†RIP Renfield #479 – CHRISTMAS DOUBLER †

***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY,
AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS IN RIP***

(except for the stuff I make up, lie about,
or receive mis-information about)

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come visit, we can trade ‘adds’ as friend at…

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or for email subscriptions, or to contact me…
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† RIP Renfield #479 - CHRISTMAS DOUBLE ISSUE †
December 20th, 2008

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merry christmas

I managed to find ANOTHER
beauty of a Christmas tree again this year !!!

Luckily, I always take my tree stand
to make sure the tree will fit…
And since my wife insists on smaller trees every year…
The problem is more that the trunk is too small, not too big.
I was forced to buy a smaller stand while in Home Depot.
(the very large home improv. warehouse store has great trees)

So I was able to put the tree directly into the stand…
and place (standing) in my shopping cart.
Of course… the ONLY open cash register was at
the exact opposite end of the story… (a long walk)
I blind-ly pushed the high tree thru the store,
finally getting to the cash register…
where… I was 4th in line…
and 2 idiots ahead bought out the store
(5 minutes before the store was due to close)

as they went out the exit…
I called to the female cashier…

” HEY… THIS WAS ONLY A SEED WHEN I GOT ON LINE ! ”
(not insultingly.. we had a good laugh)

and the rest is history…
and now…
the 2008 RENFIELD Family CHRISTMAS TREE…

  BEFORE…
(I can spot ‘talent’)

AFTER…

I do it again… another  beauty !!!
I’m able to combine my ‘eye’ for a great tree,
my take-as-much-time searching as you have to attitude…
and my CHEAPNESS !!!   To always find a great tree !

My wife requests our tree smaller & smaller each year…
but if you start with a taller tree & have then ‘trim’ it
at the tree place (I go to Home Depot or Loews)…
you can find a gem inside a lump of coal…
(just remember to tip the guy for his trouble)

___________________

R.I.P
Andre Tchaikowsky

The skull held aloft by actor David Tennant (Doctor Who)
in the Royal Shakespeare Company’s Hamlet was a real one.
Pianist Andre Tchaikowsky left his skull to the RSC
when he died in 1982 in the hope it would be used on stage.
But since his death at the age of 46,
it had only been used in rehearsals.
Tennant held it on stage during the famous
“Alas, poor Yorick” scene in 22 performances
at the Courtyard Theatre, in Stratford-upon-Avon.

 THE STORY OF THE SKULL
Mr Tchaikowsky, a composer and concert pianist,
died of cancer in 1982 & donated his body for medical science.
In his will he wrote that his skull “shall be offered by the institution
receiving my body to the Royal Shakespeare Company
 for use in theatrical performance”.
Since then it has only been used in rehearsals
because no actor felt comfortable enough using it on stage.

RSC curator David Howells:
“We hope Mr Tchaikowsky would have been pleased
 that his final wish has been realised
 in Gregory Doran’s acclaimed production of Hamlet.”

FINALLY ABLE TO…

_________________________
 
 

I may be off base here…
(I’m not a mall rat)
but I haven’t hear any fuss this year
about retailers NOT ‘mentioning’ Christmas
in their stores or their advertising…

This occurred to me
when I saw a few retail television commercials
‘blatantly’ throwing the ‘C’ word around !

I googled a web site that claimed that 89%
of advertising on television leaves it out !
(and listed more than a few large retail chains)
(but it had a copyright date of 2005)

I’M THINKING IT’S ABOUT DOLLARS THIS YEAR !!!
With the state of the economy & retailers taking a bit hit,
there are more important things (like survival)
than to  cow-tow to the individual complainers
and the over-the-top politically correct a-holes !

SO “CHRISTMAS” IS A GOOD WORD TO THROW AROUND,
WHEN YOU NEED THE ‘BELIEVERS BUSINESS !!!

WHEN THE ECONOMY REVIVES…
IT’S BACK TO BUSINESS AS USUAL !!!

THE BASTARDS !!!

_____________________

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED ?
 
Like in the case of Christmas,
or girls in the Boy Scouts,
or whatever is a successful,
or good intentioned holiday, or group…

PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO DESTROY THE GOOD,
TO BE OVERLY-FAIR TO ONES THAT THINK DIFFERENTLY,

SCOUTS ?
IF YOURS IS BETTER THAN MINE…
DESTROY IT…
DON’T WORK TO MAKE YOURS BETTER !!!
(even though it may take time)

AND IN THE CASE OF CHRISTMAS ?
I can see a difference between Christ and Santa,
it’s kinda obvious…
the church is as annoyed with Santa as any atheist !

