†RIP Renfield #512 – SILLY VACATION EDITION†

***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY,
AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS IN RIP***

(except for the stuff I make up, lie about,
or receive mis-information about)

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† RIP Renfield #512 – SILLY VACATION ISSUE †
August 8, 2009

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IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME COMING…
but my summer vacation (2 weeks of it) is here !!!
WHERE AM I GOING ?
A dark room with air conditioning, cable tv, & internet connection !
IT’S ALL I NEED !!!

If you think the 4th of July week I took off
sounds extremely recent…
believe me… it seems like forever !!!
and I REALLY need THIS time off !

I fell asleep for a 3 hour nap after dinner, after work…
First day?
slept till 11am the next morning…
straightened a few things…
then sat down to consolidate my ‘lists’
of things to do and things to buy over the next 2 weeks…

I HAVEN’T DECIDED MY PLANS FOR DAY 2 YET…
(but sleeping late is a priority)
LA DOLCE VITA !!!


NOW
ON TO THE SHOW…
(out of the way Steven Tyler)

_____________________

R.I.P
John Houghtaling
(inventor)

Invented “The Magic Fingers,”
a coin-operated vibrating bed later installed
in motels across America during the ’50s and ’60s.

AND IN HIS HONOR…
If you drop coins in the slot on his tombstone…
his coffin will vibrate…
and so will the ground beneath your feet !

_______________________

CONGRATS  BILL  CLINTON
for over-stepping your wife’s ability
as SECRETARY of STATE
and getting those americans released
from prison in North Korea !!!

SEE WHAT YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH
WHEN YOU’RE NOT FEEDING YOUR DICK ?

GO GET HER, BILL !!!

and now that our people are safe and sound
(stay home next time)

NORTH  KOREA ??
GO FUCK YOURSELF !!!

_______________

not usually sympathetic to IRAN…
It’s easily understandable to me why 3 american ‘hikers’…
who ‘accidentally’ wandered over the border,
are being held… probably as spies,
or at least intelligence gatherers !!!

AND I NOTICE A LACK OF OUTRAGE IN THE USA !
Personally, I think you take personal responsibility
when you get that close to Iran (or make a drug buy in Turkey)
and not drape yourself in your american citizenship !
WHY THE FUCK WOULD AN AMERICAN
TAKE A CHANCE ANYWHERE NEAR
THE IRANIAN BORDER ?
(uh.. we have a history with them?)

IMAGINE IF 3 MUSLIM HIKERS
ACCIDENTALLY WANDERED OVER
THE CANADIAN OR MEXICAN BORDER ?
(or too near a terror-target or military base)
WOULD WE BE ALL THAT FORGIVING ?

STAY AWAY FROM THE BAD GUYS
AND DON’T BREAK ANY LAWS !!!

_____________________

http://forgottenhits60s.blogspot.com/

GO TAKE A LOOK AT FORGOTTEN HITS…
(They’re not fussy… They even allow ME to post with the famous)

___________________

Did you notice VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN
at the BEER SUMMIT ?
(he’s a loose cannon even when sober)

DID YOU ALSO NOTICE HE WASN’T DRINKING ALCOHOL ?

I’m sure this was to avoid any nit-picking criticism
wondering if, while the president was drinking alcohol,
that the 2nd in command still had all his faculties…
(no matter how limited)

plus it evened-out the table…
you know.. boy-girl, boy-girl
or in this case…
black-white, black-white

______________________

SPEAKING OF ‘MAGIC FINGERS’…
my family almost got the credit for their invention…
my grandfather used to tinker alot…
and came up with the original idea of…
THE MAGIC FINGER !!!

but before he got around to adding
the other 4 fingers…
SOMEONE ELSE BEAT HIM TO THE PUNCH !!!

