† RIP Renfield #534 – COLD? WATCH TV †

***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY,
AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS  IN RIP***

(except for the stuff I make up, lie about,
or receive  mis-information about)

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Don’t be a stranger,   you can contact me  at…
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† RIP Renfield  #534 – COLD? WATCH TV  †

January 9, 2010

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This past week, and the one to come

are why winter sucks the BIG one !!!

Unless you find a kinky ’snow bunny’
(like in the banner above)
who likes to get naked outside and play
‘FROSTY-THE-SNOWMAN’ sex games with you !!!

If you don’t find her…

winter sucks even more !

BITTER COLD !!!
The extreme cold with no breaks just wears you down…
Even local trips to visit, or to the store, are curtailed…
I’M GLAD I’VE MADE THE INSIDE
OF MY HOUSE COMFORTABLE !
(I can hide here forever)

My winter theory gets the test again…
I say that we get 4-6 weeks of winter !
EARLY or LATE… BUT IT ADDS UP TO 6 WEEKS !!!

If the REAL COLD starts in early December (like this year)
by mid-to-late January it moderates
and the temps in the high-30’s to mid-40’s…
(with at least on 65-70 degree day in February)
Of course you can perhaps throw in the occasional
shitty day.. ice cold or snow…
but for the most part, winter will have subsided !

If December and January are moderate…
the 6 weeks of REAL WINTER come later…

AND IF AL GORE COMES THRU…
No snow, reasonable cold, and very pleasant, sunny weather…
(along with decreasing polar ice)
for the entire season… rare, but it happens !

____________________

R.I.P

LESTER GRUBER
aka
CARL BALLANTINE



Carl Ballantine was an American actor, magician and comedian.
Billing himself as “The Great Ballantine,” “The Amazing Ballantine”
or “Ballantine: The World’s Greatest Magician,”
his vaudeville-style comedy routine involved transparent
or incompetent stage magic tricks,
which tended to flop to the wisecracking Ballantine’s mock chagrin.

Steve Martin says Ballantine influenced him
and a generation of magicians and comedians.

Probably because I’m the right age…
but Carl will always be LESTER GRUBER,
one of the crew on the PT boat commanded by
QUINTON McHALE on McHALE’S NAVY tv show !!!
(and many other tv appearances, including the tonite show)
He also did voiceovers in many cartoons and commercials.

_________________________

It struck me that the perfect movie
for this past NEW YEAR’s EVE

would be the sequel to 2001: A Space Odyssey…

2010
(as in the ‘new’ year? and continue-ing saga of Dave Bowman)

Going thru the TV schedule,
I was very happy to see that TCM had the same idea…
and was showing the movie at 8pm New Year’s Day !!!
(as opposed to the horrible choices AMC has been making)

LOVE IT !!!
Got there for the opening credits…
and stayed to the end !

I could never figure my constant entertainment by the film,
no matter how many times I’ve seen it…
I say this because…
NOTHING HAPPENS IN THE MOVIE !!!
It’s basically an outer-space, slice-of-life,
tie-ing up loose ends kind of movie !


THOUGH… I EMPATHIZE WITH ONE SCENE IN PARTICULAR…
John Lithgow monitors his new Russian buddy
in a small craft ‘buzzing’ the monolith around Jupiter…
Lithgow seems more angry than sympathetic
that the Russian cosmonaut dies !!!

I felt the same way (angry) that my buddy
VINCE GORDON
died at the beginning of 2009.
I MISS THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH !!!
HE’S REALLY LEFT A ‘HOLE’ IN MY LIFE !!!
WHY WAS HE IN SUCH A HURRY !!!
HE KNEW HOW MUCH I DEPENDED ON HIS FRIENDSHIP !
(REST-in-PEACE, BUDDY)

_________________

SELLING A HEALTHCARE PROGRAM
TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE..?

I could very easily get on-board whole-heartedly…

IF
it’s made MANDATORY that ALL
elected & appointed to national office,
and their families, get THEIR health insurance,
and level of coverage,
from the same ‘trough’ that the average american
will get theirs from !!!

ACTUALLY, IT MIGHT GUARANTEE
THAT THEY PUT TOGETHER A GOOD PLAN…
(they always seem to take care of themselves)
((let the american people go along for the SAME ride))

AND REALLY…
I CAN’T THINK OF A REASON
FOR THEM NOT TO BE PARTICIPANTS !

