† RIP Renfield #544 – AFTER the DELUGE †

***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY,
AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS  IN RIP***

(except for the stuff I make up, lie about,
or receive  mis-information about)

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Don’t be a stranger,   you can contact me  at…
RIPRenfield@aol.com

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† RIP Renfield  #544 – AFTER the DELUGE †

March 20, 2010

———————

HOLY SIM-OLE-EE

DID WE GET A BARREL-FUL OF RAIN LAST WEEK !!!

Never in MY lifetime has it rained for so long a period !
(thursday after midnite & clearing out monday nite)
POWER OUT, BASEMENTS & ROADS FLOODED,
FALLING TREES, CAR ACCIDENTS, EVEN DEATHS !
‘STATES-OF-EMERGENCY’ IN MANY AREAS !
Oh, and include the massive snow melt from the last blizzard,
and the gusts of wind up to near-hurricane velocity !

APRIL SHOWERS ?
(march put them to shame)

My personal inconvenience was minimal,
but other family did have problems…

I’m hoping we’re all ‘rained-out’
and can look forward to some sun & warmth…
I noticed how I really perked-up with the last
little taste of spring-like weather…
I ONLY HATED WORK HALF-AS-MUCH !!!
(a real accomplishment)
AND LAST RIP RENFIELD SHOWED SOME LIFE…
like I was almost back to my pre-winter charming self…

YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY…

____________________

I really need to make a master-list
of all the RIP DEAD TRIBUTES I’ve done…
(over 500)
I’m thinking I’ve tributed several people more than once…
but I like to make-believe I did it on purpose…

for example…

R.I.P

RAY  WALSTON

It seems he’s always been relevant thru-out my lifetime…
Just the other day…. I saw him on 3 different channels,
in 3 different programs, at 3 different stages in his life…
ALL BEING SHOWN AT THE SAME TIME !!!
(I channel surf)

If her were a ‘prick’, or un-talented, or hard to work with…
I can’t imagine him being so prolific and in-demand !

FROM…
South Pacific to Damn Yankees to My Favorite Martian
to Fast TImes at Ridgemont High (YOU DICK!)…
to an even later role as a continue-ing character,
a ‘gardener’ at Star Fleet Command in San Francisco !
HE WAS ALWAYS AROUND…

I GUESS I GREW UP WITH RAY…

REST-in-PEACE

________________

Being a ‘PRACTICING’ Catholic,
I gave alot of thought on what to give up for Lent…
(the time between ash wednesday & easter)

So this year I decided to give up MEAT…

not just fridays, but every day…

and so far, so good…

I’VE BEEN EATING McDONALD’S HAMBURGERS
MOST EVERY DAY…

SO I’VE MANAGED TO STAY AWAY FROM MEAT !
WELL, ANYTHING REGOGNIZE-ABLE AS MEAT ANYWAY !

______________________

I thought I had a mini-emergency !

Being ‘on’ the laptop for hours,
I started hearing a beeping… slow at first,
then clumped a bit to sound more urgent,
then back to slow… I looked around to see
if it could be one of my many timers
(it’s the only way I remember things),
but the beep was ONLY near-recognize-able
to a low-battery warning (but sounding VERY urgent) !

I was plugged-in but using a fairly new power supply…
I was afraid I was burning out the laptop !
I pulled the power cord from the back of the computer,
then I hurried-ly finished what I was doing
since the beeping continued !
I powered-down as fast as I could !
STILL IT BEEPED !!!

When I got up and moved to the other side of the room,
I found out the beeping that scared me
was coming from my atomic set, projection clock’s alarm !
A reflection of the sound made it sound closer.
I had never used the alarm function on it
and must have set it ALARM ON while adjusting for
DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME !
(I set it early on saturday with most of my ‘little’ clocks)

SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME !!!
I thought the laptop was counting down to an explosion !

_______________________

DENIALS SINCE 2001 ?

SEEMS ALOT OF BACK-SLAPPING
FOR THE SETTLEMENT PLAN JUST APPROVED
FOR THE DISEASES ‘FIRST RESPONDERS’ FROM 911
DEVELOPED AFTERWARDS (funky diseases) !

(the latest? settlement knocked down by a thinking judge!)

DIDN’T THE GOV’T… THE EPA
headed by former NJ Governor Christie Whitman,
assure EVERYONE, at the time,
that not only was the air at ground zero safe,
but airborn particles & pollutants were safe enough
that NO extra-ordinary measures were taken
to protect the workers, firemen, & police at the scene ?

