† RIP Renfield #531 – BEST CHRISTMAS †

***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY,
AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS IN RIP***

(except for the stuff I make up, lie about,
or receive mis-information about)

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Don’t be a stranger,  you can contact me at…
RIPRenfield@aol.com

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† RIP Renfield #531 – Best CHRISTMAS  †
December 19, 2009

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IT’S CHRISTMAS !!!

NO ‘DEAD TRIBUTE’ THIS WEEK !!!

Merry Christmas from

…
The ‘JUICY’ GIRL…
(and from me too)

AND

” YES, SHE IS !!! ”

______________

AN AMAZING THING HAPPENED…

Last weekend my AOL’s started effing up…
I write in AOL 5.0 because when you save text,
it is saved-archived in the same form you see
in the email subscriptions I send to some…
(text, text size, color, pics… ALL OF IT)

BUT… I have to switch to AOL 8.0 to email
the finished product to the email subscribers.
(html stuff to see in full)

So.. out of nowhere, my emails to myself,
with RIP items, start showing up as text ONLY !!!
And there’s no rhyme-or-reason !
Different computers, different AOL versions…
you never know when you’re getting text or regular !
I’m hoping it’s an AOL problem they’ll fix,
not less support for AOL 5.0 !
(I’LL HAVE TO CALL, IT’S STILL HAPPENING)
(SPORADICALLY THOUGH, NO RHYME OR REASON)

BUT THE GOOD NEWS ?
Using AOL 8.0, I accidentally found out that if I cut-and-paste
the RIP issue email into the www.RIPRenfield.com website…
instead of plain black text…
it appears with the same size and color formatting
that the emailed version of RIP has…

YOU SHOULD REALLY CHECK IT OUT…
See the current issue (529 or later)…
and ANY other from the archive…
THE DIFFERENCE IS AMAZING !!!

(Oh Magoo… I’ve done it again)


_____________________

I cut way back
on my Christmas card sending list…
SO IF YOU DIDN’T GET ONE IN THE REGULAR MAIL…

IT LOOKS LIKE THIS…



At first glance, non-xmas season…

it looks like a ‘regular’ work of art…

BUT I’M SURE YOU WERE ALL QUICK ENOUGH
TO SPOT THAT IT’S A ‘PARTRIDGE-IN-A-PEAR-TREE’ !


____________________

Just finished my limited
Christmas card snail-mail list…

SOME WILL BE SURPRISED TO HEAR FROM ME !!!
(that’s the good part)

THE REACTIONS ?
MY GOD, RENFIELD HAS MY HOME ADDRESS !!!
WHY THE HELL DID I EVER GIVE IT TO HIM !!!
I HOPE HE’S NOT DANGEROUS (yet) !!!
Well… if he was, he’d have done something by now !!!
Better send him a card so he doesn’t snap on me !!!

THE USUAL… BUT IT’S FUN !!!

_________________

I MADE A SLIGHT ALTERATION
TO MY USUAL GRAPHIC. THIS ONE ONLY APPEARS
ON MY CHRISTMAS RETURN ADDRESS LABELS…




CAN YOU PICK OUT
THE SEASONAL ALTERATION ?



Psst…
Now that the location of my ’secret lair’ has been revealed…
I’ll be expecting a few extra Christmas cards coming my way !
(HINT, HINT)

I WANT MY  WIFE REALLY SCRATCHING HER HEAD
WONDERING WHERE ALL THE ‘EXTRA’ CARDS CAME FROM…
PLEASE…  IT WOULD BE A REAL KICK FOR ME !!!

___________________

MY MOTHER IS 85…
She only has about 10 years or so to go,
the women on her side live long and look great…
(the guys are lucky if they get to see 80)
BUT WITH THE WEATHER TURNING SO COLD, SO SOON…
I’m thinking I should give her her SNUGGIE before Xmas !
(she crochets, much better than a blanket or shawl)

But the REAL joke for the last few years has been

WHO GETS HER STUFF (when she dies) !!!
(all done with my mother laughing along)

IT PROBABLY MAKES HER HAPPY TO KNOW
THAT HER STUFF IS WANTED AND GOING TO US…
There are already pieces of furniture with nametags underneath
for the person (there are 4 of us) that want to claim it…
(so no one else gets any ideas)

ME ?  I GOT TOO MUCH STUFF OF MY OWN…
I said that I want the big white rock in the front yard…
(they’ve had that longer than they’ve had me)

THAT BEING THE CASE…
This last Thanksgiving when we were all together…
another joke was made about the order of choosing…
By age, of course… which makes me 3rd to pick…

NO ONE TOOK ME UP ON IT…
BUT I OFFERED TO SELL MY FIRST ROUND PICK
FOR $200 CASH RIGHT NOW !!!