LEAD US BY EXAMPLE !!!


_______________________

EVERYONE MUST HAVE HEARD ABOUT
NYC’s TAX DOLLARS AT WORK BY NOW…

They found $32,000 (chump change)
to pay for pamplets to teach
HEROIN USERS
how to ’shoot-up’ safely !!!
(a how-to manual for drug addicts)

Of course, this is only the start…
There has to be a law in there somewhere
that will force them to put the pamplet out in…
BRAILLE, SPANISH, CHINESE, VIET NAMESE, ETC.
That could run into some REAL money !!!

WHY NOT JUST PUT THE PAMPLET ONLINE ?

NOT ALL HEROIN MAIN-LINERS HAVE COMPUTER ACCESS ?

The same people that WON’T read the pamplet,
WON’T  go online to read it either !!!

My single-page pamplet ?

DON’T SHOOT-UP, IT NEVER ENDS UP WELL !
(not advice on how to shoot-up properly)

It’s said that people have to hit rock-bottom
before they fight their way back…
What’s the good of ‘enabling’,
and keeping them above the ‘fall’ ?

AWW… THEY HAVE A DISEASE ?

THE FAMILIES SUFFER WAY MORE
THAN THE NON-CARING, BRAIN-DEAD, ‘AMNESIAC’,
SHIT-HEADS WITH THE NEEDLES !!!

(we’ve dealt with substance abuse in my family
(not by blood), and it would have improved
quality of life for all involved had they died a decade or 2 earlier…
abusive to the wife & embarassing for the kids…  good riddance !
BUY THE STRONG STUFF.. & STICK THE NEEDLE IN YOUR HEART)

________________

why worry ?

Nature is trying very hard to make us succeed,
but nature does not depend on us.
We are not the only experiment.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

_____________________


JERSEY SHORE
RE-VISITED…

New Jersey legislature, the town of Seaside Heights,
and Italian-American organizations,
are unanimous in shutting down the show !!!
and have instead made it MUST-SEE-TV !!!

NOT MY KIND OF SHOW…
I FIND IT UN-WATCH-ABLE…
but due to the ‘man’…
I find I have to watch at least enough of it
to be able to speak ‘intelligently’ about the show.

In essence,
the show is about a bunch of jerky, young adults,
who were sought out for their quirkiness,
prodded to ‘ramp’ it up a bit to be chosen…
acting in a manner that makes them look like a-holes…
(the fun part? they don’t know they are a-holes)
but in reality represent a real sub-culture !!!

I don’t think them representative of ALL Italians,
I know they don’t represent most New Jersey-ites,
but I defy ANY group to deny these jerks exist !!!

THE ONLY PROBLEM IS AIRING OUT
YOUR NON-FLATTERING STEREO-TYPES IN PUBLIC !

AND THEY GO WAY BACK…
Saturday Night Fever ?
The FONZ ?
ROCKY BALBOA ?

ALL CUT FROM THE SAME CLOTH !!!
(it’s a tv show, either laugh along or don’t watch)

____________________

WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE ABOUT
JERSEY SHORE ?



In addition, the show has pointed out
how well the state of New Jersey is doing
in these horrible economic times…

We’re doing so well, that politicains have time to spare !
They are using their offices and time to rally against a tv show !
I GUESS WITH EVERYTHING ELSE FIXED,
we don’t need the jobs tv production brings to the state !


____________________________

I’M NOT EXACTLY AN ANIMAL LOVER…
but I am a ’softie’…

When one of the kids (kid?) went to New Zealand
to follow a girl and live there…
HE LEFT HIS CAT BEHIND !
The cat had lived in my house for a year or 2
(the sex partner of one of ours, and father of 2 others),
then in our house in Pennsylvania for a few…
then the kid went to New Zealand for 4 or 5 years…
leaving the cat with us all that time…
adding to our already out of control cat population…
WE WERE UP TO 7 AT ONE TIME…
One didn’t like the crowd and moved in with another family,
another just disappeared one day,
and a month or 2 ago, I took one to a non-kill shelter…
and then there were 4 (mom, dad, 2 kids)…

The New Zealand kid moved back to the states…
but not ours.. he’s been in Colorado for over a year.

