† RIP Renfield #539 – VALENTINE-BLIZZARD ISSUE †

***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY,
AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS  IN RIP***

(except for the stuff I make up, lie about,
or receive  mis-information about)

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Don’t be a stranger,   you can contact me  at…
RIPRenfield@aol.com

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† RIP Renfield  #539 – VALENTINE-BLIZZARD ISSUE †

February 13, 2010

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God-damn Superbowl !!!

I finally have a reason to watch one… a bet !
and it’s kinda exciting… (on, in the background)…
colts 3-0… 1st quarter winding down…
only need to be held a couple of ‘downs’,
kick a field goal.. and I WIN my box in the pool !!!
WELL… 2 more ‘quarters’ and a final score…
I MIGHT WIN SOMEWHERE ELSE…

BUT I’VE LOST THAT “LOVIN’ FEELING” !!!

AND ANOTHER THING…
I can’t figure out the ‘food connection’…
Just like people can’t sit in a movie theater
for 2 hours without continuously stuffing their faces,
WHY ISN’T DINNER (however big), DESSERT,
and perhaps a snack… (normal sunday fare)
ENOUGH FOOD FOR THE DAY ?

ME?

I’m splurging !!!

GOT MY PEANUT BUTTER & CRACKERS
RIGHT HERE BESIDE ME DURING THE GAME !
(not a dozen wings, a pizza, chips, beer, a 6 foot sub,
a lasagna, some bar-b-que, & assorted salads)

AND I’D PREFER IT BEING SERVED AS A MEAL,
NOT A TROUGH TO STICK MY FACE IN !!!

oh yeah..

and it’s VALENTINES DAY !!!


___________________

R.I.P


Donald Goerke

The Campbell Soup Co. executive was behind
the enduring brands SpaghettiOs and Chunky Soup.

Goerke was marketing research director of Campbell’s
Franco-American line in the early 1960s when his group started
dreamingup pasta in shapes that would appeal to kids.

He chose the o’s.

They were marketed with the unforgettable tagline,

“Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs.”

Later,he helped introduce Chunky Soup,
a hearty ready-to-serve soup.

____________________________

EXPECT ANOTHER SUB-PAR ISSUE…
(well.. not too many pics anyway… it reads okay to me)
I’ve had it… I thought I couldn’t be broken…
but I’ve had enough of THIS winter !!!

Two.. count them TWO legitimate blizzards
back-to-back with another 6 inches (snow)
due midnite-till-morning monday night !

I really used to enjoy weather like this
when it meant staying home from school,
but now that I’m forced to be out in it all day?

ARGHH !!!

A struggle to get to work,
a struggle AT work,
a struggle to get home from work…
THEN I CAN LOOK FORWARD
TO A COUPLE OF HOURS
OF SHOVELING SNOW !!!

And it’s not so much the ’strain’ it’s put on me…
but RIP Renfield is suffering !!!

HOPEFULLY, BETTER DAYS ARE COMING…
(please… and soon)

______________________

my yearly

VALENTINE RANT…

I’m going to propose something
you’ve never heard before…
(unless you experienced it in grammar or high school)

KIDS CAN BE CRUEL !!!

Your life for the next 12 years can be ruined
for wearing the wrong sneakers !
or your mother being too involved in class work !
or being a bit more ‘delicate’ than the other boys…

GIRLS ?
Much too many things to list that can ruin
their self-image and social life…
(too developed? or NOT developed? included)
most in the name of fun !


I can remember back-in-the-day how
we were expected to give a VALENTINE CARD
to EVERY kid in the class, so no one got hurt feelings !
SUPER-HERO cards could get you out of being a ’sissy’,
but your card better be ‘butch’ !!!

The card you ended up giving to a girl you may
have had secret feelings for…
ALWAYS  had plausible-denialbility !!!
(”shut-up, man”… and hit them in the arm)

IF A BOY HAD GOTTEN A ‘SPECIAL’ VALENTINE CARD
from one of the ‘delicate’ boys…
WHOA BOY !!!
You’re asking for trouble… unless YOU were on the same team !
I shudder to think what would happen
if a straight-high school-athlete got a romantic card
from a ‘delicate’ boy !!!

Even if YOU can shrug it off…
there might have to be some peer-pressure
retaliation to save your own image !