(actually, it’s a pretty good deal)
((I think I can get alot more for the pick on EBAY))

_____________________



Not that it ONLY happens at Christmas…
but it’s one of those times I find myself
getting very sentimental & easily moved to tearing-up…
(I come by it thru my dad)

Just the other day it happened
while listening to FROSTY THE SNOWMAN…
and then
GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER !!!

They got as much of a reaction from me

as the end of IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE !!!

___________________

MUSIC, MUSIC, MUSIC
PLAY THE WEEKLY 2-FER…
NAME THAT TUNE QUIZ !!!
——
dave, the exiled !!!

http://en.davidscott.de/
A COMMUNITY PAGE FOR LIKE THINKERS

or dave’s…



http://www.TotalOldies.ning.com
————


LOOKING FOR SOME EXTRA GOOD

CHRISTMAS MUSIC ?

There’s always the ROCHES…
and these perfomances are done LIVE, no over-dubbing…
AN AMAZING AMOUNT OF ACAPELLA ‘NOISE’
FROM THOSE 3 LITTLE GIRLS…



MEDLEY of XMAS CAROLS…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEtSkJDA61g&feature=related

THEIR (famous) HALLELUJAH CHORUS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Lmf4j_isjA&feature=related

______________________


The world is a tragedy to those who feel,
but a comedy to those who think.
– Horace Walpole

MAKES SENSE TO ME !
- Renfield

” SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE,
A COMEDY TONITE ! ”


_____________________

from MEN IN BLACK 2

They played it all weekend, I caught this part twice…
The scene cuts to the little ‘party’ lizard aliens in mid-joke…
you hear the punchline…

” Rectum, damn near killed him! ”
(and they get hysterical)

IN CASE YOU DON’T KNOW IT…
HERE’S THE REST OF THE JOKE THEY LOVE…

Little Johnnie’s teacher asked him how his weekend was.
“Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass,” he said.
She says, “Rectum.” (correcting him)
“Wrecked him?” Johnnie said. “Damn near killed him!”

_____________________


the CAT HOUSE…
(from VICKI – Gilib…)
Russ, my brother, died in June and I found this fantastic place
that takes in cats who need ‘re-homing’ (I had the same problem).

If someone donates $25 to ACPA –
Another Chance Pet Adoption in Des Moines, WA
(www.anotherchancepa.net)
they will receive a free copy of that great book on poker strategy
and cheating, Poker Unchecked by Russ Georgiev, WCP.
The donation is tax deductible & it’s normally $29.95 + on Amazon.
A great Christmas gift for themselves or someone else!
When they donate please have them mention Russ Georgiev.
I also have t-shirts. That email is pokermafiasales@gmail.com

(and condolences on Russ)


____________________


KELLIE  MARTIN

I always send a Christmas card to her home…
(addressed to the family)
no return address so they won’t refuse it without opening.
I no longer send a birthday card…

ONE CARD is creepy enough…

and this way I get to maintain my spot on the kook list !



RECENTLY, I WAS REMINDED OF A STORY
CONCERNING KELLIE FROM YEARS AGO…

I was searching on EBAY for an autograph,
not a problem… I got 2 (real? who knows?)
There were also other items.. mostly videos…
BUT… there was one unique listing…
The seller claimed to have her smock & shoes,
from a role, little house on the prairie type stuff,
her name written in marker inside the shoes & smock.
THE BID WAS QUITE REASONABLE… $30-ish…

I told someone about it and they asked if I bought them…

I said.. ” ARE YOU KIDDING? “

” ABSOLUTELY NOT !!! “
The last thing I need is to drop dead one day
and as they go thru my things…
to find the dress and shoes of a little girl hidden away !!!

I DON’T THINK I’D BE GIVEN
THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT !!!
(more like…” I knew it, I knew something was WRONG with him!”)


______________________

SPEAKING OF BABIES…

My nephew called to see if someone would be home
at my place to babysit his 2 1/2 year old girl for a few hours
one day next week (he’s ‘closing’ on a house)…

My wife wasn’t sure if she’d be around,
so I said my daughter could babysit if wife wasn’t home…

MY DAUGHTER GOT ALARMED !!!
(No experience with toddlers, she didn’t want to kill this one.)
So with my nephew on the phone (listening)…
I explained what her duties would be…
JUST FOLLOW THE KID AROUND
AND TAKE THE KNIVES AWAY FROM HER !

I’m not sure we’ll be the first choice

for babysitting after he heard that !!!

