†RIP Renfield #541 – BASEBALL-BLIZZARD ISSUE †

***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY,
AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS  IN RIP***

(except for the stuff I make up, lie about,
or receive  mis-information about)

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Don’t be a stranger,   you can contact me  at…
RIPRenfield@aol.com

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† RIP Renfield  #541 – BASEBALL-BLIZZARD ISSUE †

March 6, 2010

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” SAY IT AIN’T SNOW ! “



(or “say it ain’t so?”)

The  much too brief respite we had from winter
inspired me to think of things baseball…
We were ‘teased’ with near spring-type days !
A few sunny, non-wintery days…
(I actually got to see my lawn… the snow melted)
made me think the worst was over…
THEN THE NEXT BLIZZARD ARRIVED !!!
Mercifully, the weather-predicters were somewhat wrong…
The 2 1/2 day long blizzard abated
after a little more than a day !!!
Still plenty of snow, still plenty of clean-up…
but the unexpected end, and the sunny weather,
wasn’t the worst thing that ever came my way…

Just too bad the end of the storm was responsible
for (probably) many millions of dollars of productivity !
Since the 2nd day was a Friday…
Industrial park parking lots were empty…
other businesses closed for the day…
schools closed for the day…
even MY pizza place !!!

AND DELAYED OPENINGS
OR ARRIVING LATE FOR WORK
WOULD HAVE SUFFICED NICELY !

Oh well… it wouldn’t bother me as much
if I didn’t have to put in a full day…

I’D LIKE TO BE OFF FOR THE DAY TOO !!!

by the way…
there’s rumblings of another ‘blizzard’ next week !!!

SEEMS I CAN ADD ‘BLIZZARD’
TO THE TITLE OF MOST ANY ISSUE !!!
like
BASEBALL-BLIZZARD


______________________

WHO’S ON FIRST ?

THE LANDLORD THIS TIME !!!

R.I.P

SIDNEY  FIELDS

Sidney Fields performed on stage, radio,
and occasionally in movies.
He worked with Eddie Cantor as a writer and actor,
and with Ben Blue, Rudy Vallee, Fred Allen & Milton Berle.

He was a comedy actor and writer best known
for his featured role on The Abbott and Costello Show.
Fields played a prominent supporting role as “Mr. Fields,”
the hot-tempered, bald-headed landlord of the rooming house
where Abbott and Costello lived. He was a frequent target of
gags and schemes foisted by the two main characters.
Like other cast regulars, Fields played other roles as well,
usually wearing a wig or other disguise.
He also wrote some of the episodes.
The show ran for 2 seasons & in syndication for decades.

_______________________

If you ever get the chance

to visit VATICAN CITY in Italy…

Plan to spend alot of time (in line)
and see-ing the little of the massive art treasures
that they choose to put on display…

ALSO…
Be careful of pickpockets…
IT’S A VERY POPULAR SPOT FOR THIEVES !
(and they don’t put a ‘plate’ or ‘basket’ in front of you)
My teen niece called home in tears
after she had her wallet & ‘papers’ lifted
from a pocketbook backpack…


ONE THING YOU SHOULD NOT OVERLOOK
WHILE VISITING THE VATICAN ?

The massive collection of
AMERICAN BASEBALL CARDS !
It would have to be the largest and most extensive
collection in the world !

WITH NUNS BEING CREATURES OF ‘HABIT’…
the tradition of taking baseball cards away
from young students probably went on
both before and after my time…

AND I DON’T REMEMBER ANY OF US
GETTING THE BASEBALL CARDS BACK !



Where else could they have ended up ?

LOOK TO THE VATICAN !!!


__________________

speaking of ’sisters’…


I told the cute ‘juice story’ from last week
(the one about my newphews toddler?)
to my older sister (the kid’s grandmother)…

TOUGH AUDIENCE… (only for me?)
Both of my sisters find absolutely NO humor EVER
in anything I have to say…
(and I’m a pretty entertaining person)

I’ve tested them by having a friend that I tutored
in the exact telling of one of MY jokes
get the correct response from them…
(and it didn’t look like a ‘courtesy laugh’).

I’m sure they think that RIP Renfield
is read by a handful of miscreants that I somehow found
by some miniscule chance…
THINK THE SAME WAY THAT I DO !