CHRISTIE’S NEW CD IN NOW AVAILABLE…
” Songs from the musical.. HAIR “

INCLUDING… AIR

Welcome! sulphur dioxide
Hello! carbon monoxide
The air, the air Is everywhere
Breath deep, while you sleep breath deep…

———–

AND DIDN’T THE GOV’T BOTH DENY
THE POSSIBILITY OF 911 BEING RESPONSIBLE
FOR NEWLY DISEASED FIRST RESPONDERS ?

AND DIDN’T THE GOV’T FIGHT IN THE COURTS
TO MINIMIZE ANY PAYOUT THEY ‘MIGHT’ BE LIABLE FOR ?


I can see the life-shortened victims
and their families finding some solace in the settlement,
BUT I CAN’T SEE ANYONE ON THE GOV’T SIDE
TAKING BOWS OR LOOKING FOR PRAISE !!!

A higher-up in the Mayor Bloomberg administration
even went to his ‘early’ death, falling on his sword,
and NOT blaming his illness on his
on-the-scene experience at ground zero !
(although it was obvious to many)

GOD FORBID SOMETHING SIMILAR EVER HAPPENS…
BUT IT WOULD HAVE TO BE IN THE MINDS
OFTHE FIRST RESPONDERS THAT THEY ARE
ACCEPTABLE LOSSES, WHO WILL BE LIED TO,
AND DENIED (paid for) TREATMENT
FOR BEING GOOD SAMARITANS !!!


__________________

by the way…

ISN’T IT A REAL COINCIDENCE
THAT CHRISTIE WHITMAN
ISN’T AS ACTIVE IN POLITICS
AS SHE ONCE WAS ?
(no high profile political appointments anyway)

_____________

the LADY Pharmacist…
(or even worse, the young girl pharmacist)

I had a repeat of a ‘dick’ problem
I had once before, years ago…
An irritation.. maybe a rash?
The doctor told me (the last time)
to use LAMISIL cream…
(my wife lent me the ‘woman’s’ version)
USED FOR 3 or 4 DAYS, IT WORKED !!!

Looking for the same ‘relief’ I went to my local
CVS DRUG STORE…
Just my luck, no male pharmacist or clerk there…
I apologized to the young female,
telling her I’d be more comfortable with a male pharmacist,
but she said she understood and it was no problem…
So I told her about my ‘dick’…

I explained and showed her the tube I’d picked up…
and good thing I did… it was the wrong ointment for my problem…
She walked me over to a different aisle then I’d been in…
and handed me a LAMISIL marked with big letters…
FOR ATHLETE’S FOOT !

I jokingly pointed out to her…
(’dick’ problem?)

” IT AIN’T A FOOT !!! “

and she shot back… ” CLOSE ENOUGH ! “

I blushed and thanked her,
but I’m really not one to brag !
and asked her to keep her mind
on the problem at ‘hand’…

LATER…

I TOOK HER OUT FOR ICE CREAM LATER
TO GET HER MIND ON OTHER THINGS…

___________________

A bit of wisdom from ‘DUCKY’
(David McCallum)
from the ever-popular NCIS tv show…

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
UN-ETHICAL & IMMORAL ?

An ethical man knows it’s wrong
to cheat on his wife…

A moral man DOESN’T cheat on his wife !


I was wondering how politicians
got around that one…

SEEMS THEY WORRY ABOUT THEIR ETHICS,
MORE THAN THEIR MORALITY !
(and in more things than sex)

_______________________

TOYOTA PRIUS

The company can’t duplicate the claims
of the owner who claimed un-controlled acceleration?
TESTED FOR 4 DAYS,  THEY ARE CONVINCED !

WANT TO CONVINCE ME ?
Have the president of the company
or his daughter drive the ‘tested’ car
for the next few months…
If they don’t consider it ‘taking-a-chance’
with his or her safety…

WHY NOT ?


_____________________

I saw a commercial for an A&E reality show called

BILLY THE EXTERMINATOR

It’s supposed to be about a zany pest removal company…
They show him ‘cornering’ a racoon
and the racoon, back against the wall,
bares it’s teeth, jumps out limbs akimbo,
and lets out a vicious snarl that made me
think much differntly about those cute critters !

IT WAS SO FAST & UNEXPECTED…

I  JUMPED !!

