† RIP Renfield #459 – Life’s a Beach †

***I PERSONALLY VOUCH FOR THE INTEGRITY, ACCURACY,
AND HONESTY OF ALL ITEMS IN RIP***

(except for the stuff I make up, lie about,
or receive mis-information about)

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Don’t be a stranger…
come visit, we can trade ‘adds’ as friend at…

www.MySpace.com/RIPRenfield

or for email subscriptions, or to contact me…
RIPRenfield@aol.com

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† RIP Renfield #459 – Life’s a Beach †
August 2nd, 2008

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THE 3rd TOP BANNER IN THE BEACH TRILOGY ?
A ‘beach-combing’ Mouse ?
Were you expecting something else ?

LIFE’S A BEACH ???

Just when I was starting to enjoy the sunny, warm weather…
I find out that one of the guys I work with
is going on vacation next week !!!
TO THE WILDWOOD, NJ RESORT BEACH TOWN !!!
(4 miles north of Cape May.. one of the finest beaches you’ll ever see)

THE PROBLEM ?
He’s never been there without the ENTIRE week raining !!!
SO… without a weather report,
everyone at work already knows what to expect for next week !!!

I TOLD HIM TO PACK RAIN GEAR !!!

_________________________

Composer Earle Hagen

who gave us the themes to a huge number of television programs
- including “The Andy Griffith Show” (that’s him whistling),
“Dick Van Dyke Show” & “Mod Squad”. He moved to Hollywood
& played in big bands before serving in the Army in World War II.

After the war, he was an arranger on such movie musicals as
“Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”, “Call Me Madam”
and “There’s No Business Like Show Business”.

In 1960, Earle shared an Oscar nomination with Lionel Newman
as musical director for the Marilyn Monroe film, “Let’s Make Love”.
Soon after, he hooked up with television producer Sheldon Leonard,
who started using Earle as his primary composer.

He was given BMI’s lifetime achievement honor in 1987.

I could die happy knowing I wrote just 2…
the Dick van Dyke theme & the Andy Griffith theme !!!
- Renfield

___________________

I just read a wonderful news story
about stupidity and justice…

Instead of just ‘guilty’, incarerated, murderous prisoners
(like Scott Peterson)
taking advantage of the information highway of the internet…

Many prosecutors, especially in drunken driving cases
(where there was death or injury),
look to the internet to justitfy sentencing recommendations…
(Robert Chambers managed to screw himself without the internet)
((the NYC Cardinal vouching for him only effected the Cardinal))

Even when ‘ordered’ by their defense attorneys
to remove incriminating MYSPACE or FACEBOOK profiles,
many people (young & old) don’t take the advice !
(WHO’S GONNA SEE IT ? FREEDOM OF SPEECH)

THE RESULT ?
Instead of probation, sentences ranging from 2-5 years
are given after photographic presentations in court
(easily available on personal internet pages)
of ‘un-remorseful’ offenders (post ‘drunken’ accident),
yucking it up, drink in hand, or in prisoner costume,
or blogging (disrespectfully or jokingly) about their situation !!!

JUSTICE IS SERVED !!!

“…, Drunk & stupid is no way to go thru life”
- Dean Vernon Wormer

This is even better than the local police subscribing
to all the high school yearbooks in the area,
to use as mug-books to identify young criminals !!!

Plus, those personal internet pages just might
keep you from getting that job or promotion !

(do what I do… that RENFIELD guy is an a-hole,
but the guy using my ‘real’ name is pure as the driven snow !)

___________________

FERRIS BUELLER
Renfield has a ‘day off’ experience…?

I left my ‘baby’… my 1992 Dodge Caravan Minivan
at the service station a few doors from where I work…
(very convenient, I use them often)
The car needed it’s bi-yearly state inspection.

I left it befor 8 am, and was happy to see that when
I came back at 10 am to retrieve something out of the car,
that it ALREADY had a ‘passed’ sticker on the windshield !
I was good for 2 more years, it was in good mechanical order.
My Datsun lasted 17 years, I’m shooting for 20 with this one…
(low mile-age, good car)
I don’t think I’ll live long enough to break the record
on another vehicle… who knows? it might be close !
(and there’s always the 25 year mark with this one)

THE NEXT DAY… a co-worker asks me why MY car
was miles away on the other side of town the day before,
and who were those 2 guys getting into it ?
(the RIP sticker in the back window was a give-away)

TEST DRIVE ? JOY RIDE ? LUNCH ?
Any which way… they get a parking ticket? I’m screwed !
an accident? I’m out a ‘nice’ running car with a low blue-book value
and perhaps on-the-hook insurance wise !

I BOUGHT IT NEW, MY VEHICLES LAST !!!