____________________

I finally figured out what was ‘wrong’ (for me)
on the marquee of a major shopping mall here…
MONDAY NITE – SANTA NITE – FOR CATS & DOGS !!!
(a nite for photo-ops, & pets telling Santa what they want)

ARE YOU KIDDING ?
Do it at a pet store, not a shopping mall !!!
There is just way too much LIABILITY
if something goes wrong !
(the mall will also be named in the lawsuit)

The nite out might excite the animals
and cause them to ‘act out’ (or bite),
some ‘owners’ may bring their attack dogs
(the rottweiler plays with my grandchildren),
the dogs may not have their shots, who’d know?

PLUS THE BIGGEST REASON AGAINST ?
You may be allowed to bring the animal to Santa’s Village,
but you won’t be allowed to bring them in the stores !
So, people bring their animal and LEAVE !!!
YOU WOULD THINK THE IDEA
WAS TO ATTRACT SHOPPERS !!!

CAN’T SHOP IF YOU HAVE A DOG OR CAT WITH YOU !


Who came up with this brain-storm ?


_____________________

I  SUCK !!!
(hmm.. still no dis-agreement?)

I had an early morning dream
where I was in my single-renfield apartment
of years and years ago…
Sitting on the floor with a woman I know…
Her tube top mysteriously disappears,
leaving her in jeans and bare from the waist up…
(nice, little tits on that ‘mature’ woman)

Next thing you know…
She’s sitting just in front of me…
my front and her back touching…
the fingers on my right hand on the floor,
underneath her leg, but pressed to her thigh…

AND THAT’S IT !!!
What TIGER WOODS gets away with in life,
I can’t get anywhere near…
EVEN IN MY DREAMS !!!

DAMN  IT  !!!

_________________

‘Juicy Girl’ shines up nice…

(I wonder if she does guest appearances in dreams?)

(quite young too, although she’d have to speak for you to be able to tell)


____________________

ITALIAN-AMERICAN ORGANIZATIONS
HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ‘JERSEY SHORE’ ?

It’s not a documentary, it’s an entertainment show !

(I STILL DON’T WATCH SO-CALLED REALITY SHOWS,
THIS ONE INCLUDED… AND NOT BECAUSE OF SUBJECT)

THE FOLLOWING LINK CLIP WOULD GIVE THE RACIST ONES
HEART-ATTACKS IF MTV SHOWED THIS UN-EDITED !!!

(and neither the show or the link from the movie
should be taken as judgement of ALL Italians)

dennis hopper and chris walken/true romance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pm_LbJTvTWA

(and it’s NOT why I linked Kwanzaa & Al Martino
in the same issue… I’m not like that)

Like white people assuming AL SHARPTON
is an official speaker for ALL blacks…
WHO ELECTED THESE ITALIAN GROUPS
TO REPRESENT ALL ITALIANS ?

But I will agree with one of their assessments…
There are PLENTY of nationalities
MTV would NEVER consider doing a similar show about !!!

The show isn’t an indictment
of the New Jersey shore inhabitants…
The idiots portrayed migrate from elsewhere…
THEY DO EXIST & THEY DO CONGREGATE !
You can scan the 50’s to the present
and the same characters existed thru-out !
Isn’t the ‘fun’ of the show watching idiots
who don’t know they are the joke ?

____________________

I know I’m way to subtle for most…
but, just to remind you of the friggin‘ HINT !!!

Take my HINT and send those
snail-mail Christmas (or whatever) cards
to the address contained above…

RENFIELD, BOX 2, ISELIN, NJ 08830  USA

(c’mon give me a break)
(( the cards are out, just sitting there anyway ))

AS AN INCENTIVE…
There will be a few GIFTS  (prize winners)
drawn from the HUGE pile of cards

that should be arriving…
(actually your chances will probably be coin-flip odds)
or you can just send very welcomed holiday greetings
AND ‘SCREW’ ANY PRIZE I MIGHT COME UP WITH !!!

and you can send late…
I won’t be declaring winners until
sometime in January…

———-

http://forgottenhits60s.blogspot.com/

GO TAKE A LOOK AT FORGOTTEN HITS…
(They’re not fussy… I’m even allowed to post with the BIG SHOTS!)

Newest members… Andy Kim & Johnny Tillotson

________________________


You can try but…

YOU CAN’T FOOL ME !!!

I see right thru your disguise…

YOU are STILL ‘Juicy’ !!!
(yeah,boy)

MERRY  CHRISTMAS

and to all a good-nite…

(JINGLE BOOBS, JINGLE BOOBS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY)

____________________

COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

opposing opinions are welcome,
but since i’m the only employee of RIP,
you’re wasting your time…

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OCCASION RIP BANNERS & ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist
TISH (PILLBUG)
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>>>>>TELL YOUR FRIENDS<<<<<

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