AND I DON’T HEAR ANYONE FIGHTING
TO GET RID OF SAINT VALENTINE’S DAY !!!
So I guess religious aspects can be transcended !

_____________________

An atheist sign criticizing Christianity
that was erected alongside a Nativity scene
 was taken from the Legislative Building in Olympia, Wash.,
 and later found in a ditch.

What a nasty thing to do !!!
Not stealing the sign, but putting it up in the first place.
WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO PISS ON YOUR PARADE ?

The sign doesn’t promote THEIR beliefs…
it’s inflammatory & insulting to those who believe differently !

If they’re so upset by Nativity scenes…
I’d like to suggest to them a few christain neighborhoods
in ethnic or ghetto areas !!!

It’s easy for them to get on their high-horse
when they feel the ones they insult won’t fight back…
I’D LIKE TO SEE THEM REALLY TEST THEIR IDEALS !!!

I’ve seen Indian celebratory decorations,
I’ve seen Jewish celebratory decorations,
I’ve seen many other ethnic & religious groups celebrate,
and, ya know…
I, personally, don’t celebrate with them…
but I have no problem with their celebrations !
 CHRISTIANS ARE FAIR GAME !!!
(by the way, Christmas is the ONLY recognized national holiday)

COMPLAIN TO YOUR CONGRESS-PERSON…
DON’T INSULT THE BELIEVERS !

Who’s the knuckle-headed gov’t official who allowed
 that kind of language on a sign placed on public land ?

_____________________

TALK ABOUT GRINCH ?

Louisville, Ky., boosters say the city’s
annual Christmas celebration will go on as scheduled
despite last-minute changes made to mollify Dr. Seuss’s
lawyers. Light Up Louisville was supposed to have a “How
the Grinch Stole Christmas” theme this year but that plan
caught the eye of Seuss Enterprises in San Diego, which
sent attorney Barbara Orr to point out copyright issues
to the city. Orr fired off a cease-and-desist letter to
the Louisville Convention and Visitors Bureau.

ISN’T THAT MORE FREE PUBLICITY FOR SEUSS ?
AND KIDS CLAMORING FOR MORE MERCHANDISE ?
NOT TO MENTION GOOD WILL ?

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TO,
YOU MOTHER-EFFERS !!!

_______________________

NEW ‘OF-AGE’ GIRLS NAKED ?
Is there something wrong with enjoying it ?

THE GIRL IN QUESTION WAS THE HARRY POTTER GIRL…
HERMIONE (emma watson) !

I heard a discussion on a couple of radio shows…
most of the guys thought the newly legal aged girls fair game…
one of them (rumored to be gay) thought it was creepy…
like see-ing a niece naked !

Actually, it’s usually a planned right-of-passage
from childhood roles to more adult roles…
I’M NOT A KID ANYMORE !!!  SEE MY TITS ?
(but even Harry Potter showed his ‘junk’ on-stage)

AND IF YOU LOOK JUST AT THE SHORT LIST…
I DON’T EVER RECALL IT BEING A PROBLEM…

Alyssa Milano, Christina Ricci (nice rack),

even that slob Drew Barrymore !!!

A GOOD RULE-OF-THUMB TO SPOT THE CUT-OFF ?
(brought up by Anthony Cumia – Opie & Anthony)
is if the girl still smells of…
BUBBLE-GUM & HOMEWORK !!!

(a line that had me laughing, and IS true)

(MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME !!!)

____________________

 
IF YOU SEE THIS WOMAN
PLEASE CONTACT
YOUR LOCAL AUTHORITIES

_______________________

 
IF YOU SEE THIS WOMAN
PLEASE CONTACT ME !!!

Olga Kurylenko

I can’t find a picture of her that does her justice.
She’s the ‘Bond girl’ in QUANTUM of SOLACE.

I enjoyed the first half of the movie more than the 2nd…
It got a big muddled and the ‘crime’ was almost silly.

Now this one?