But like FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF…
the ‘parking lot’ guys see a hot car,
and can’t resist taking it for a ’spin’ !!!

(In case of trouble, cheaper for them with an old car, than a new one !)

I’M NOT SURE IF I SHOULD COMPLAIN !!!
I definitely will ‘joke’ about it, next time I’m in there…
BUT I DON’T KNOW IF ‘ANGER’ SHOULD BE INVOLVED !!!

I was better off NOT knowing !!!

_____________________

speaking of cars & new technology…

I saw a small electric car meant for city use on the tv news…
Goes to 25 miles per hour in 10 seconds…
and goes up to 25 miles on a single charge.
(25 is also the maximum speed)

Good for use on city streets with limits up to 35mph.
A battery alarm warns you when it’s time to ‘plug in’…
(by the way, electric outlets are mostly powered by fossil fuels)

Just as I was wondering what ’sound’ they gave the car…
the reporter started talking about riding in silence…
a completely silent car…
one that takes pedestrians by surprise…
(they cross the street not hearing the approaching car)

ARE CAR MAKERS THAT STUPID ?
They could have at least had it ‘hum’
or make the sound of the Jetson’s air-car !!!

A SILENT VEHICLE COULD BE DEADLY !!!

_____________________

BATTERY POWERED CARS ?

Just plug them in over-nite?
Uh… alot of fossil fuel is used in the creation of electricity.
and to charge a battery to capacity,
it takes over 3 times the useful energy you get out of it !

IT’S GONNA TAKE AN ENTIRE NEW TECHNOLOGY
FOR ANY RELIEF FROM BATTERIES !!!

I’ve read that a stretch of road on England
is using one of my ideas from decades ago…

FIND A WAY TO RECOVER THE ‘FRICTION’ or ‘HEAT’
ON WELL TRAVELLED MAJOR HIGHWAYS…

The most crowded (but moving) roads
would be able to use the motion of motor vehicles
to get at least a partial return of wasted energy !!!
(whether it be scattered ‘rollers’ in the road, or heat recovery)

___________________

BUSH BEING A BIT(?) SNEAKY ?
(& smart?)

This move by Bush to ‘remove’
the executive order about drilling for oil offshore…
might actually have some ’smarts’ behind it…
(although it has no ‘muscle’ to act without congress)

Once begun, it will continue on to domestic oil production…
That might put enough of a scare into the oil producing
countries to back-off a bit and increase supplies (cheaper).
It would threaten their future income (gouging) !
THEY DID IT BEFORE WHEN WE HAD
40+ mpg CARS ROLLING OFF THE ASSEMBLY LINE IN 1980 !

Better to throw-us-a-bone now,
so it’s not economical enough & the envriromentalists
will have a better argument !!!

THE ONLY BAD PART OF THIS ‘SECRET’ PLAN ?
If I could think of it, so could ANY moron !!!

_____________________

DID ANYONE NOTICE ?

WHEN’S THE LAST TIME
YOU HEARD OF AN OIL SPILL, OR A TANKER ACCIDENT ?
(nothing of note that has made the news in recent years)

Since oil got so expensive,
the occurences seem very far between…
ACTUALLY NON-EXISTANT !!!

AND WHILE ON THE SUBJECT OF FUEL…
Why are the airlines so against a fuel ‘buffer’ (extra fuel)
on an airliner just in case ? (a reasonable amount)

A WASTE OF FUEL ?
The pilots don’t get to keep the ‘leftover’,
it CAN be used on the next flight.
The only loss is the flight of the ‘weight’ of unused fuel…
and can’t add up to THAT much of a savings !
HOW ABOUT SAFETY FIRST ? NOT CUTTING CORNERS ?

____________________

A co-worker (and his wife) had just returned
afte a week’s holiday at the beach…

In asking how their time at the beach was,
he answered that the water was cold,
and it was ‘69′ for a few days…

Of course I quickly ‘threw in’…

” I’M GLAD YOU TWO COULD
AMUSE YOURSELVES FOR A FEW DAYS,
BUT DID THE WATER EVER WARM UP ? “

(don’t ask me to explain why that’s funny,
just take my word for it… ‘classic renfield’)

____________________

PULL A BONER ?

Your definition, and sex, will be the deciding factor in,
whether or not, I’d be interested in setting up a meeting.

Years ago, a teacher MIGHT use the phrase in the classroom
(later also, but to screams of laughter)…

TODAY?
You’d be in front of the disciplinary committee !!!

_________________

There’s this ‘new’ summer tv drama…
IN PLAIN SIGHT
They’ve been calling it a summer ‘hit’ long before it premiered !