(and where did he get those plastic, halloween fangs?)
((the same ones that come with the RIP Renfield toy coffin))

____________________

GOOD NEWS – BAD NEWS

With both my wife and myself working,
we were NEVER eligible for the NJ STATE
HOMESTEAD TAXPAYER REBATE !

Without her working,
this would be the first year
we could cash-in on the rebate !

BUT… THE BIG BUT…

The new governor’s budget has for the first time
suspended the homestead rebate
as one of the un-afford-able programs !
We may still get some kind of credit
towards are property tax…
but I’m not holding my breath…
I’M ALREADY USED-TO NOT GETTING IT !!!


________________

If I could only wish it on vandals…

(I’m still pissed about my scratched windshield)
((and someone broke into my shed))

The human body can only take so much radiation
without turning cells cancerous.
Ask a dentist, or a radiologist… or an airline pilot !
Yes, you are exposed to radiation while flying.
The safe limits are quite low
and exposure is commulative over a year.
(or a lifetime)

HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT WILL TAKE
UNTIL FREQUENT FLYERS
COME DOWN WITH ‘FUNKY’ CANCERS ?
(or other ills)

Airline passengers are being scanned every which way
(shoe scanners are next),
and you can depend on as much safety for yourself
as you can in a Toyota that’s been recalled
and given the factory ‘fix’ !
(lots of reports that the ‘fix’ isn’t working
but Toyota insists the ‘fix’ solves the problem)

GOOD LUCK TO YA !!!


And CELL PHONES ?

Read your manual… if used properly,
the chance of danger is small…
(but it’s still there)

PROPER USE ?
My manual says (buried deep inside) that
the phone should NOT make contact with your ear.
Keep it half-an-inch away from your head !
Your brain gets microwaved ?
They can claim that YOU didn’t follow instructions !

Better to use a wireless Bluetooth earpiece…
that way it can transmit ‘waves’ both ways
thru your body for your call !

AND DON’T FORGET ALL THOSE
WI-FE HOT-SPOT WAVES YOU TRAVERSE !


WE’RE SCREWED… USE CELL PHONES MINIMALLY


____________________

I’m driving on the NJ GARDEN STATE PARKWAY…
A sporty, dark-burgundy car is side-by-side with me…
windows down (it’s a nice afternoon)…
and a cute, dark-haired, young lady is driving…
(alone in the car),
also all windows down, catching the breeze…
she glances my way, not for me staring,
she’s looking to get in my lane…
she’s able to get in front of  me…
and then I see it…

HER LICENSE PLATE !!!



I’m guessing she’s known for describing
‘hot’ cars with some speed with that phrase…

Now I’m wishing she’d have looked at me harder…
I was wearing my RIP patched baseball cap !

Some kind of cool coincidence !

She got off the same exit as I did,
but she made the light, I got the red light,
and lost sight of her car…

TOO BAD… GIVEN THE CHANCE…
I’d have shown her the hat, given her a ‘thumbs up’
and if I didn’t frighten her…. tell her about RIP,
and offer her a RIP patch for the back window
or for her to put on her own baseball cap !
I’m sure she would have been into it…
(I would have never approached her out of the car)

She was in the Iselin, Edison, NJ area…
near my home-base…
but I’m sure it was a one shot coincidence !

__________________

DIRTY  DANCING

With so little on tv,
I find myself leaving this movie on in the background
to amuse me while I do other things…

TWO THINGS THOUGH…

At the end, while the ‘dirty dance’ finale is being done.
I HATE IT when they ‘pan’ to the blond in the back…
One of the ‘bad girls’ who lets out that god-awful scream !!!
(rebel yell?)
Some girl lets one out in FOOTLOOSE too !!!
I think it’s one of the things I hate most
about an individual woman !!!
THAT NOISE !!!  (revolting)


SECONDLY…

As a father, the intricate dance routine
at the end of the movie is very comforting…

IF THEY WERE SPENDING THAT MUCH TIME DANCING,
LEARNING THAT ROUTINE….
HOW MUCH TIME DID THAT LEAVE FOR FUCKING ?
(dance all you want kiddies)

____________________

I REALLY impressed the deli-owner the other day…
I guess I must have my homepage news-services
set to ‘world-optimum’…

SHE WAS VERY IMPRESSED THAT
I WAS UP ON THE RECENT NEWS IN…

GREECE

TURKEY

ARMENIA

BRAZIL

VENEZUELA

CHILE

She’s a Turk and showed great surprise
when I went toe-to-toe with her on…
both ECONOMIC & SOCIAL situations over there…

Luckily, they had all made ‘news’
and I had read about them the nite before…
IT FELT GOOD, LOOKING SMART FOR ONCE !!!