ADULTS CAN RIDE THE ‘HIGH-HORSE’…
BUT DON’T EXPECT ‘MODERN THINKING’ IN SCHOOL…
especially if you ‘lust’  after the wrong team…

I THINK THE PROBLEM IS THAT SOCIETY
EXPECTS ME TO ACCEPT EVERYONE ELSE…
(and I do, always have)
BUT WHY DOESN’T EVERYONE ELSE
HAVE TO ACCEPT OTHER WAYS OF THINKING ?
(sometimes you’re only ‘right’ for yourself)

Schools may teach sensitivity to other cultures,
but they mean other religions…
god forbid you bring up christianty though !!!
(aclu time)

Schools have gotten rid of SLAVE AUCTIONS…
innocent way to create funds…
you bid.. someone carries your books all day !
(no one ever felt it glorified slavery)
HOW ABOUT CALLING THEM ‘BUTLER’ AUCTIONS?

NEXT TO GO ?
VALENTINE CARDS & GIFTS IN SCHOOL !!!
Little Johnny or Little Susie ?
There’s a chance they may get their feelings hurt !

WE CAN’T HAVE THAT !!!

Plus… many school systems have a bug-up-their-asses
because of CHRISTMAS… er… HOLIDAY FESTIVAL now !
HOW CAN THEY CELEBRATE A SAINT DAY,
SAINT VALENTINE,
WITH A CLEAR CONSCIENCE ?
It’s evolved above the religious ?
YEAH RIGHT…
(Let me go say a prayer to Rudolf, the Red-nosed-saint !)

and I don’t want any Valentine cards
from male RIP readers…
it would STILL be very uncomfortable to me…
(and my wife)
I don’t want any now…
and I ESPECIALLY didn’t want one in the 5th grade !!!

(wow.. that was a ramble… must still be a bit sick)
(( my mind should be back soon ))

___________________

from LAFFADADAY…

When I checked into my motel,
I asked the lady at the desk:
“I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.”

“No,” she said,
“it’s regular porn, you sick bastard.”


_________________

Okay… I tried to take the easy way out of snow removal…
Someone stuck a flyer in my railing…
SHOVEL YOUR DRIVEWAY AND PATH
($25 or $35.. depending)
Sounded fair enough… I played phone tag with the guy…
it was supposed to snow for a day and a half straight thru…
I just wanted to make sure he didn’t start too early,
and I’d have to do it all over again when I got home…
(I would have paid a bit more for the extra work)

About mid-day there was a missed call on my cell phone…
turned out to be some (now older) kid
who used to cut my lawn years ago…
Seems he knocked on my door,
and was under the impression that my daughter
told him to go ahead and shovel…
Him being almost done when I got thru to him,
I went with the flow and ended up paying $40
for a 1pm job that was completely covered
by the heavy snow of the next 6 hours !
(my daughter denies all responsibility)

I ended up, home from work, tired, wet, & snow covered…
One of the township’s snowplows was at the corner,
2 doors down from my house,
and they very nicely (when I asked),
plowed my side of the street very close to the curb…
(done in 2 passes, told me to drive around the block a few times)
The plowing caused the driveway entraces to be blocked by snow,
BIG TIME… giant boulders of snow in the way…
I got to work.. cleaned my stairs, my walk…
then the driveway.. then the blocks of snow…
My neighbor.. seeming to be angry (at me?)
was complaining about it being the 3rd time
she was out shoveling !!!
(the snowplow made number 3 necessary)
(in the morning the plow made it 4)

I REALLY FELT LIKE BRINGING UP MY OWN BAD DAY !!!
I PUT IN A FULL DAY’S WORK… (a day-and-a-half’s)
AND I WAS OUT THERE SHOVELING THE SAME AS HER !
(and I didn’t have a plow on my vehicle like ’someone’ else did)

BUT I NEVER GO AT THE NEIGHBORS…
I FIND THEM VERY AMUSING…
and it disappoints me that some of my best material,
can’t be used… in case the neighbors check out RIP !!!
Although, alot of their antics might end up on my sitcom…


__________________

DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE ?