________________

these have been piling up…
it’s now-or-never…

(anybody got any quarters?  I could use some ‘magic-fingers’)

RANDOM  THOUGHTS…

Sarah Palin (not my favorite person)
is accused of ethics violations for setting up
a fund for ‘friends’ to pay her huge legal fees ?

NOT  FER  NOTHIN’…
But didn’t Hillary do the same thing
and trade on her own ‘elected-ness’,
to pay her campaign debt ?
How do you spend more than you have ?
( OH YEAH.. GOV’T !!! )

AND I DON’T REMEMBER ANY FUSS !!!
(I didn’t care for her ‘raffle’… but no one else minded)

_______

The NY tv news stations had video
of people being helped down (with fire dept. equipment)
from the highest point of a ‘broken’ rollercoaster
in a well north New Jersey shore town that’s seen better days…
(and rides that were there to see those days)

THE PAPER CLIP IN THE BICYCLE CHAIN
MUST HAVE BROKEN !!!
I’m barely making that up…
THE SAGGING CHAIN IS QUITE VISIBLE
FROM THE BOARDING AREA !!!

PEOPLE ARE LUCKY JUST TO LIVE THRU THAT RIDE !

_______

the TOTAL ECLIPSE ?
(I think this is very cool & would join in)

In Chinese tradition,
there is a story about a heavenly dog eating the sun.
As the story goes, people would make noise
to scare off the dog and rescue the sun.

________

NEW YORK TIMES

We’ve gotten the sunday newspaper forever…
Maybe my wife reads some of it…
but the selling point for her is the
CROSSWORD PUZZLE in the MAGAZINE SECTION

ANYWAY…
I was using the front section for a doily the other day
(I find the paper un-read-abe & un-interesting…
I’m not looking for ‘textbook’ education on a sunday morning)
and noticed the price…
$ 5 for the sunday paper !!!

GEEZ… THE FIRST PLAYBOY I BOUGHT
WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD WAS ONLY 50 cents !!!
And to tell you the truth ?
Today…  NY Times? I wouldn’t pay $5 for an issue of Playboy !!!
I’ve taken the 12 issuses for $12 (plus postage),
but never renewed at a higher price !!!

THAT’S INSANE MONEY FOR JUST A NEWSPAPER !!!

_______

CORRUPTION IN NEW JERSEY POLITICS ?

When we do something here,
we do it right.. and we’re the best !!!
Even the FBI is shocked by the criminality
that is par-for-the-game here, part of every day life !
And Governor Corzine, THE GUY IN CHARGE,
thinks there is no place for corruption in politics !!!
DUH !!!  What have YOU done about it ?
(besides ignore it, or look the other way)

_______

Some idiot adoption group is urging the boycott
of the movie ORPHAN…
which portrays the adoptee as the child from hell !
(hasn’t this been done to death before with nothing said?)
((  THE OMEN – horror     PROBLEM CHILD – comedy  ))
IT MIGHT DISCOURAGE ADOPTIONS !!!

MY ANSWER ?
IT’S A FRIGGIN’ MOVIE…
If a fictional movie can make up your mind on the subject,
you should not be adopting kids anyway…
YOUR MENTAL CAPACITY IS SUSPECT !!!

_______________
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HEY…
I WAS RECOGNIZED !!!

I was in a STAPLES office supply store…
and ask he salesgirl a question…
Afterwards… notice-ing my ballcap with the RIP logo…

SHE EXCLAIMS…

” HEY… YOU’RE THAT RIP Renfield GUY !!! ”

It’s amazing when that happens…
(especially the first time ever)
and you wonder.. ” how? why? who are you? “

It turned out to be a girlfriend of my daughter
who I had spoken to years before
when she worked at CIRCUIT CITY (before they went under)…
No one she hung with… just a high school classmate…
but she remembered (checked out) RIP
from my shameless self-promotion along with my biz card !

HEY… I’LL TAKE IT !!!

_____________________

okay… the gym shooter ?