SHE WEARS THAT LITTLE BLACK DRESS
EXTREMELY WELL !!!
and she’s made up… dark.. very dark… IT WORKS !!!
I wasn’t sure if she was hispanic, black, a combination?
or whatever…   but I WAS IN LOVE !!! (for a few hours)

Going thru dozens of ‘other’ pics of her…
I’m amazed at her ‘look’ in the movie…
somehow, someone saw a different person
than she generally appears (and that is great)…
AND CREATED THE BOND GIRL LOOK IN THIS MOVIE !!!

I’ve seen it before…
how someone looks very much different in
‘walking around’ photos…
then they are made to appear on the screen…

SCREEN MAGIC I SUPPOSE !

_______________________

 
 if movies are your forte….
 
MYSTERY MOVIE QUOTE  WAV’S ARE E-MAILED DAILY….
a Wav & a Clue,    is it New ?,   a Classic ?,   or a Rarity ?…
to get in on the fun (and the mailing list)
email  —>   TheOneBuff@aol.com
OR USE THE LINK—> Sign Me Up For Buffery
join the BUFFERY, AND GET BUFFER-IZED…
(remember to open your e-mailboxes to game senders.)

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A CLOSE CALL…
It would have ruined MY holiday !!!

I left for work… and on a wide MAIN street
I was driving 20-25 mph.. THANK GOD !
(and thank God I was on the look-out)
4 blocks from my house…
A, loaded with children, school bus
‘RAN’ a stop sign !!!

I was able to stop (without leaving rubber on the road),
but the front of my car was just a few feet away
from hitting the school bus broad-side !!!
(I leaned on the horn to let the driver know how close it was)

I’M NOT CERTAIN…
BUT I HAVE A FEELING
I’D HAVE BEEN THE MAIN CASUALTY
IF I HAD BEEN DRIVING FASTER
AND IF I HAD BEEN LESS ALERT !!!

THE BASTARD !!!
IT WAS PROBABLY A WOMAN BUS DRIVER !!!

(my heart was pounding for the next hour)

AND I DID REPORT IT TO THE BUS COMPANY…
SAID THEM…
“If you didn’t get the bus number, blah, blah, blah…”

MY REPLY…
IT WAS THE ONE AT THE CORNER OF TYLER & JULIUS,
AT 7:45 AM, THE ONE WITH ALL THE SCREAMING KIDS IN IT !!!

__________________________

(another Jim Morrison reference coming up)

This is the best part of the trip.
This is the trip, the best part
I really like it.
Deer woman in a silk dress,
Girls with beads around their necks,
Kiss the hunter of the green vest
Who has wrestled before
With lions in the night.

and so-on-and-so-forth….

“When all else fails,
We can whip the horse’s
Eyes and make them sleep and cry.”

_________________________

FUN WHERE YOU FIND IT ?

On the busy streets of Manhattan
the ’strollers’ have created a ‘new’ game
to amuse themselvess on their walks…

“BLUE-TOOTH or CRAZY”

When you see someone walking towards you,
and they are talking to themeselves…
(hand & arm gestures optional)

YOU TRY TO CALL IT
BEFORE YOU SEE THE EARPIECE !!!
(to be fair… there are more crazy than you think)

_______________________

MYSTERY LYRICS -  the SITE !!!
www.MysteryLyrics.info
TEST YOUR MUSICAL KNOWLEDGE….

 CHECK  OUT   CARO…

http://www.caro-fans.com/
(info, audio, & video)

Caro has signed to CDBaby,
Her album “Eternity” is now available !

Eternity was released to critical acclaim !

 http://www.cdbaby.com/caromusic
YOU can listen to, and/or buy, at CDBABY !!!

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I HAD THE COOLEST DREAM
 THE OTHER MORNING…
I was off work.. got up early, put Opie & Anthony on the radio…
and dozed off again for a few hours with the show on…

Somehow I inserted myself in the ‘actual’ show…
I was in-studio.. just about 3rd ‘mic’ (microphone),
sitting at a rounded desk with the guys, part of the show…
I was also in the back room with interns(?),
I had a whole show experience…
IT WAS LIKE REALLY BEING THERE !
(although I have no idea what the studio looks like)
My contribution on-air was about COLD PLAY
’stealing’ that song from guitarist JOE SATRIANI…
There’s a youtube overlay of the 2 songs…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ofFw9DKu_I

DECIDE FOR YOURSELF ?
(psst… I can save you the trouble… EXACT !)