The FIRST blizzard hit Washington, DC on a saturday,
so, of course, they shut down the gov’t and ALL gov’t workers
took Monday & Tuesday off…
The SECOND blizzard hit DC on Wednesday
(with plenty of warning)
So, of course, shut down the gov’t and stay home
Wednesday & Thursday !
WELL… FRIDAY & MONDAY  ARE HOLIDAYS
(for Lincoln & WASHINGTON)
SO IT’S TURNED INTO WINTER BREAK !!!
(must be nice, these were all work days for me)

THE POINT I’M GETTING TO ?

THE COUNTRY SEEMS TO RUN JUST FINE,
MAYBE BETTER,
WHEN EVERYONE IN WASHINGTON
STAYS AWAY FROM THEIR ‘WORK’
AND STAY HOME…

THE COUNTRY’S RUNNING JUST FINE ?

MAYBE BETTER !!!
(what DO they do to screw things up on a regular basis?)

AND SHAME ON WASHINGTON, DC !!!
Here in New Jersey we were struck by the same 2 blizzards…
(I know they’re not used to snow)
Within 12 hours after the final snowfall (17 inches),
roads were mostly clear and business went on normally.
A Saturday storm in Washington?
They already knew they had to take Monday & Tuesday off !!!

___________________

Since many Valentine couples will
be splurging & having ‘fancy’ meals…

just remember…

The recent heart problems of President Bill Clinton
has brought heart problems to the forefront…
ALWAYS CHECK WITH A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL !

IF YOU EXPERIENCE CHEST PAINS
IN A TOPLESS SEAFOOD RESTAURANT…
FIRST CHECK FOR LOBSTERS !!!




IF YOU FIND CRABS…

THAT’S ANOTHER STORY !!!


___________________

RON & FEZ

can work miracles…

For the 2nd time in 4 years,
they got me to watch a Superbowl !
(I’ve now seen 2 in their entir-e-ty)

They had a TWITTER SUPERBOWL PARTY !!!
I only have an online twitter account,
and only follow them (I need to know what’s going on)…

ANYWAY… thru-out the game
they asked trivia questions for prizes…
One prize per twitterer…
and you wouldn’t know if you won till the next XM show…
I was sure I was in the running
for at least 2 questions and prizes…
EITHER… a $50 proflower.com gift certificate
plus an autographed RON & FEZ t-shirt..
OR
An ADIDAS left-shoe autographed by BRUCE JENNER !

I know it’ll surprise you…
but I was hoping for the gift certificate !!!
(I would have told them where to shove that shoe)

BUT NO, ‘TWAS NOT TO BE…

I’m still a loser !!!

(the guys showed up in the blizzard to do a show,
one hour of ‘best-of’ & if you ‘bailed’,
you missed the un-announced 2 hours of new, live material  !
THOSE GUYS JUST LOVE TO BE ON THE AIR !)

_______________

A LOSER ?

Perhaps, but I found a theory that might explain
the lack of recognition for my ‘work’…


Few people can see genius

in someone who has offended them.
– Robertson Davies


and if you don’t agree?

” GO FUCK YOURSELF !!! ”


______________

THE SALVATION ARMY

IS ON MY SHIT LIST !

My wife repainted our living room – dining room…
She decided it was time to replace a large piece of furniture.
There was nothing wrong with it…
it wasn’t new, but it wasn’t garbage…
AND I HATE THROWING OUT USEFUL STUFF !
No one I knew wanted it,
I knew if I put it at the curb, someone would take it…
(but the weather has been bad & would have destroyed it)

OKAY… IT WAS A TV-STEREO TYPE CABINET,
all equipment behind solid, cabinet doors…
5 feet (or so) long, buffet-table high…
not an assembled one… solid cherry wood…
IT’S BEAUTIFUL… I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY
TO KEEP IT FOR ANOTHER 20 YEARS !
(the non-wide screen tv area could be used as a bar)

I could see this being snapped up at a Salvation Army Store
by an older person (with older tv),
and being the perfect furniture piece for the old-timer !
My daughter suggested an arty-type college person
might (argh) paint it or decorate it…
AND YOU READ ABOUT FIRES IN THE WINTER
WHERE PEOPLE LOSE EVERYTHING…
(this item was very use-able, and fancy)

IT REALLY WAS NICE !