I’VE SEEN THE VIDEO
AND HEARD THE NUT’S OWN WORDS…
AND HE’S DESTROYED LIVES
WITH HIS VIOLENT ‘REVENGE’ON THE WORLD…
AND DIDN’T HAVE THE DECENCY TO COMMIT SUICIDE
(as a lone act)

BUT HAD THE GUY IN PENNSYLVANIA
JUST KILLED HIMSELF… ONLY !
The in-depth(?) entertainment shows
masquerading as news shows or debates
of views by wanna-be celeb reps looking for tv time…
WOULD PERHAPS PAINT A DIFFERENT PICTURE OF THE GUY…
(after the fact… I’m see-ing them overly cruel & insulting,
making diagnoses they can’t possibly back up,
BEING THE ‘TOUGH GIRL’ !!)

HE KILLS HIMSELF (only)
AND HIS WRITINGS AND INTERNET VIDEO RAMBLINGS
PLAY TO THE PUBLIC ?
He’s  tortured, frustrated, and LONELY….
Perhaps the POSTER BOY !

HE’S BASICALLY A VICTIM OF ‘ADVERTISING’ !!!
(albeit a sick one who responded in a sick way)
He can’t understand why,
after buying all the items tv and magazine ads told him to,
and presenting himself in they way they told him to,
that the women they promised him didn’t drop into his lap !!!

FORCED SOLITUDE CAN WARP YOUR MIND
AFTER DECADES OF LONLINESS !
(thank god I had the internet)

I DON’T APPROVE OF HIS ACTIONS,
AND CONSIDER HIM CRIMINAL & INSANE…
BUT I UNDERSTAND WHAT TOOK HIM OVER !!!

IN A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT ARENA…
The main reason you never fuck with people ?
Leave them alone if you can’t be ‘decent’ to them…
(although that wouldn’t have helped in the above shootings)
you NEVER know what they are capable of…
YOU might be the ’straw’ that breaks-the-camels-back !!!
something they seem to never be able to get across
to kids in school… a really cruel place you’re forced to attend !

AND LATER, PEOPLE SCRATCH-THEIR-HEADS
AND WONDER WHY THINGS HAPPEN !!!

THE BASTARDS !!!

______________________

I ran into a very pretty girl today…
tall, very thin, shapely, blonde… NICE !!!
I hadn’t seen her in about 10 years…
but had known her and her sister (and family)
since they were kids…

AND I WAS REMINDED OF HER
DOING ME A ‘SOLID’ YEARS AGO !!!

I was at an outdoor high school graduation for one of mine.
After it ended, and in the parking lot…
many people stopped for congratulations & photos…
I was there with my wife, my mother, my sisters…
and the graduate was off somewhere…

WHEN I HEAR (from about 20-30 feet away)…
” GAR… GAR…” (for gary)
and someone waving, calling me over…

It was the afore-mentioned blonde…
now about 22 years old, looking great…
there for her younger sister’s graduation !

She was dressed in business clothes…
nice suit (skirt), heels, great hair & makeup…

I walk over to her (by myself),
and, just as I got there, said to her…
” Don’t flinch… let’s hug and kiss on the cheek…
it’ll drive my family crazy !!! ”
(we weren’t ‘friendly’ enough to do it naturally upon meeting)
(( maybe we were? ))

SO WE HUGGED, KISSED…
I STOOD WITH MY HANDS ON HER HIPS
AS THE HUG BROKE…
had a nice little chat… all smiley…
AND THEN I WALKED BACK TO MY
TOTALLY SHOCKED, JAW-DROPPED FAMILY !

