vitamins, garbage out, scrub the tub, etc.)
((I”m going to make some lucky girl a great ‘wife’))

Oh, did I mention that I’m completely exhausted,
and even though sleeping like-a-rock is restful…
exhaustion sets in each day by 10 am !!!

AND INSTEAD OF WORKING ON RIP RENFIELD
(this week’s issue)
I DECIDED TO PLAY WITH BANNERS
AND CREATED THE ONE ABOVE !
(and now it’s time for bed… geesh)

but the banner came out well,
and is half-way clever…

SO TIME WELL WASTED !!!

TOO BAD IT MEANS I HAVE TO ‘SLAP’
AN ISSUE TOGETHER
AND NOT GIVE IT THE ‘LOVING TOUCH’
AND THEME-ATIC NATURE I TRY TO INSERT…

(hey… so I’m delusional… give me a break)


___________________

R.I.P

Leslie Buck

Countless New Yorkers & visitors have warmed their hands on it,
a blue-white-&-gold cardboard cup with an ancient Grecian design,
steaming with coffee or tea. This pop-culture emblem of NY
is slowly disappearing. And now the man who created it is gone.

UPSET ?

CAN I GET YOU A CUP OF COFFEE ?



(SUGAR, EQUAL, SPLENDA, or ARSENIC ?)


____________________

EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM…

This is a test… if it were an actual emergency
the attention signal.. yada yada yada…

I HAVE NEVER HEARD AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY,
UNTIL NOW… AND IT WAS WIDESPREAD !
(and didn’t seem to work properly)

In the early evening we heard… THE SOUND !!!
Looking up, it looks (and sounds) like every other test.
ONLY this time I am a captive audience…
I have no control over changing the channel !
MY TV WAS DISABLED EXCEPT FOR THE ‘WARNING’ !
Finally, after the 4th or 5th time they ran it… 10 minutes or so…
the sound was audible enough to hear
that there was a carjacking 20 miles away
with an 18 month old baby in the car !
(I shut the tv to get away from the annoyance)

HUH ?  I WAS WAITING TO HEAR
THAT THERE WAS A NUCLEAR ATTACK,
OR A MAJOR TERRORIST STRIKE !!!

THIS WAS CLEARLY AN ABUSE OF SYSTEM
THAT DIDN’T EVEN WORK PROPERLY
FOR THAT LOCAL INCIDENT !!!

IT WAS A CRIME, NOT AN EMERGENCY…
and the state installed road information tickertapes,
to inform those on the road to keep an eye out !
TV viewers in their homes couldn’t help !!!

In addition, when I mentioned it at work…
it affected viewers another 20 miles south of here !


ACTUALLY THIS HELPS THE CASE
THAT OUR KIDS FACE THE SAME RARE OCCURENCE
OF DANGER THAT WE DID AS KIDS…
This incident probably had parents on the other coast
locking their kids away for safety !

THE REAL FUNKY STUFF RARELY HAPPENS TO KIDS…
or else INDIVIDUAL cases wouldn’t be national news !

ADDENDUM…

I live a half-hour from NYC by train,
I’m between NYC & the ANTHRAX town in NJ !!!
A car-bomb is found in TIMES SQUARE, NYC !
WOULDN’T YOU THINK THE
EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM
would be on top of this?
THIS IS MORE IN LINE WITH WHAT
I EXPECT THEM TO REPORT !!!

THERE COULD HAVE BEEN MULTIPLE ATTACKS !!!

THE ‘ALARM’ WAS SILENT !!!
Perhaps if there were a toddler in the bomb-car ?

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While eating a ‘regular’ ice cream sandwich,

I started to wonder why…

the CHIP-WICH lost popularity ?

They are still around I suppose,
but there was a time they were the rage !!!

WHY NOT ?
A thick slab of ice cream,
between 2 chocolate chip cookies,
and chocolate chip around the rim ?

They did start to get pricey (for those days),
but it was probably the cheap knock-offs,
the non-gourmet versions that dealt it the death blow !

BUT FOR ME, IF I WERE GOING TO GET INVENTIVE…
I’d either put ice cream on freshly baked brownies…
or spread cookie dough in a small pie tin, bake,
let it cool (just a bit)… and add ice cream !!!

(I used to make those when I cooked for my dates)


_____________________

LAWRENCE TAYLOR

might be doing some serious time
for his escapade with an under-aged prostitute !

His lawyer corrected LT’s first statement…

” HEY… I DIDN’T KNOW SHE WAS 14,

SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS 16 !!! ”


Math was never his strong point !!!


__________________

Me?  I like older women
(older women and nice tits)

I’M  NOT  ILLITERATE !!!



AND IF I WERE…

THERE’S ALWAYS BRAILLE !!!


____________________

BRETT MICHAELS
(POISON)

There’s been an awful lot of nice things
said about him since his near death battle
with a brain hemmorhage…

Now that it looks like he’ll not only survive,
but make a decent recovery…

WHAT IS THE ‘POLITE’ AMOUNT OF TIME TO WAIT
BEFORE WE CAN GO BACK
AND START SAYING ‘HE SUCKS’ AGAIN ?