YOU, TO THEM, ARE A SMALL, SELECT GROUP OF WIERDOS !
(you’re in good company… I’m read in many countries)
AND THEY CAN’T EXCEPT THAT THE ‘SELECT GROUP’
MIGHT NOT BE 50,000…
but there are a thousand or so of you out there !
(there is no way to convince them, that “I’m happening”)
((even if only in my own limited world))

I’m among people on occasion…

and they seem more like me (from 20-90 years old)
than they do the ’sisters’ !

I’M CONVINCED…
BUT I’VE ALWAYS WONDERED?

DO THEY EVER STOP TO THINK
THAT IT’S THEM, AND NOT ME ?

(I rarely make the effort for them… but I slip occasionally)

___________________

TIGER WOODS

Tiger’s finances just got better !
Since he got caught and went public with his
embarassing media-circus apology…
(the pussy)

THERE’S NO LONGER ANY NEED
TO PAY THOSE BIG-MOUTH CO-ADULTERERS
BIG MONEY FOR THEIR SILENCE !!!
(THEY chose to be with a married man)

Good move for Tiger going public…

The ho’s ain’t even getting 15 minutes of fame !
AND FAME FOR WHAT ?
(will you make your family proud?)

THE ‘GRAVY TRAIN’ IS OVER !!!

Sue?  Sue for what?
Never mind what HE is !
WHAT ARE YOU ?
(the female terms are MUCH less complimentary)

NEED MONEY?
They might be hiring at the WAFFLE HOUSE !!!

HOW COME WHEN IT WAS BILL CLINTON,
IT WAS ONLY SEX? (no addiction?)
(and it wasn’t only monica)

____________________

the following WAS to be my RIP ‘opening’
until word of the last BLIZZARD broke my spirit…

AGAIN !!!

Just to show you how EVEN MORE SNOW
affected me and how far I fell…

—

I had a good day… (finally)

I was off work monday & wednesday…
Tuesday was rugged… but not horrible…
THURSDAY… the sun was out.. it was nearly 40 degrees,
the work load was ‘reasonable’…
I was well rested and ready !!!
I got RIP done early enough to not panic…
I got things done at home and am caught up…
I’m successfully working on one of my long-term projects…
AHHHHHHH !!!

AND I THINK THE THING THAT PUT ME ON THE ROAD?

It was such a pleasure to wake up to the morning news,
and the weather NOT being the story of the day !!!
The weather report was in the normal rotation
(not every 5 minutes),
no frozen reporters on the street,
no film of snow plows or buried streets…
the kids putting in a full day at school…

THE NEWS WAS VERY REPETITIVE & BORING…
(some minor celeb even got to show off her new shoes)

THE WAY IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE !!!

ALL IS SO RIGHT WITH THE WORLD..
IT’S TIME FOR A ‘YOUNG’ MAN’S FANCY
TO TURN TO…

BASEBALL !!!


AND THEN MAJOR SNOW…

AND THEN PREDICTIONS OF MORE SNOW
FOR THE FOLLOWING WEEK…
IT’S MARCH ALREADY…
HOW ‘BOUT IT ALREADY !!!

LIKE I SAID… I HAD MY ‘SPIRIT’
MORE THAN BROKEN…
MORE LIKE DESTROYED !!!

___________________

JUST A THOUGHT…

With the major earth movement in Haiti,
and now in Chile… (8.8 !!!)
I’m working on a ‘new’ theory…

PERHAPS THE WEATHER…
(global warming, pounding snowstorms, etc)
is more a function of the earth ‘adjusting’
it’s tecktonics, than it is of people pollution !

There must be numerous ‘fields’…
magnetic and otherwise,
that can’t helpt but be part of the earth’s makeup !

COULD THE STRESSES IN THESE ‘FIELDS’
TRANSLATE INTO ABERRANT WEATHER
BEFORE THE PLATE SHIFTING ?
i DON’T KNOW, BUT IT SHOULD BE LOOKED INTO !

The changes in the atmosphere and weather
might be a side-effect of approaching stresses
in the earth’s crust !!!

(hey.. I think deep thoughts, I’m not just a pretty face)

______________________

I’VE BEEN GETTING SOME COMPLAINTS…

SO THESE ARE FOR

THE COMPLAINERS…


little ones…

BIG ONES

FAMILIAR ONES




MARRIED ONES

FAMOUS ONES



and FRESHLY SHOWERED ONES…



AND THAT’S ALL I HAVE

TO SAY ABOUT THAT !

(it’ll have to hold you)

______________________

snow stories…

(NOT my next-door neighbors… damn-it !)