AND MY SISTER GIVES ME A SUSPICOUS…
” Who was THAT !!! ”

AND I GET AWAY WITH A …
” JUST SOMEONE I KNOW…”
and moved on with graduation stuff…

IT WAS GREAT !!!
(if you didn’t notice.. I can be a ball-buster)

________________

AIN’T IT THE TRUTH…

It was beautiful and simple,
as truly great swindles are.
- O. Henry

_____________________

AS FOR HER ?
swindle me, swindle me…

hmm boy.. cherry pie !!!

pic courtesy of ED MARIMBA over at…

http://dontgetthewrongidea.blogspot.com/

DON’T GET THE WRONG IDEA

knows his pies !!!

(but I’m picky.. bad lighting…
her made-up head doesn’t match her ‘pasty’ body)

____________________

Celebs & Sports guys streaming their own personal
video feeds from home can be hysterical…

THE LATEST ?

BASKETBALL’S
Stephon Marbury’s
Free-style’s his introduction to Justin.tv

http://www.justin.tv/starburytv

DONE BOTH LIVE & ARCHIVED…
The way they suck in viewers is to ask you to decide
if he’s just some rich, super athlete being goofy…
or is he smoking crack ?

EITHER WAY
HE CAN BE VERY ENTERTAINING !!!

_____________________

MUSIC, MUSIC, MUSIC
and be sure to
PLAY THE WEEKLY 2-FER…
NAME THAT TUNE QUIZ !!!

formerly…. MYSTERY LYRICS !!!
dave, the exiled !!!

http://en.davidscott.de/

GO TO THE SOURCE, FOLLOW THE LINK

______________________

HELP… HELP… HELP…

It might take a bit more than
MOUTH-to-MOUTH

(but I’m too much the gentleman to request mouth-to-?)

____________________

HANDICAP ACCESS ?

I’ve heard the argument that
handicapped bathroom stalls
should be given the same ‘weight’
as handicapped parking (nearer entrances)…

HUH ?
Whereas I’d never make a ‘handicapper’
wait for me to go first… or get in their way…
BUT IF I WALK INTO A RESTROOM…
(most of the time empty or near empty for me)
I DON’T HESITATE TO USE THE HANDICAPPED STALL !
More room, more comfortable…
and I never even considered that it was there
for exclusive use or ONLY to be used by some…

PARKING IS A DIFFERENT STORY…
Ticket those bastards…
even if… ” I only stopped for a minute ”
EAT ME !!!

and when they put criminal penalties on bathroom stalls,
I WILL OBEY THE LAW… (maybe)

____________________

WHY I DON’T KNOW…BUT…

THIS SUBJECT CAME UP THE OTHER DAY
(dark bathroom, light not working, not trusting aim)
ABOUT A NOVELTY PRODUCT A FEW YEARS BACK…

Installed on (under) your toilet lid…
it glowed red if the toilet seat was down (lid open)
and ‘painted’ a green bullseys when up…
for the guys to aim at…
(preventing messy misses, or falling in)

I COULDN’T FIND THE ONE I REMEMBERED…
BUT MANAGED TO GOOGLE ANOTHER ONE…

The JOHNNY-LITE glows green if the lid is up
and ready for a standing pee-er…
No Light if the lid is down (no falling in)
($13.95 at Lowes or their web site)

BUT MORE THAN THE PRODUCT ITSELF…
THESE WACKY TEXANS PUT OUT THEIR OWN
VIDEO COMMERCIAL… A VERY LOW-BUDGET ONE…
THAT’S ACTUALLY FUNNY…
(funnier than they meant it to be)

CHECK IT OUT…

http://easylink.playstream.com/johnnylight/johnnylightsmall.wmv

__________________

AS I LONGING-LY GAZE OFF TO THE SUNSET…
(it’s okay, you don’t have to get out of the way)

ALL I CAN THINK OF IS…

THE END (s)

(althought it’s ONLY the beginning of MY 2 weeks off work)

____________________

COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

opposing opinions are welcome,
but since i’m the only employee of RIP,
you’re wasting your time…

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OCCASION RIP BANNERS & ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist
TISH (PILLBUG)
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RIP Renfield available on the internet at…
www.RipRenfield.com
or email
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