Instead of a tense police drama,
it’s more like the LOVE BOAT, or FANTASY ISLAND…
ALL the ’standard’ plotlines worked into a frame
of ‘hiding witnesses’ in danger of being killed !
A waste of an hour of leisure time !

and as long as I’m on the subject…
I AM TOTALLY OFFENDED THAT SOME AGENCY
HAS THE FUNDING TO RE-LOCATE THESE SCUM-BAGS
(and their families and mistresses)
AND GIVE THEM NEW LIVES, NEW JOBS, NEW EVERYTHING !
and not just for testifying against a ‘Godfather’…
it doesn’t take much to get in the ‘program’ (on tv)
IT OFFENDS ME BIG-TIME !!!

I WOULD LIKE TO VOLUNTEER
TO BE RE-LOCATED…
SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD DEAL TO ME !!!

(as long as the taxpayers provide-the-cash)

____________________

My little baby girl.. the Sooz
was deemed healthy enough
(after her hospitalization last month)
to ‘appropriate’ a cancellation & get her gall bladder out.
(it may have caused the last problem, the kidney/blood infection)

The night before the operation (like she needed this),
shades of dropping her IPOD in the toilet and ruining it…
(think about it… do you really need your IPOD there?)

HER CELL PHONE DROPS IN THE ‘BOWL’
JUST AS THE FLUSH CYCLE IS COMPLETING !!!
(reaching in, half-a-second, too late)
IT’S GONE !!! SHE’S CRYING !!!
She never made a hard copy of ANY of her phone numbers,
and doesn’t have the OLD FOLKS habit of memorizing numbers.
The phone can’t be replaced for a week,
and the ’sim’ card and information is gone !

She had her (skinny) arm far enough into the toilet
to get stuck, but luckily she didn’t !

ME – being as useless as a ‘tit’ on a monkey wrench…
(I never understood that saying, but it fits)
TOTALLY USELESS FOR HOME REPAIR
tried googling an answer, and then calling MY plumber…

SO FOR YOUR INFORMATION… HERE’S THE ANSWER…
If you haven’t flushed alot since the loss,
go to the basement, go to the ‘hole’ they snake
when your main-line drain is clogged…
there is a 10 inch deep ‘trap’.
I used my spread fingers as a sieve,
and had an upstairs person repeatedly flush,
flush with paper, and turn on the bathtub cold water…
We used cordless phones, on intercom,
and speaker phone to coordinate.

STILL NOTHING…

About to use a ’snake’ to try to pull it out,
instead I had my daughter stick her (skinnier) arm
into the hole and into the curve of the pipe…

AND THERE IT WAS… SHE CAME RIGHT OUT WITH IT…
NOT ONLY THAT BUT THE CAMERA FLASH WAS ON !!!

We may have photos of the ‘trip’ !!!

WE PULLED THE BATTERY OFF
AND CURRENTLY HAVE THE UNIT,
hanging from a string in front of a fan to dry it out…
Then the sun-on-the-window-sill treatment for good measure!

RIGHT NOW THERE IS NOT ONLY A CHANCE
TO RETRIEVE HER CONTACT BOOK,
THE DAMN PHONE MIGHT JUST STILL WORK !!!

____________________

ain’t this amazing ?

All they had to do was NOT publicize a ‘trick’
almost no one would hear about…
and probably be able to use again one day…

BUT…
One of the rescuers of those people
held hostage for years by terrorists wore a Red Cross patch !
Now the leaders have to apologize? (a boner?)
MAYBE THEY SHOULD SEND THE HOSTAGES BACK !!!

I understand it could put other ‘real’ Red Cross workers at risk…
and it’s against the GENEVA CONVENTION….
(ever notice how the ‘good’ guys are the only ones to respect it?)
But there was no reason to publicize the deception !!!

So, in the future, terrorists can identify rescuers
by requesting them to wear Red Cross identifiers,
and if the aid workers refuse,
they know the ‘rescuers’ are not really aid workers !

AIN’T THAT GRAND !!!

If the leaders are idiots,
can’t the media show some initiative for other than ratings ?

___________________

I saw a social security card on a television show…
Within the number, a single alphabetic letter was used,
so there were 8 numbers, and one letter (’A').
I wondered if they had started using letters
to expand the available combination of numbers.

AS FAR AS I CAN TELL… NO !!!
but I ‘un-covered’ this and thought it interesting…

987-65-4320 to 987-65-4329 are reserved for use in advertisements.
SSNs used in advertising have rendered those numbers invalid.

A famous instance of this occurred in 1938 when the E. H. Ferree Co.
in Lockport, New York, decided to promote its product by showing how
a Social Security card would fit into its wallets. A sample card,
used for display purposes, was placed in each wallet,
which was sold by Woolworth & other dept. stores across the country.
The wallet manufacturer’s vice president thought it would be clever
to use the actual SSN of his secretary, Hilda Whitcher.