My next door neighbor is a big-time landscaper…
in the winter, he does snow removal…
He said that he makes out well
if there’s a little snow, or alot of snow…
(mostly contract stuff)
AFTER THIS PAST WINTER,
I EXPECT HIM TO BE DRIVING A PORCHE !!!

Funny thing…

My wife wakes up early to hit the gym and swim…
Not able to get past the plowed snow…
she did a very nice job of ‘digging-us-out’…
(before I woke for work, snow or no snow)
When I do it… I always shovel out our parking spaces
in front of the house.  I’ve always done it
even though our neighbor has all kinds of plows,
on all sizes of vehicle… I shovel it by hand !

My wife was seen doing the ‘heavy lifting’
and guess what ?

” Let me get that for you with the plow. “

I should have sent her out there years ago !
One 30 second push = 2 hours of shoveling

—–

NOW FOR MY FAUX PAS…

My car locks were frozen…
I got out a cigarette lighter (I don’t smoke),
heated the key… and ‘worked the lock’…
it took several heatings to get the tumbler to turn…

WITH THE LOCK UN-LOCKED…
I STILL COULDN’T GET IN…
THE DOOR EDGES WERE ICED OVER !

I needed an extra hand to pry the door open…
SO WHERE TO PUT THE KEY ?
I caught myself at the last second…
but I was about to hold the ‘hot’ key
in MY MOUTH !!!

WOULDN’T THAT BE A REVOLTING PERDICAMENT ?
Out in the ice cold, with burned lips and mouth !

So I just froze ‘regular’, no burns !

____________________

ME AND MY ADVICE…

Someone asked me about their ’slow’ computer…
Instead of buying new… (if happy with it otherwise)…
Have it re-formatted, re-install windows…
like right out-of-the-box new…

ACTUALLY GOOD ADVICE…
But 2 weeks later?
I find myself in the same position…
I MAY END UP DISAPPEARING
FOR A WEEK OR 2,
MY LAPTOP IS ACTING UP…
I’M PREPARING FOR TOTAL DIS-ABLE-MENT…
(backed up my entire laptop on an external hard drive)
But I need to locate the installation disks
for all the ‘little’ programs I use regularly…

IT’S NO SMALL JOB !!!
(the screen-cap of my desktop and start menu should help)

I don’t want to do it till absolutely necessary,
so there won’t be any more warning…
re-creating the machine I’ve lived with
for the last 5 years might take some time…
(and I haven’t had any to spare lately)

DAMN SNOW !

I still have a few tricks up my sleeve,
so I may be able to work around
my computer troubles…

____________________

as Jack Benny played…

Can it be the spring, that seems
to bring the stars right into this room?

Oh no, it isn’t the spring,
it’s love in bloom…

THAT SURE WOULD BE NICE…
My brief respite from the winter blahs…
(all rain, no snow for the last snow-storm)
led me to believe spring-like weather was here to stay !

The latest weather reports are of a 2-and-a-half day snow event…
as little as 6 inches total of snow…
upwards to a maximum of over 12 inches
if you’re in one of the lucky areas !
(ones they can’t seem to pinpoint)

THE BASTARDS !!!
ISN’T IT MARCH ?
(please be mercifully wrong one more time)

(maybe it’ll melt quickly, last time it lingered)

____________________

I WROTE THAT LAST ITEM TOO EARLY…
THE WEATHERMEN WERE ‘MERCIFULLY’ WRONG !!!

THE STORM WAS A SON-OF-A-BITCH…
BUT IT WAS A LITTLE MORE THAN A DAY
UNTIL WE SAW THE SUN…
THE OTHER DAY AND A HALF OF SNOW
NEVER HAPPENED !

and now it’s a few days of 40+ degree days
to melt some of the mountains of snow away…
BEFORE THE NEXT SNOW EVENT !!!

They call them ’snow events’ so they can claim
their predictions correct whether it’s flurries
or an all out blizzard !!!

I’M GOING TO HAVE A GOOD NITE’S SLEEP NOW…
THEN A NICE BREAKFAST
AND LAZE SUNDAY AWAY…

AMAZING HOW A WARMER, SUNNY DAY
BRINGS YOU BACK TO LIFE

SO UNTIL I RISE FROM-THE-BLUES…

I GUESS I’M DONE FOR THIS WEEK !!!
(and I used up all my ‘torured’ snow items)

OH YEAH…

BATTER UP !!!

____________________

COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

Opposing opinions are welcome,
but since i’m the only employee of RIP,
you’re wasting your time…

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