AND, IN THE WORDS OF OPIE…
SATRIANI IS IN FOR A BIG PAYOFF !!!
(actually the song was better with both together)

I pointed out how years ago SATRIANI
did that PETER LEMONGELLO thing…

A little-known singer who made a collection of standards on LP,
and sold the collection by way of television commercials…
HE WAS ABLE TO GET NOTICE AND MAKE A CAREER !
and be the first to sell a million albums by way of tv sales !!!

On-the-show… I told that bit to a very dis-interested Opie…
Shortly after, the intern girls were going out on an assignment…
and I got a kiss on the cheek from the one I was friendlier with…

I GOT UP TO WRITE IT DOWN…
NOW I ‘OWN’ THE DREAM AS IF IT HAPPENED !!!

________________________

Featuring history, updates & present day reviews
of songs & artists that you just don’t hear anymore !
(and special original music series as well)
   Sound interesting??? 
You can now read great stories, and add comments… at…
http://www.forgottenhits.com/
and get on the mailing list !!!
forgottenhits@aol.com
AND DON’T BE AFRAID TO ADD YOUR COMMENTS
TO THOSE OF THE FAMOUS & IN-FAMOUS !!!

_________________

   
toe fungus update…
the PETRI DISH that is my feet…

After the first Listering foot soaking…
I walked around with the rubbing-alcohol-hitting-air feeling,
even though I had socks and shoes on… it lasted a few hours…

The next morning… after my shower…
I saw that the yellow discoloration of my toe nails
had disappeared completely.. MIRACULOUSLY !!!
The toe nails looked completely normal !!!
(will the thickness go away too?)

I’m sure the cure isn’t complete…
but if I repeat the 20 minute soak a few more times…
I THINK THE CURE WILL BE COMPLETE !!!
(and I had this shit for 10 years)

WOO HOO…
Wanna see my feet ?
I want everybody to see !!!

______________________

  
  A NEW SPIN ON RECYLING…

 
SODA —  BAD
(or not as bad as some fluids?)

I got an email from my sister with a cartoon
where someone used empty soda cans and bottles
 to make a christmas tree (I’ll use the pic at xmas)

SHE PREFACED IT WITH…
“with ALL the soda you drink…”
Ya know.. I’ve had it pointed out to me (by family)
that drinking diet soda might be a bad thing…
LIKE I DRINK MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF DIET SODA !
(all I taste from regular soda is sugar, or syrup)

They only notice what I drink at all because
I drink very little alcohol, and NEVER around them…
(last beers? a birthday party I threw 2 years ago for co-workers)
AND I’m fussy about my soda of choice… DIET PEPSI
On holidays, my mother rarely has it…
(she’ll have pepsi, caffeine free, pepsi free, pepsi zero)
so I’ll keep a 2 liter bottle in my car just in case.
It’s all THEY see me drink…
(while they get drunk & later drive, kids in the car or not)

For the record… I drink mostly water… (bedtime till 5pm next day)
During summer I may go thru more evening diet pepsi than usual…
But it’s for re-hydration and I NEED some taste in my mouth !

So I answered my sister saying that I’m okay,
but she should warn everyone else !

Since basically, with my limited choice of drink
(water & diet pepsi),
I avoid the really ‘bad’ drinks people guzzle daily !

I emailed, & then, recited the following to my daughter…
THE BAD DRINK LIST ?
(how many do you have per day?)

Coffee(caffeine), Tea(caffeine), regular soda(sugar),
Beer, Wine, Whiskey(alcohol), sports drinks(chemicals),
Boost drinks(sugar,caffeine), Juice(sugar),
Diet powders(ie, crystal light)—(chemicals),
BOTTLED WATER? - 12 more contaminants than tap water !
MILK (all sorts of nasties),
and pointed out how MILK ages your skin…

AT WHICH POINT MY DAUGHTER STOPPED ME
AND ASKED… “DOES MILK REALLY AGE YOUR SKIN?”

(she caught me)
I SAID…”Nah, I just made that up, but I’ll bet
your Aunt drinks her coffee black from now on ! “

(maybe you had to be there, but we really had a good laugh)

_______________________

I finally shut her down…
(my younger sister)

Instead of a toy for xmas…
I’m getting my newphew’s 1 year old a savings bond…
that kid has so much crap already…
and a doting aunt that goes way overboard for any occasion !