NOW.. AFTER ALL THIS TIME…

HE DECIDES HE WANTS HIS CAT BACK
AND WANTS TO TAKE HIM TO COLORADO !!!

The cat is an OLD man now… at least 12 years old
and very comfortable living her for the last 5 years…
The remaining 4 cats all get along nicely.

Hell.. he was a good cat.. he got along nicely with us too !
Always curled up with my wife when she was in bed,
would come over for a ’scratch’ and to cuddle..

The OLD guy slowed down just a bit the last year,
it doesn’t seem fair for him to have to adapt
to a new lifestyle in a more ‘wild’ area,
where he even has to adapt to the weather  (& critters) !
AND TO BE ALONE, AWAY FROM THE OTHER CATS,
FOR THE REST OF HIS DAYS !

I already let it be known that if something bad happens
to that cat, I don’t want to know… make something up !
I don’t want to hear he was attacked or eaten !
I REALLY DON’T THINK
COLORADO WILL BE GOOD FOR HIM !

The cat really resisted being put in the travel kennel,
but an animal would probably do that anyway…

So… one cat went for a ride 2 months ago,
another disappeared right after xmas…
has left the remaining 3 cats a bit un-nerved !
One especially has gotten clingy and affectionate…
never leaving your side…
GEEZ.. I EVEN HAD A CAT SLEEPING WITH ME
THE OTHER NITE !!!

AND THEY’RE AFRAID TO LEAVE THE HOUSE !
The 20 hours-a-day spent outside hanging out
has dropped drastically to about 10 minutes-a-day at most !
(and I have to force them out)

I’M SURE THEY HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OTHER CATS,
BUT THEY SEEM TO BE AWARE OF THEM GONE
AND DON’T WANT TO BE THE NEXT TO DISAPPEAR !!!


THE OLD-TIMER WAS WELCOME
TO FINISH OUT HIS DAYS HERE.

I THINK IT VERY SELFISH TO TRY TO RE-CLAIM
A PET AFTER A BUNCH OF YEARS !
It might give YOU some satisfaction, but it’s not fair to the animal.

4-DOWN, 3-TO GO !!!


______________________

TELEVISION SUCKS…
(and pay channels are a joke.. paying for what?)

If you aren’t into sports, or reality shows…
or CSI’s or Law and Orders…
THERE IS ALMOST NOTHING TO WATCH !!!
Not until the cable channels get their
limited episode ‘hits back on for 5 or 6 week runs !

New Years Day…
I find myself watching (yes, I have no life)
marathons of old (but great) TV shows…
Barney Miller, Honeymooners, Twilight Zone… etc.

and speaking of Twilight Zone…

Jack Klugman was a very respected, serious actor in his day…
(not the later comedy & game show regular)

Jack did a great job on his Twilight Zone appearances…
He did ENOUGH of them… I COUNT 4 !!!
(twice as many as Wm. Shatner)
So Rod Serling either loved Jack’s work,
either that, or Klugman worked cheap !


__________________

on the WGN-TV (from Chicago)…
New Year’s Marathon of the
BARNEY MILLER SHOW
(ensemble, cop sit-com)

They made a very insightful point or 2
about homosexuality on several episodes…
and this was in 1980 !

In this particular episode,
a raggedy arrested person claimed to be
an observer from the future
who would be returning to his own time shortly…
There was another ‘case’ being argued outside his cell
concerning a parental ‘abduction’ by a gay parent…


He butts in and offers some sage advice-info…
HE CLAIMS THAT IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE
THE WORLD WOULD COME TO TERMS WITH SEXUALITY !
That due to over-population and limited resources…
not only would homosexuality be accepted…
IT WOULD BE ENCOURAGED !!!



At which point the ‘flaming’ gay partner, invades his space,
and asks, “what year will it happen?”
THE FUTURE GUY (put-off) CALLS OUT…
” HEY, BACK OFF BUDDY !!! “
(adding a laugh to a very intelligent argument)

AND IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT LOGICALLY…
SINCE PEOPLE AREN’T GOING TO STOP HAVING SEX
(much more so with the poor with limited entertainment options)
HOMOSEXUALITY COULD BE A SOLUTION
TO BOTH OVER-POPULATION & RESOURCE CONSERVATION !