_____________________



SHE WAS ONLY 16
PEACHES AND CREAM
LIPS LIKE STRAWBERRY WINE…

I did an item months (or years?) ago…
about how creepy this song was
in this politically correct world of ours…
even though it’s supposedly sung by a
contemporary of the girl, similar age…

RINGO STARR

(who had a re-make hit with the song)
obviously agrees with my line of thinkging…

HE WON’T BE PERFORMING THIS SONG ANYMORE…
EVEN HE FEELS THAT IT’S CREEPY
FOR A 70 YEAR OLD MAN TO BE SINGING
ROMANTICALLY ABOUT A 16 YEAR OLD GIRL !

I think he could get away with it…

the singing, not the romancing…
(hmm.. maybe that too?)

I must confess that I have some ‘warm’ memories
from my teen, pre-legal years…
but, in my fantasies, I’m 16 years old too !
and it’s more memory than fantasy…

THAT MAKES IT OKAY, NO ?

ON THE OTHER HAND…

DIRTY DANCING ?

Wasn’t ‘BABY’ like 15 or 16 years old ?
(even her older sister had a couple years on her)
and JOHNNY mabye 4 or 5 years older ?
They have a word for that… STATUTORY !


no reason…  but that last ‘word’ reminded me
of a girl from Johnny Carson’s hometown

that had alot of fun with alot of the boys
in the balcony of the local movie theater…

Her name was  GINA STATUTORY !


________________

I’m currently (currently?) driving a 1992 vehicle…
(I should break 80,000 miles this summer)

The car stereo is a replacment (still ancient though)…
and I’ve been having a problem with the
cassette player (YEAH, CASSETTE) for years !
(I used to make a ‘mean’ compilation tape)
I’m content to hear (mostly) one channel (the left),
and when the tape reverses I have to take it out
and flip it over to hear anything !

I DID try using a (dry) head cleaning tape years ago,
tried it on several occasions, but no luck…

When I cleaned an old VCR for someone,
I had the brainstorm to try using the ‘wet clean’ fluid
on the dry cassette cleaning tape…
(figured I had nothing to lose)
I dripped it right on the tape itself…

I wet it, and ran it thru for 10 cycles,
then wet it again and another 10… (15 minutes total)
even fiddled with the fast wind buttons to rattle it.

AND THE RESULT ?

SUCCESS !!!

I’M ROCKIN’ LIKE IT’S 1992 !!!
(crystal clear, perfect balance, ahhhhh)

I should have thought of this years ago !

——————

formerly of MysteryLyrics.info,
Dave’s gone off in another direction,
that is a daily stop for me…

http://en.davidscott.de/
GO TO THE SOURCE, FOLLOW THE LINK

———

and DAVE still has time

for the social networking site

with an obvious theme…



http://www.TotalOldies.ning.com

————

geez… the memories that pop up…

I remember back when I was in high school…
for some reason, bored at home probably…
I took out the phone book to see what
the last name in the (white pages) phone book was…

TURNED OUT TO BE SOMEONE
IN MY CLASS THAT I SORTA KNEW CASUALLY…
(his last name started with… ‘ZYW-’)
So, of course, I dialed the number to tell him…
HE ALREADY KNEW…
and althought we later became friends…
I think he thought me a little crazy !!!
(even then I was showing signs)

by the way…

I JUST CHECKED…

SOME OTHER MUTANT NOW HAS THE DISTINCTION
OF HAVING THE LAST LISTING IN THE WHITE PAGES !

__________________

that last bit was a great segue
for ending this issue…

the only think now is…

do I stay up late and get this sent
to the email subscribers on the regular day ?

or do I kick back,
make some chocolate pudding…
catch the last half-hour of
LAST COMIC STANDING

and drift off into a very pleasant sleep….

GUESS  WHAT  ?

YOU LOSE !!!

____________________

COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

Opposing opinions are welcome,
but since i’m the only employee of RIP,
you’re wasting your time…

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OCCASION RIP BANNERS
& ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist
TISH (PILLBUG)
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>>>>>TELL YOUR FRIENDS<<<<<

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