So I called my newphew for the kid’s social security number…
but forgot to write down their address
(and too lazy to locate it in my house)
So as not to look stupid…
I called his mother, my sister, instead…
I got the address, but not the zip code…
Since my other sister lives in the same town as my nephew…
I called her to ask the zip code…

Upon asking for her zip code…
she got LOUD and told me to ‘NOT BOTHER’
sending her a xmas card…
because she wasn’t doing cards this year…
and told me in a no nonsense adamant LOUD tone !!!

I laughed a bit during my response….
she seemed put-out that someone would send a card…
(EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T EVEN ON MY MIND)

I told her… ” DON’T WORRY…”
” I NEED THE ZIP FOR THE BOND, NOT FOR YOU…”

SHE WASTED ALL THAT BLUSTER…
AND I WASN’T SENDING HER A CARD ANYWAY !!!

_____________________

IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE

I just watched my yearly ration,
the last 20 minutes, of the holiday classic.
(like RUDY, much too miserable to watch from the start)
I LIKE THE UPLIFTING, POSITIVE, MIRACULOUS ENDING !

I’ve adapted part of one particular scene into my life…
(made the move years ago)
At the very end of the movie…
The inscription the angel leaves in the gifted book ?

BECAUSE OF THE WISDOM IN THOSE WORDS,
I NO LONGER MAKE or ‘KEEP’ FRIENDS !!!
I don’t ’seek’… I wait… (and wait and wait and wait…)

Thus, eliminating any gray area
and leaving no doubt of my contribution to humanity…

I’M STILL WAITING !!!

______________________

 
 
NOW I TAKE YOU BACK IN TIME…
to December 10th, 2005
the RIP Renfield issue… #321
the ’snow snow snow’ issue…
(we had cold, we had snow)

for the following ‘timeless’ items…
(THAT MEANS I WAS STUCK FOR MATERIAL THIS WEEK)

+     +     +     +     +

Best of the reported protest signs seen at the recent anti-war  
demonstration in Washington, DC:  
“WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE HIM A BLOW JOB  
SO WE CAN HAVE HIM IMPEACHED?”  

“Prince Charles is also known as the Prince of Whales.
Wasn’t that also Clinton’s nickname?”  
     – Jay Leno  

Q. How do you know when it’s time
 to wash dishes and clean the house?  
  
A. Look inside your pants… 
If you have a dick, it’s not time.  

(that’s for all you ‘yes dear’ prisoners)

______________________

According to the Mayan calendar,
 the  end of the world will occur on June 5th, 2012.  

i just have one thing to say as the end approaches…
WHERE  ‘DA  WHITE  WOMEN  AT  !!!

(a note from 2008… I saw gas for $1.41 a gallon)

_____________________

I SAW THIS JOKE MAKING THE ROUNDS…
i hadn’t seen it in a long time, but always liked it…
for your consideration…

A long-haired hippie type is hitchhiking in the deep south…
finally a truck driver stops to give him a lift..
they ride in silence for 20 miles before the hippie says….
“well ?  are you going to ask me ?”
“ASK YOU WHAT ?”
” if i’m a boy or a girl ?”

the truck driver non-chalantly says…
” DON’T MATTER…
I’M GONNA FUCK YA ANYWAY !!! “

_________________________

pickup lines are usually ‘corny’, but every once in a while…
one comes along that a girl can’t help but react to…
and ya get lucky….

HAS THE ‘ROOFIE’ KICKED IN YET ?
   

(AND THAT’S NOT MY FOOT !!!)

________________

AS JIM MORRISON SAID SO WELL….
 

THIS IS THE END…

I MISS THOSE OLD SCHOOL DAYS…
AND I WAS ALWAYS IN FAVOR OF SCHOOL UNIFORMS…
(I wonder if i have her on my speed dial ?)

I’LL CHECK, YOU GO SHOP…

+     +     +     +
 
 
and now I bring you back to the present day…

BUT I’M STILL LEAVING !!!

 
HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE !!!

_______________________

COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

opposing opinions are welcome,
but since i’m the only employee of RIP,
you’re wasting your time…

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OCCASION RIP BANNERS & ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist
TISH (PILLBUG)
——————————

RIP Renfield available on the internet at…
www.RipRenfield.com
and also featured at…
www.MysteryLyrics.info
and make sure to ’surf’ the site…
follow the links and explore… lots of good stuff…
or visit me at…
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>>>>>TELL YOUR FRIENDS<<<<<

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