(not for me.. I’m ALL man.. hetero-man… ‘back-off buddy’)

IT REALLY IS SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT !!!
(and something that intelligent about a flash-point subject
being presented to a 1980’s tv audience is astounding to me)

______________________

With so little ‘good’ programming on tv these days…
I find myself ’sampling’ re-run shows
that I didn’t ‘memorize’ the first time around…
(or the 2nd or 3rd time around)

LAS VEGAS

The shows run hot-and-cold…
some very interesting, some just plain suck !
But one thing they take full advantage of ?

BOOBS !!!
(both the ones on girls, and guys like me)

NATURE  WORKING AT IT’S BEST !!!



Very hot women, in very sexy formal evening clothes,
with BOOBS highlighted !!! (exceptionally highlighted)

SO IF YOU’RE A FAN OF TITS
LIKE I AM…
THIS SHOW REALLY KNOWS
HOW TO DISPLAY THEM PROPERLY !!!


___________________

YOU’LL BE GLAD TO KNOW THAT…
The ’security person’ who allowed an unknown person
to enter a secure area by sauntering in thru an exit
at Newark International Airport…
(where one of the 911 planes departed from)
has been disciplined…
HE GOT A GOOD TALKING-TO
AND WAS RE-ASSIGNED !!!

RE-ASSIGNED ?
Is there ANY out-rage? Does anyone think this serious?
THIS A-HOLE SHOULD HAVE BEEN FIRED ON THE SPOT !
THAT, at least, would send a message to all the other
security personnel !!!
If someone was injured due to his lack of attention…
I would haved liked to see CRIMINAL CHARGES !!!
In much the same way that a LIFEGUARD
at the beach, or a pool, is liable for a death
if they are away from their post !!!
(maybe chatting up a girl?)

OR… a ‘track-walker’…
Railroads employ people to physically walk-the-tracks
to find obvious danger from track condition…
IF YOUR SECTION OF TRACK CAUSES A WRECK,
YOU’VE GOT LEGAL PROBLEMS
IF IT WAS AN OBVIOUS, REPORT-ABLE FAULT !

THERE’S A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF RESPONSIBILITHY
THAT GOES WITH THOSE JOBS !!!
(LEGAL RESPONSIBILITY)


on the lighter side…


____________

ANOTHER REASON TO FEEL SECURE ?

Sloval authorities tested their airport security…
Unknown to the passengers, contraband was put
in 8 suitcases at random…
The security people found 7 of them…
the 8th one was in the suitcase of someone
returning to Ireland… it was a small amount of explosives…
(not armed in any manner, it wouldn’t have gone off)
BUT GUESS WHAT ?
The Irish security people found it…
and made the guy’s life hell for 3 days,
until the Slovaks decided to let the Irish authorities
know about their ‘test’ !
(oh, they apologized to the guy too)


_____________________

AND FROM DAVE (SUNSET COWBOY)

Airport Security Gary? I was in NYC in May 2002 -
that was just nine months after 9/11.
After the holiday we returned to the airport (JFK)
to see huge queues of people waiting to have their luggage checked,
so we were prepared for a long wait.

But what do you think happened after the chap responsible
for checking our luggage realised that the airplane was not
going to be able to take off on time?
You got it … he waved us all through unchecked.

So much for your security.
What makes you think it could have improved since?


GOD HELP US !!!

BE ON GUARD TO SAVE YOURSELF,
YOU CAN’T DEPEND ON THE ‘SYSTEM’ !

(and you should have reported that guy)

_______________________

I was a bit ‘wordy’ this week…

kinda too cold for nudity !

BUT I STILL SEEM TO HAVE PLENTY TO SAY…

I should really try comedy one day,
but who wants to laugh in this weather?

YOU LAUGH, YOU COUGH, YOUR RIBS HURT,
YOUR HEAD HURTS,
you start calling me names…
(the same ones you call me when healthy)

SO, READ, STAY WARM…
AND I’LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK…

I’ll be chillin’ till then…

____________________

COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

Opposing opinions are welcome,
but since i’m the only employee of RIP,
you’re wasting your time…

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OCCASION RIP BANNERS
& ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist
TISH (PILLBUG)
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