__________________

WELL…

WE FINALLY HAD OUR DAY IN COURT…

My daughter, on the way home from having a tooth pulled,
with a bit of swelling, and a bloody ‘packing’…

GOT 2 TRAFFIC TICKETS !!!
(a warning would have been nice, it was in OUR town)

One for having an expired driver’s license,
one for going 40mph in a 25mph zone…
(by the way… 39 is 2 points, 40 is 4 points !!!! THE BASTARD!)

You NEVER plead guilty by paying the ticket by mail,
you go to court to see the prosecutor and try to deal.
IT CAN’T HURT !!!

YOU GO IN WITH A GOOD ATTITUDE,
POLITE, RESPECTFUL,
SHOW A LITTLE CLEAVE-AGE…
(I had my daughter show some cleave-age too)

and as long as you’re not there every week
and on a first name basis with the judge…
they often times lessen the charge.

WE DID GREAT !!!
(but it cost plenty)
EXPIRED LICENSE – DISMISSED
SPEEDING TICKET – FINE DISMISSED & NO POINTS
But a $250 fee and $33 in court costs !

MUCH BETTER THAN ‘POINTS’ REPORTED
TO THE INSURANCE COMPANY
AND PAYING SURCHARGES FOR YEARS !

TOO BAD I DIDN’T GET TO USE MY
OPENING STATEMENT TO THE COURT !
A BIT LENGTHY & I ATTACKED THE MORALS OF THE OFFICER,
AND HIS SOBRIETY… BUT I CAN SAVE IT FOR ANOTHER DAY !

———    ——–

My daughter was annoyed that I was enoying myself
observing cases in the court room…
(we were sitting with the other ‘criminals’)
I got real friendly with the others on the GROUP ‘W’ BENCH !
(alice’s restaurant reference)

The ‘entertaining’ judge was presiding…
He ‘chewed out’ the loud group of young people
in the back row BEFORE he heard their case… (oh boy)
sentenced one guy to 180 days in lock-up,
one guy was a no-show – $2500 bench warrant issued.
No OTHER speeding ticket more than 5 miles over the limit.
(you gave the ticket, why add extra speed mr. policeman?)
Oh… one guy wearing a ‘racing’ shirt was there for going
145mph in a 55 zone… judge repeatedly asking .. “WHY?”
I was curious how they caught up to him to catch him !

IT WAS EVERY BIT AS GOOD AS THE BEST
COURT ROOM TV YOU MIGHT SEE !!!

Except for the ‘fine money’ it cost…

I REALLY DID HAVE A GOOD TIME !!!

ONE MORE THING…

You have to pass thru a metal detector now…
I wasn’t going to, but then voluntarily surrendered
the pocket knife on my keychain…

Thinking I’d have trouble getting it back
turned into a non-problem…

I WAS THE ONLY IDIOT THAT BROUGHT
A WEAPON TO COURT THAT DAY !!!


_____________________

OFT TIMES YOU READ ABOUT…

someone with a boatload of internal problems
and thru years of therapy
find out (remember) that they were abused as children !!!


I’d like to clear-the-air and admit for all to hear
that I was NEVER abused as a child…

ALL OF MY ABUSE CAME TO ME

WHEN I WAS AN ADULT !!!

I told this to someone who thought I was a bit crazy !

MY REPLY ?

It’s like consuming large amounts of alcohol…

SOME PEOPLE SINK IN IT,
SOME PEOPLE SWIM IN IT !

I SWIM IN MY ‘CRAZY-NESS’ !!!

(Life? I get the joke !)

_______________________

NOT EXACTLY A JOKE,
BUT IT DRIVES OTHER PEOPLE CRAZY…

I just used the bathroom mirrors
to get a good look at my ‘meager’ ponytail…

DAMN… LOOKS GOOD… LIKE A REAL ONE !!!
(of course it’s the last color on my head,
but that will be gone one day too)

I must have had a growth spurt when I wasn’t looking…
I’M THINKING A BRAID
FOR THE NEXT TRIP TO MOM’S HOUSE !

The funny thing… pulled back…
my hair looks like a normal cut, actually conservative…
but when I ‘flip’ it…  it’s WILLY NELSON TIME !!!

___________________

http://forgottenhits60s.blogspot.com/

GO TAKE A LOOK AT FORGOTTEN HITS…
(They’re not fussy… I’m even allowed to post with the BIG SHOTS!)

________________________

I ACCIDENTALLY FINALLY FOUND
AN ORIGINAL VHS TAPE OF MY MOTHER
AND HER SANTA CLAUS COLLECTION
presented on various tv news programs…
(like ones with BILL BEUTEL, LLOYD LINDSAY YOUNG, that era)

EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY MADE COPIES !
I MADE EDITED VERSIONS FOR EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY !
WHEN THEY LOST OR MISPLACED THEIRS, I DID IT AGAIN…
and again.. and again…
(you’d think someone besides me would think them important)
and it doesn’t matter how many copies they have,
when they need the tape, they won’t have it again !