Even though the card was printed in red (the real card is printed blue),
was half the size of the real card, & had “Specimen” printed across it,
many people used the SSN. Over time, that number (078-05-1120)
has been claimed by a total of over 40,000 people as their own.
The SSA initiated an advert. campaign stating that it was incorrect
to use the number. (Hilda Whitcher was issued a new SSN.)
However, the number was in use by 12 individuals as late as 1977.

ONE MORE THING…
I applied for social security numbers for 2 of my children,
born 2 years apart, at the same time (now you do it at birth)…
and found out thagt they DO NOT issue consecutive
social security numbers if you apply at once like that…
They only skip one number (it still made it easy to memorize for me)
ie. – xxx-xx-8765 & xxx-xx-8767

YOU NOW KNOW MORE THAN YOU EVER
THOUGHT YOU’D NEED TO KNOW ABOUT S.S.A. CARDS !

______________________

LATELY I’VE BEEN CRITICAL
OF CURRENT WOMEN’S FASHIONS…
(or failures)

ACTUALLY NOT CRITICAL OF THE FASHION PERSE..
MY PROBLEM, FOR MEN & WOMEN, IS APPROPRIATE-NESS !!!

PEOPLE REFUSE TO WORK WITH WHAT THEY’VE GOT,
WOMEN ESPECIALLY TRY TO LITERALLY ‘SQUEEZE’
INTO A ‘MOLD’ THAT DOESN’T SUIT THEM…
(and no one will tell them, even I’ll lie to their faces)

___________________

WHICH LEADS ME TO
ROSE-ANNE BARR ARNOLD…

I have always been REVOLTED by the look, the sound,
the comedy of Roseanne… (an act she ’stole’ & more successful with)
Needless to say, I’ve not seen her old tv show…
SHE’S TOTALLY FINGERS-SCRAPING-A-CHALKBOARD TO ME !!!
I would change the channel to get away from her…
Her early appearances with Rodney Dangerfield were hated too !

THAT BEING SAID…
One over-nite in the hospital with my kid… she had Roseanne on tv…
I was ‘forced’ to watch several episodes !
As not to disturb her room-mate.. the tv was set for ‘closed-caption’…

AND I WAS SHOCKED !!!
Without the ‘drone’ of Roseanne…
‘reading’ instead of listening to her…
I found the ‘writing’ on the show… snappy, smart, witty, entertaining !!!

IF THEY’D HAVE CAST ANOTHER ACTRESS,
I COULD SEE MYSELF BEING A BIG FAN OF THE SHOW !!!

Perhaps they’ll be re-made one day…
’cause she still ‘revolts’ me !!!

_____________________

I just wanted to ‘price’ business cards (STAPLES)…
I still had a 10 year supply of my old ones…
(a hundred or so)
I saw this sample and fell in love with it…
(and it was one of the cheap ones)

SO I ORDERED A THOUSAND !!!

It kinda looks computer generated…
but it’s from a ’scanned’ original
(perhaps ’sharpened’ too much)

I’m happy with it… it says it all.. and ’simply’ !!!

_____________________

We have a new place for the ‘cool cats’ to hang out !!!
Minimal membership at the moment… but growing…

BRING ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND TAKE OVER !!!
(start a ‘thread’)
(( hell… start a ’sweater’ ))

http://www.TotalOldies.ning.com

(I think you can figure it out from the name of the site)

________________

Well I hope you understand
I just had to go back to the island…

And watch the sun go down (sit and watch the sun go down)
Hear the sea roll in (listen to the sea roll in)
But I’ll be thinking of you (yes, and I’ll be thinking of you)
And how it might have been (thinking how it might have been)
Hear the night birds cry (listen to the night birds cry)
Watch the sunset die (sit and watch the sunset die)
Well I hope you understand I just had to go back to the island…

IT AIN’T SUMMER WITHOUT THAT LITTLE ‘DITTY’
by LEON RUSSELL

or as the Beach Boys sang…
CATCH A WAVE & YOU’RE SITTING ON TOP OF THE WORLD…

MAYBE IF I HURRY…
I CAN ‘CATCH’ THE LAST ONE OF THE DAY…

SEE YA…

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COMMENTS ABOUT R.I.P. RENFIELD???

opposing opinions are welcome,
but since i’m the only employee of RIP,
you’re wasting your time…

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OCCASION RIP BANNERS & ‘SPECIAL’ GRAPHICS PROJECTS
by staff artist
TISH (PILLBUG)
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RIP Renfield available on the internet at…
www.RipRenfield.com
and also featured at…
www.MysteryLyrics.info
and make sure to ’surf’ the site…
follow the links and explore… lots of good stuff…
or visit me at…
www.MySpace.com/RIPRenfield

>>>>>TELL YOUR FRIENDS<<<<<

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