A Salvation Army pick-up was scheduled…
they missed the first date, made the 2nd…
(this thing was taking up room my wife wanted to reclaim)
The guys walk in the house…
(didn’t even test it’s weight with a lift … it’s heavy)
and say…
” IT DOESN’T MEET OUR STANDARDS !!! ”

I guess it’s nice to know they are doing so well,
that they have ’standards’ !!!
No one I tell the story to can believe
they turn ANYTHING down !!!
(unless garbage)

GARBAGE ?
It was in the room where my wife naps
and my young children play with their toys !!!
(godfather 2 quote… I’ve been itching to use that one)

WELL.. IT IS GARBAGE NOW !!!
SOMEHOW MY WIFE PUSHED IT TO THE DOOR,
ROLLED IT DOWN THE FRONT STEPS…
AND LEFT IT, NOW SCRATCHED QUITE ALOT,
ON THE LANDING FOR ME TO SLIDE
OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE,
WHERE IT WILL NOW BE DIS-ASSEMBLED
(with a hammer)
AND GRADUALLY PUT IN A GARBAGE CAN !!!

THOSE BASTARDS !!!

I’M THINKING THERES’ SOMETHNG FISHY
GOIND ON OVER THERE AT THE NEWARK, NJ
SALVATION ARMY HEADQUARTERS !

There’s something that just didn’t add up !!!

addendum…
I don’t know when it’ll be gone…
by tomorrow nite it should be covered
by 18 inches of new snow !!!
Even if it’s not garbage now.. it will be soon !

______________________

HEY.. NO ONE IS FOR THE WAR ANY MORE !

Me?  I think the troops should be home…
(there WERE campaign promises)
but it must look different from the inside…
AND THERE’S ALWAYS BUSH TO BLAME !

BUT I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IDIOTS
CLAIMING TO SUPPORT THE MILITARY,
BUT NOT THEIR ACTIONS…
IF YOU’RE AGAINST WHAT THEY DO,
ARE YOU REALLY SUPPORTING THEM ?


“The White Stripes support this nation’s military. …
We simply don’t want to be a cog
in the wheel of the current conflict,”
the band said in a statement posted to its Web site.


AND I’D LIKE TO ADD…

” I don’t support titty-bars, but I DO support

the bare-breasted women who work there ! “

that makes about as much sense…

(I’m also anti-strip clubs, but pro-strippers,
what those poor girls are forced to do

to pay their tuition at medical school !)

______________

The SUPERBOWL MONEY-PEOPLE

HARDLY EVER GET ONE PUT OVER ON THEM…

(they like to squeeze every nickel)

but the television ad for a gay dating-type site ?

These people put together a commercial
you could have made on a camcorder…
but claimed to be willing to pay $3 million
to get it aired during the Superbowl…

I WONDER IF THEY’D HAVE SHIT-IN-THEIR-PANTS
WONDERING WHERE THEY’D GET THE MONEY
IF THE AD HAD BEEN ACCEPTED ?

(probably why they threw in the black guy with the chicken)
((THEY DIDN’T WANT TO TAKE THE CHANCE))

AND THE RESULT WAS 10’s OF MILLIONS WORTH
OF PUBLICITY WITH IT COSTING THEM NOTHING !

BRILLIANT !!!
(and screw them money-grubbers…
can’t say ‘SUPERBOWL’ must say ‘BIG GAME’…
sue-ing small t-shirt outfits for using ’superbowl’ colors,
or un-trademarked team phrases)

________________

I walked into my dentist’s office…
several of the ‘working girls’ were present…

So I asked them to help me out…
I just started using a lip balm
that claimed to make my lips ‘kiss-ably soft’
and I wanted to take a survey !!!

It was cute, and they went along with it…
but then the dentist tried to slip-me-the-tongue !!!

WHAT A CREEPY OLD MAN !!!


__________________

Well…

This issue finally got done..

.
the snow really took a toll on me…

But before I go…

I’d like to wish all the lovers a

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY,

go out, get laid…

and not wanting to leave

the married people out…

YOU have a nice

VALENTINES DAY TOO !!!

____________________

COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

Opposing opinions are welcome,
but since i’m the only employee of RIP,
you’re wasting your time…

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OCCASION RIP BANNERS
& ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist
TISH (PILLBUG)
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