EVEN A GOOD COPY OF MY ONE SISTER ON
WHEEL OF FORTUNE (the game show)
FALLS ON ME TO PROVIDE .. 10,15,20 years later…

THE LATEST NEED WAS TO PUT THEM (finally) on DVD…
So the call comes to me…
NO ONE has copies… not even bad ones !

THE ONE I FOUND (I’m sure I have more, somewhere)
IS A GLORIOUS 1ST GENERATION ORIGNAL…
VERY NEAR DIGITAL, DVD QUALITY !

I’M AFRAID TO LET IT OUT OF MY HANDS…
THIS GETS LOST OR FUCKED UP…
THEY CAN’T COME TO ME ANYMORE !

and me having this one STILL won’t make them happy…
since you have to watch the entire half-hour of news
to see the ‘bumpers’ the stories, & newscaster comments…

INSTEAD OF PRAISE FOR BEING THE ONLY ONE
IN THE FAMILY WITH ANY BRAINS ABOUT IT…
I’M SURE THERE WILL BE CRITICISM
THAT I DON’T HAVE MORE !
AND WHEN MY FINAL ORIGINAL IS LOST OR DAMAGED,
IT WILL BE MY FAULT AGAIN !!!

(sorry, the above is of no interest to anyone,
but I guess I needed to vent… I’m better now)

_______________________

YOU WANT AN HONEST OPINION
ABOUT YOUR NEW ‘FRAGRANCE’ CHOICE ?

GIRLFRIENDS  LIE  !!!

I’M THE ONE YOU SHOULD BE ASKING !!!

LET ME HAVE A ‘SNIFF’ !!!

(I’ll get my nose right down in there)

___________________________

SPEAKING OF THAT OLD TV NEWS TAPE

WITH THE SANTA CLAUS ITEMS…

I sat and watched the entire 1990-ish news programs
(2 different ones, on 2 different channels),
and you know what ?

IT WAS REAL NEWS !!!  AND INTERESTING !!!
No fluff, no frills, no Lindsay Lohan or American Idol stories,
no musical performance, actually..  no nonsense !
and I really got a feel for what was going on back then !

TV NEWS HAS REALLY GONE TO HELL
(probably why I get most of my news online)

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something to be careful about…

Last week I said that I tried to cure a slow-laptop
with a REGISTRY BOOSTER program
(that cost $29.99 with 30 day refund policy)

It really didn’t help me and they were cool about
refunding the money… I was notified in an email.

The thing to be careful about…
and that goes with any ’scanning software’
is the automatic renewals…
(like I have for my anti-virus protection)

I received a SECOND EMAIL after the refund,
CANCELING the AUTOMATIC RENEWAL
that, as far as I know, I never authorized !!!

Or, in the case of my anti-virus renewals ?
I have to remember to cancel the renewal,
because a year later (and thereafter),
they would charge me for the renewal
even if I no longer had the machine in working order !

NOT THEIR FAULT EXACTLY,
BUT IT CAN COME ACROSS AS SLEAZY
if some unscrupulous company takes advantage of you !

BE-WARE !!!

________________________

I don’t carry my cell phone on my person
during working hours…
I keep it nearby and check for ‘missed calls’
multiple times during the day…
(I’d have broken it numerous times if carried)

AND I WAS THINKING…
IT’S SUCH A COMFORT TO PICK UP THE PHONE
AND FIND NO ‘MISSED CALLS’…
NO ‘VOICE MAILS’… JUST THE TIME
(and the RIP Renfield coffin, or Kellie Martin pic, I use as wallpaper)

I use the cell phone so minimally during the day,
that I’m terrified of a home emergency
when I get an un-expected call from home !!!

____________________

from MIKEY in Tenn.

seems you can wipe-yer-ass

with a variety of ’statement’ toilet paper…

prankplace.com/product.aspx?d=Toilet-Paper. REBEL-FLAG-FUNNY-TOILET-PAPER

___________________

OKAY…

I’VE WASTED ENOUGH TIME
ENTERTAINING YOU BASTARDS !!!


I’M GOING TO MAKE A QUICK EXIT…

I GOT THINGS TO DO

PLACES TO BE

and have to find time to spend with my
TIBETAN SINGING (prayer) BOWL !

My new system it to place a losing lottery ticket in the bowl,
put a very large piece of raw LAPIS LAZULI on top of it…

and make that fucker ’sing’ !!!

SING?  I GOT IT ‘SCREAMING’ !!!

SING ME A WINNER !!!
(hey, I’ll try anything)

Someone, who will remain anonymous (Susan, my daughter),
took some pics of the ’singing bowl w lottery ticket,
and is ’sitting’ on them
and didn’t get them to me in time for inclusion in this item…

SO….

YOU GET STUCK WITH IT NEXT WEEK !!!

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COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

Opposing opinions are welcome,
but since I’m the only employee of RIP,
you’re wasting your time…

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OCCASION RIP BANNERS
& ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist & resident genius
TISH (PILLBUG)
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>>>>>TELL YOUR FRIENDS<<<<<

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